Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Thursday, December 3, 2009

To Flu or not to Flu.....

I have a dilemma in my head.....well one of many but that's beside the point here.

Get the swine flu shot or not, and more importantly, do I get it for Little J.

A month ago when the vaccine rolled into clinics across this great land of ours *cough* *cough* and multitudes of panicked folk lined up for hours to get their shot but if and only if you fell into a high risk group. Clinics quickly ran out and shut their doors, professional and semi-professional sports teams jumped the line and people freaked out that they would not be able to get their shot.

Now according to the head health dude there is enough vaccine available for every God fearing, law abiding Canadian to get a shot.

My reason for not getting it and having to make the decision has been yanked out from under me. Damn it all to hell.

I have never had the flu shot and given the fact that I will get any illness circulating around, I have not had the flu in several years *knock on wood*. Having worked with the public for the last 22 years *gasp* I am amazed I haven't contracted Ebola. I've seen what people do to their money and where they put it *shudders*.
I don't care what people think when I spray Lysol on the debit machine as soon as they put it down. :P Last week our store received a shipment of PERSONAL FLU KITS.
I shit you not people..the Personal Flu Kit contains a face mask, one-time use thermometer and not one but two antiseptic wipes. All this can be yours for only
$2.98CAN. Hurry! At this price they won't last long. Give me a freakin break.....

It's the kid I'm really waffling about. While I want to give him any chance I can to keep him healthy do I really want to inject him with a virus? What if he's the one of the few who have an adverse reaction? I was the mom at the Dr's freaking out during their kids vaccinations. I delayed the MMR and held my breath and prayed like crazy that nothing would go wrong. (told you I had issues) Little J is a very healthy kid, he has his daddy's immune system and I can count on one hand how many times he's been sick. Do I do more harm than good by vaccinating or not vaccinating?

With so many other concerns out there: HFCS, Red Dye #40, BPE, MSG and who knows what other 'cancer causing' ingredients will be uncovered in Little J's favorite foods, do I want to inject more chemicals into him??

This parenting gig is hard. I should be worrying about Little J's Christmas list...the little stinker wants a DSi but will accept a regular DS if he has too. WTF?? He's 5...what does he know about hand held video games?? The whole school thing is a bad influence on him :) See...yet another dilemna....

I should just stop thinking so hard.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Now that the almost crisis with the growth on my neck has been averted..{turns out it was just a 2 day sore throat and probably a swollen gland and still no flu...} I can turn my attention to other obsessions.

My current fixation is BOOBIES. Yes, I realize that's a weird obsession to have as a woman but I can't help it. I think it stems from jealousy. See, I don't have boobies. Really I don't. If I am not wearing a bra...there are no bumpies under my tshirt. nothing. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

The one and only time I had a half decent rack was when I was breast feeding. I think I was a solid A cup. Unfortunately, the boobies could not be looked at or touched at this point in time or they would immediately start shooting out milk. If Little J so much as whimpered my milk would let down and I'd be sporting giant wet spots on my shirt. This only lasted about 2 months and then the booby milk factory shut down, packed up and headed out of town leaving me with um....nothing

Boobies amuse me. Even the word 'booby' makes me giggle like a naughty school boy looking at the underwear ads in the flyers. I check out other women's cleavage all the time. I'm not creepy about it, just a tad jealous that I can't wear strapless tops and if I drop food down my top it only stops when it hits my waist. Is it so wrong to want bouncy, jiggly boobies. I want to live my life like the slow motion beach running scenes from Baywatch. I want something to squeeze.

I'm not vain or rich enough to go under the knife and get implants and knowing my luck, mine would shift and slide down to my belly button or squawk at high altitude.

So I guess for now I'll just wear the water bras and heavy sweaters and yearn for the day the Bobby Fairy comes to visit.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I have a tumour.......

No, seriously I do. The side of my neck is swollen and it hurts to swallow. The alternative {flu} is nore horrible to contemplate.

Trust me..... I'd rather have a tumour than catch the flu.

Damn germs. Apparently the hourly dosing of hand sanitizer and the avoiding of all personal conduct {including *cough* marital relations *cough*} has not done me any good. I suppose this means I can go back to licking random people??

Maybe it's just a giant pimple gone astray??

Anything but the flu........

Friday, November 13, 2009

Freud would love this....

My child watches too much TV. Or rather, too much inappropriate TV. I figured he was too young to get some the more adult content of some of the shows I watch after 8pm. I was wrong.

Today I am sitting on the couch minding my own business when up comes demon child with a twinkle in his eye. I know I'm getting buttered up for something, most likely for more Halloween candy or a pair of scissors.

He climbs on my lap, gently places his hands on either side of my face, tells me I'm pretty, proceeds to push me down on the couch and give me a loooong kiss on the lips while licking my face. Stunned, I sit up and ask him what the heck he was doing.

demon child: "Mommy I love you and this is how you kiss people you love"

me: "Uh...how do you figure that?" trying to think of where he has seen kissing like that before cause his father sure doesn't kiss me like that in front of the kid

demon child: "I saw it on TV Mommy, they loved each other."

me: "Oh sweetie, that's 2 grown ups! You can't kiss your Mommy like that, I'll get arrested!"

demon child: "What's arrested?"

me: "Nevermind,I'll show you how you can kiss Mommy"

So I proceed to demonstrate an appropriate kiss, with ones lips closed and on the cheek.

After practicing a few, he nods in satisfaction and asks "So now that you've had so many kisses Mommy can I have an Oreo cookie and stay up for another 5mins?" while batting his big blue eyes.

I should start putting away money now for his future therapy.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Life and death.

Remembrance Day is on Wednesday and I have spent the last week or so trying to explain what it is and it's significance to Little J in terms that a 5year old can grasp. I didn't want to freak him out too much by talking about war and death in detail so I tried to gloss things over and be somewhat vague and general.
I'm going to take him to one of the ceremonies so he can see what I've been talking about.
I talked about how the brave men and women fought wars and lots died so that we could live in the free country that we do. He now thinks they fought for the right to watch Johnny Test on Sat morning.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about the poppy I wear and took him to buy one. He proceeded to poke me with it and lose it before we even got to the car.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about how Mommy's grandpa and uncle died in the war and Daddy's grandpa was wounded and sent back home. Little J looks at me in all seriousness and asks "If Daddy dies in a war, will we get a new Daddy? Mommy...you need to get a baby before that happens. We need to put one in your stomach. How do babies get there Mommy?" Now that was a pretty loaded set of questions and somehow I managed to avoid answering any of them by shouting "Oh look at the rainbow over there!" in a happy sing-songy voice while frantically gesticulating out the window. {Did I mention I was driving at the time?}
Somewhere I have failed.

Please take a minute to stop and remember those who served and died and the families who were left behind, at 11am Nov 11th.

Lest We Forget.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Take 2 Tuesdays

I have decreed that henceforth Tuesdays will be a recycle day. I am too lazy-er-busy to write a post so I shall breathe new life into a post done long long ago when I had no 'people'. Do I still have 'people'? I dunno. It's been so long....

Anyways, I digress....

This was originally posted in February.


Monday, February 23, 2009
Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii

We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.

Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)

Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.

So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}

Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!

Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.

So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!


He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?

It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.

Good thing they like spaghetti.

Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}

So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:

Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?

This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.

Off to put the Little One to bed.

Nitey Nite!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween!

Have a safe and sugar-loaded day!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This is why I don't travel....

I am back from my business trip relatively unscathed which I consider to be a minor miracle. It was a most interesting trip and while the entire experience has helped me grow as a person, I do not wish to repeat it anytime in the future.

The first sign that this was not going to be 'smooth sailing', happened before even leaving the house. We usually fly West-Jet who I love love love but we were booked on Air Canada *patooie*. I attempted to check-in online to avoid some of the Saturday afternoon line ups. Not really familiar with their web check in set up I stumbled around a bit and after searching their entire database I eventually determined that I was already checked in. Somehow, someone in our group booking had checked EVERYONE in and now were screwed because obviously, we did not have the luggage tag or boarding pass. Why is that a big deal you may ask? Well, it now involved 4 different line ups and 6 different people to get my luggage checked and my pass printed. I was not confident at this point that my luggage would end up on the same plane as me.

Thinking that I was free and clear for trouble, I kissed my family good bye and headed through security. I was immediately cut from the herd and sent though a booth at the very end. Put my bag on the rolling thing and took off my jacket. "Laptop, liquid,gels?" barked Helga the heavy set East German woman. "Uh no" I reply. "What you have under sweater?" growls my buddy Helga in her heavy accent". "Pardon?" I ask not quite understanding. "Sweater! Take it off!" she says pointing her finger at me.
Uh..ok whatever.. I had a tank top under my zip up cardigan. So I strip down and wait my turn through the metal detector. Of course I light the scanner up like Christmas. Dude waves me over and starts running the wand over me and it sounds like he's playing space invaders. He then has to wave Helga over for a 'physical search'.
Oh sweet jebus. Helga waddles over snapping her rubber gloves with an evil grin. Now, I usually get dinner and a movie before I allow someone down my pants but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I'm not a big person, 100lbs soaking wet with my shoes on and my clothing was form fitting so I'm really not sure what exactly they thought I was trying to smuggle on the plane, or where. At this point I'm half dressed and being felt up and sadly, it was the most action I'd seen in a while. The Gestapo finally clear me to go through and I head to my boarding area dragging my carry-on and clothing behind me. {Note to self..do not wear the boots with the buckles ever again.}

The flight out is uneventfully as is the trip to the hotel. Luckily I know my roommate and get along with her so I thought I was golden. No such luck.

I'm a smoker, in a non-smoking room. No biggie, I just open the sliding door and smoke outside the room. Easy peasy right? Well...... I got the door open, stepped outside and went to close the door. It didn't budge. So I pulled some more. Nada. Put my meager body weight behind it and puuuuuuushed. Suddenly the door unsticks, slams shut and my face hits the wall. Fabulous..now I have a scrape and goose-egg right above my eyebrow. *sigh* good thing the ice machine was just down the hall....

Got up on time, no small feat considering it was 6am their time, 3am my time. Ugh.
Navigate my way down to the conference area, grab my coffee, head out for a smoke and walk right into a crime scene. Oh Goody! Apparently someone was stabbed in the parking lot the night before. There were little yellow evidence markers everywhere and the knife was still lying in the ground. I did not fly across country to be a part of an episode of COPS.

The meetings were long, boring and we were herded like cattle. I worked really hard at looking and sounding like I knew what the hell I was talking about and I think I pulled it off.

In a cost cutting measure, we are kicked out and have to fly home the same day the meetings end. It makes for a long day but admittedly, it is nice to sleep in your own bed. Not knowing how long it will take with city rush hour traffic we head out as soon as we can. We got to the airport at 5pm and didn't fly out until 8:30pm.
Being the keeners that we are, we went through security right away. Given the experience on the way out and knowing that Toronto security is 'tougher' I was gearing up for a raping. I bagged and doubled bag my lighter, stripped down and prayed. Cranky dude waves me through and holding my breath and sweat running down my back I step through the metal detector and nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. Trying really hard to be nonchalant I pick up my bags and saunter away still half convinced that any second someone is going to run up and scream..."Quick get her! I think she has a nail file in her carry-on!" It wasn't until we were in and through security that I realized..... there was no place for me to smoke. I twitched a little but figured I could muddle my way through by chewing gum or gnawing on the arm of my seat.

Having birthed a child who spent the majority of his gestational time hanging out on my bladder, I have peeing issues. No matter how little I try to drink or how many times I make myself go, I will have to pee at the most inconvenient time.

I had a middle seat for the flight. In the window seat was a Crackberry addicted woman who was still texting as the plane was taking off! I stared at her while my inside voice was screaming "OMG YOU STUPID WOMAN! They said to turn it off! Are you trying to kill us all!! You can go 5 hours without texting dammit!" Seriously, she checked it while we were in the air too. On the aisle side of me was an um ,er, ah, 'fluffy' gentleman who promptly fell asleep while hogging the armrest. He snored.

All was well until 30mins into the flight when the flight attendant came on to request the assistance of any medical doctor who may be on board. That is never a good sign.
Sure enough, the pilot came on a short time later to announce that we were landing in Winnipeg due to an emergency medical situation on board. I would like to think I'm a sympathetic person but oh...my...god.... with my wonderful seat mates, and lack of nicotine I was close to snapping. It was the worst landing I have ever been through. We hit the runway with a jolt hard enough to snap my head back and wake up Sleepy Beauty beside me. The plane veered sharply to the right before straightening out again. Luckily no one was hurt. One of the overhead luggage thingies popped open spilling out suitcases. This was getting better and better.

We sat on the tarmac for 2 hours in Winnipeg. Crackberry chick was texting away like a madwoman and Mr Fluffy went back to sleep when he realized we were not being fed while waiting. I had to pee something fierce by this point and was trapped in my seat. I tried climbing over Mt Creepy but just couldn't get past his knees and he was not responding the my repeated pokes and hissed "Excuse me's" I undid the top button of my pants to give my bladder some breathing room and tried not to think about waterfalls and rivers. I'm pretty sure I damaged a kidney.

By the time we landed at home we were 2 hours late, my bladder had exploded, I was frothing at the mouth and twitching from lack of nicotine and caffeine. As soon as the doors opened on the plane I was off like a bat out of hell. I vaulted small chidren and suitcases as I ran though the airport to the nearest bathroom.

I just don't' have the mental wherewithal to be a traveller.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish sanitizing all my belongings cause the only thing I didn't get on this trip was 'sick'

Friday, October 23, 2009

Leaving on a jet plane

So I am heading East for a business trip on Saturday. Have I mentioned how much I loathe flying!?!?? Ugh.

I get to spend the next 3 days surrounded my people. People in the airport, people on the plane, people at the hotel, people at the conference. Don't get me wrong, I generally like people, just not that much people at once. I'd like to be able to pick my nose or remove a wedgie without being watched. :)

I am leaving Ass-Hat in charge of the household and it's occupants. How much damage can he do in 3 days?? I've taped a big note to the computer,"FEED THE CATS" and a note on the fridge, "FEED THE CHILD SOME FRUIT" I'm not convinced either will happen more than once during my absence.

I think the time away from home may do me some good. Little J was diagnosed with ADHD this week and I have a lot of information to absorb. Ass-Hat is not dealing very well. We are exploring all the options and have some decisions to make about medicating or not medicating. It just breaks my heart because Little J is such a smart little boy but his inability to sit still, pay attention and concentrate is getting in his way. Perhaps now his Battle Ax teacher will get off my back about his "disruptive behaviour' while giving me the 'you suck as a parent' hairy eyeball.

Anybody out there with some experience about ADHD???

I leave you with a recent pic {August} of the demon child and the 'damn dog'.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Murphy and his minions

I swear, everytime I have plopped my arse down to write a dang post, something has come up and blown that little plan right out of the water.

My loving, supportive *snort* husband must have paid some voo-doo priestess a lot of dinero to get a hex put on me. No really, I'm half believing at this point. I got some bad ju-ju goin on. I fully expect to open a closet or drawer to find a little doll that looks just like me, full of pins. :)

life keeps getting in my way dammit!!!!

I hope ya'll are doing well and I can't wait to get caught up!

In closing, I'd like to thank all the stupid people who make me look smart. Fear not, it's not you..trust me, the people I'm talking are not out surfing Blogs.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Anybody out there?

Helloooooo? Anyone still around?

I can't believe I've been gone so long. With back to school crazyness, my birthday, my wedding anniversary, Little J starting kindergarten and getting the new truck engine built and in the 'Burbon, life has been pretty hectic.

I am currently in the middle of a 2 day hangover from hell. I got my drink on hot tubbin at girls night at my boss' house. I keep forgetting that I'm 39 not 29 and I don't bounce back as quick as I used to. On the bright side, putting a hot tub soaked pack of smokes in the oven on the lowest setting for 15mins dries them out like new. :)

Little J started kindergarten. It's not going to well. I don't like his teacher and I'm sure she feels the same about me and the kid. I know that he has the attention span of a fruit fly and can't sit still but come on, he's 5 years old! Cranky old battle-ax is what she is. It's going to be a long year. :(
OK honestly, I am more worried than I let on but I'm not convinced I'm not overly paranoid. Ya know? Everyone wants to their child to show in a good light and I'm no different. What if I've messed him up and didn't do enough to prepare him for school?
*sigh* I'll wait a few weeks to see if there is improvement before I I really start to worry.

So hopefully you will see more of me stopping by and commenting on your Blogs and getting back into the swing of things!

I've missed you all. Not in a creepy stalker kinda way but in a "hey I wonder.." kinda way. ;)


Thursday, September 3, 2009

I'm getting too old for this....

Holy crap this Back to School Season is going to kill me. I have been go go go for the last 2 weeks and finally get some downtime.

BTS season and a full moon do not play well together. Yesterday was one of the oddest/most stressful days I have had in a loooong time. A few highlights....

911 had to be called because Customer A blocked in Customer B in the parking lot. Customer B comes back into store and asks Customer A to move his car.{Following so far?} Customer A freaks the hell out and starts cursing and threatening Customer B in the store in front of customers and children. The Po-po come and deal with crazy Customer A.

While the police are finishing up with the above situation a lady at the copy centre passed out and hits the floor. 911 is called back. Not sure what happened exactly but she was carried out on a stretcher.

Network crashes causing all the registers to go down and are unable to use them. You ever tried to tell 100 people that we can't ring through their purchases and no, we don't know how long it will take to get the system back up and running.

And from the rest of the week......

Our local meth addict was in helping himself to hard-drives again and was tackled by security at the front door. He managed to get away but we got his backpack with not only our merchandise but stuff from next door as well.

A child rammed another customer with a shopping cart causing her shoe heel to break and making her ankle bleed.

Someone wanted a particular colour of plastic pencil case which was at the very bottom of the stacked out display. Instead of asking one of us to get it for them, they decided to remove it themselves. Ever played Jenga?? The laws of physics do apply here and the entire display of several hundred pencils boxes went skittering across the floor.

Someone decided to CLIMB IN in one of our bin displays. It being made of cardboard and already overloaded with thousands of erasers, promptly split at the seams and shot erasers all over.

2 kids were 'racing' chairs along the back of the store, one wiped out and crashed into a bookcase breaking it. {and the chair}

This is just a small sampling of the crazy shit that goes down tis time of year.

And people wonder why I twitch???

Is it October yet???

Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

Yes folks it's Back To School Time once again!!!!

What this means for me running the number 1 school supply destination is 3 weeks of complete and un-ending horror. I don't have time to pee let alone eat, sleep or Blog. :(

I will spend the next 3 weeks drunk on lack of sleep and RedBull. You may not hear from me again until mid Sept. :)

School supplies are pretty basic. A pencil is a pencil, a notebook is a notebook and a crayon is a crayon. Yes? Well apparently not. Thousands of stressed out parents freaking out because the school list says "Dixon Pencils" and I carry "Papermate Pencils" Don't worry dude, you child will NOT fail grade1 because of a dixon pencil!

We've made it very EASY to find supplies...dumped everything you need in giant green bins clearly labeled. We have copies of the school lists. We have put giant signs on the bins. Yet people still walk up to me and ask "Where are your school supplies?"
I turn 360degrees, arms out-stretched and reply "Uh, you're standing in the middle of them"

Seriously people, you make school supplies far more complicated than it needs to be and we pay the price.

I will no doubt have some hilarious stories to tell as the days go by, like last year when some one's dog crapped in one of the aisles {they must have snuck it in their bag} So there I am, crouched on the floor cleaning up dog poop and people are STILL asking me to show them where stuff is!!! I so wanted to say say "Ok here, hold this paper towel full of dog crap and I'll show you where the 5 stacks of binders are..."

So my public service announcement today is: When you are out school supply shopping, please be patient with the people who work there. You are the 100th person to ask the exact same question, the cashiers cannot ring through items any faster, there are only 6 registers in the store, we can't walk you around and do your list for you, if your class list is not in the file I was unable to get it from the school district or the website and I can't magically pull one out of my ass, if the sales floor associate is wearing a sweater and holding their lunch please do not ask them to help you find the pencil sharpeners {which you happen to be standing right in front of} and a THANK YOU goes a long way to the people who are working their butts off for you.

It's off to work I go. Got my body armour and Depends on. Wish me luck!!

Sorry if it's jummbled and stuff, I skipped making breakfast to post before running out the door. :)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I will survive...

Dysfunctional Family ‘We’re Having Fun Dammit’ Trip 2009.

I’m getting old and soft. For some reason the thought of spending more than a few days languishing shore side watching Ass-hat fish from dawn till feakin dusk while keeping an eye on the roaming 5 year old , making sure the damn dog doesn’t hang herself with her 50ft tether line, cooking 3 square meals a day, washing dishes in dish pans, conserving every last precious drop of water, huddling under the covers with a tshirt of my head at night while braving blistering heat, ferocious winds and bone chilling cold just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun anymore. And did I mention the dust? Dust, dust everywhere. The kind of insidious dust that works its way into your teeth and other small orifices you weren’t even aware of until they had dust in them.
I’m sucking the last battery power in the trailer to power the laptop. I would sell my first born and only child for some Wi-Fi at this point. Or a shower, or a microwave.

Things I leaned while Camping.

1. Damn Dog likes to eat Poo. Duck poo, goose poo, cow poo, horse poo and kind of poo will do. {funny but poo shows up on my spell check as incorrect!}

2. My child is damn annoying. We are spending far too much ‘quality time’ together. Are all 5 year olds like this? The sound of his plaintive ‘wuhyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ grates on my last nerve. Love him to death but damn, we are not meant to spend this much time together without benefit of time out space for both of us.

3. Damn Dog loves to swim as evidenced by her dragging me into the lake. {she was still on leash}

4. After 6 days I don’t care if I never shower again.

5. Fire bans suck. Camping with no campfires sucks goat-ass. Gathered around a lantern huddled together for warmth just isn’t the same.

6. The upside of no campfires is no smelling like a burnt hotdog, downside is we smell like the bacon we had for breakfast. Everything smells like bacon. It’s too windy to cook outside.

7. Next year we’re going to Disneyland dammit.

8. Ass-hat would rather sleep with the dog than me. And you know what…that’s A-OK. He sleeps with the dog, I get the top bunk all to myself. It’s the best part of the trip.

9. Little J managed to pee and poop in every trailer in our group. That’s 9 trailers. I shudder to think about how much toilet paper is now in those black water tanks. Sorry ‘bout that folks….

10. Blueberry ring pops + fruit roll ups + gummy bears = green poop. This is what my child was depositing in everyone’s trailers. Again, sorry about that folks……

11. A sunburn/windburn really does keep you warm at night.

12. I read waaay too fast and ran out of reading material on day 5. I may have to resort to reading the backs of cereal boxes.


14. I skipped 13 because it’s an unlucky number.

15. I am almost desperate enough to take the truck and drive into ‘town’ I use the word ‘town’ loosely as really town is nothing more than a sani-station,a liquour store and a Dairy Queen.

16. I am insanely jealous of the folks who are leaving for home,Day 5. Ass-hat and I are currently in negotiations as to whether we leave on Day 6 {my vote} or Day 7 {his vote}. As much as I hate to say it, he may win. And he did. We left on Day 7.

So now that we are home, I have about a million loads of laundry to do, not to mention the damn dog needs a bath in the worst way. She's an entirely different colour right now..brownish/gray. And she stinks to high heaven.

Pictures to follow in a day or two, I have to find the dang camera.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Leavin town and headin west.

Well more like north-west but close enough.

We are leaving on our annual Dysfunctional Family 'We're Having Fun Dammit' Camping Trip. This year should be extra fun as the dog is coming with us. Ass-hat will do his best to drink his weight in beer while out on the lake from sun-up till sun-down while I entertain the child, cook the food and wrestle the dog. {and drink vodka from my coffee cup}. Hopefully it's been too hot and dry for the skeeters because no one wants skeeter bites in their nether regions from peeing outside in the bush. :)

I'm sorry I haven't been around much commenting in the last week but I had to get us ready and packed, tie up loose ends at work, work on my FB farm {ack!} and sleep.

I will be back next weekend....I hope you all have a wonderfull week and I'll be catching up with you all then.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's the thought that counts.

I just messaged Ass-hat on Facebook. It was about an act on America's Got Talent.
What's wrong with that you might be thinking......

Well, we are both IN the house watching it. I'm in the living room on the laptop, he is in the office on the desktop. Now my house is not that large, it's not like one of us is hanging out in the west wing or anything. He is close enough that I can hear him crunching his chips. {that's a whole 'nother post}

Have I become so technologically reliant and complacent that I no longer have the will to get my arse off the couch, shuffle the 100ft or so down the hallway, poke my head into his office, make eye contact and say "Hey that act was pretty neat huh!"

God forbid we actually watch the same show on the same TV in the same room, together.

The 25lb kitty sprawled on my lap would tear me to shreds if I dare disturb him so I think I will just continue to send my little messages of love through the worldwide web, bouncing signals from earth to space and back again. It appears as though I put much more thought and effort into my communication instead of simply bellowing "Did you take the garbage out?!" at the top of my lungs. Right?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

My name is Schmoochie and I am a compulsive hair colourer.

My confession: I have no idea what my natural hair colour is.

Pretty bad huh.....

It all started in 1984 when I was in 8th grade. I grabbed a pair of scissors and a bottle of peroxide and *VIOLA* I looked like Billy Idol.

I eventually moved on from the peroxide to hair colour in a box and through the years have been almost every shade of blonde from platinum to champagne to strawberry.

I've been medium reddish blonde and my last known colour was Deep Cranberry Auburn.
This was what led to my downfall. Never ever ever go darker after you've spent the better part of 25 years lightening your hair. {Are you playing attention and taking notes?}

After I broke my hair in February, I promised Ass-hat that I would not colour it at home anymore. He was quite alarmed at the amount of hair he was pulling out of the drain and was afraid I would become bald sooner rather than later.

It has been months since hair colour has touched my hair. And while the blonde high-lighting has softened the edge of re-growth it has become apparent that I am indeed, turning gray. My 'new' hair is a non-colour. I don't recall seeing "colourless" as an option on my drivers license. The gray hair should not surprise me, my mom went gray at 18 years old, so did my grandmother. I can't fight the gene pool.

I really miss my blonde hair. :(

Actually at this point I miss having a hair colour of any sort.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Word Verification

I am dragging myself away from Facebook to write about those stupid word verifications.

These are not words. These are what 4 year olds write when they are learning the alphabet and declaring "Look Mommy I wrote my name!"

I have issues with spelling and it hurts my head to spell words that aren't really words at all.

Here are some gems I came across while commenting around BlogbVille

GOAXIMO this one I may use in my every day vocabulary in place of a curse word!

Now you see, some of these could potentially means something so then I am compelled to google them to find out for sure.

Some have shown up as a foreign language, and some of the "did you mean Xyz" options have been downright funny.

I just want them to use real words. Is that too much to ask??

I'm not going to bother spell checking this post because it will be a mass of red. :)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Save me....

.....from myself!

I've gotten myself into a heap o' trouble.

After avoiding countless invitations on Facebook I caved in a moment of weakness and started playing the following

Farm Town
Barn Buddy
Farm Pals
Garden Hood.

Sweet baby Geebus. This is sucking up ALL my time!!! I'm visiting farms, doing manual labour for pennies, hanging out at the marketplace pimping myself out for work, going bankrupt, obsessively checking every couple of hours to see if I have bugs or weeds, shuffling fields, chasing cows, debating seed planting choices based on when they will harvest and my work schedule, salivating at the level 30's and so on and so on and so on.

Someone please help me! I can't stop. I don't want to stop.

We leave on vacation is 10 days so I have to plan all my harvests to happen by them or they will go to waste. Who will water my crops? Pull weeds? Kill bugs? Someone could steal my entire crop!

If I put this much thought, planning and effort into my REAL life who knows how successful [or compulsively insane} I would be?


Sorry, had to go check my crops. :) I need to level up so I can start growing peppers and cotton dammit. Maybe buy a fence to keep the cows out or a house would be nice....pond? gazeebo? some pretty flowers?

I'm losing control of my life. The laundry is piling up, I burned dinner last night because I got a good harvesting job, I think my kid had a bath this week. I was late for work and I believe Ass-hat may have packed up and left but I haven't taken the time to check.

I'm contemplating buying another computer so I can have multiple windows up at all times, it would save some time and make me more efficient.

Oh I am a mess, :)

Please help me.........

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How do I??

Schmoochie needs your expertise!

I would like to be able to reply in email to commenters on my Blog. Some Blogs I comment on do this and I like it. How do I set it up so that I can respond to comments in email? I just can't figure out how to do it. :(


ps.. It's still stupidly hot here. I sold out ALL my fans at work last night. People would walk in, look at me and ask "do you.." and I would shake my head and reply "No, we don't sell A/C units and I'm sold out of fans. So is every retailer in a 40km radius. But would you like to buy a computer or some school supplies?" :)

At least it's air conditioned at work so there is an upside to being employed this week. It's been busy with people in and out but no one is buying..they just wander around in the cold air to cool off and then head out on their merry way. I should start charging a cover fee to get in.

Happy Wednesday all!

Monday, July 27, 2009

My bleeding eyes!

The bad part about a heat wave? People shed clothing. Sometimes too much.

We were at the gas station and this woman about 40ish hops out of her car IN AN ITSY BITSY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI {ok, it was blue but I digress} and bounces her way into the store.

Uh.....ok. I could understand this if the gas station was located say- near the beach or ocean or obvious tourist-town-like water attraction but this was in the middle of the suburbs. Closest beach is about 30mins away.

Now seriously, you couldn't throw on a shirt and shorts? I don't need to see you and the cute tattoo on your butt jiggling in front of me in the store.

Ass-Hat: "That's just not right"
Schmoochie: "Wow..."
Little J: "Holy schmoley!" {his new phrase de jour}
Schmoochie: "Close your eyes honey or they will burn"
Little J: "Mommy she forgot to get dressed! She's in her underwear!"
Ass-Hat: "That's just not right"

If this is what she wears to pick up milk, I'd be very afraid of what she wears to the actual beach.

I need to go bleach my brain.

Monday Random Musings

Ah Mondays. That dreadfull event that shows up every 7 days like clockwork.

I'm far too lazy to string together a coherent post but I think I can manage bullet points. I should actually be cleaning the house, going to the vet to pick up tick medicine, playing with the kid, going grocery shopping and getting dressed but hey, It's Monday and I don't care. Besides, the thought of climbing into my oven-er-car at the moment is not so appealing.

It is stupidly hot here! It's 11am and in the shade it's 32C. Which is 90F. Did I mention that was in the shade?? We are in for at least a week of record breaking temps. That is not good for forest fire season. It seems as though most of the province is ablaze. :( That means campfire bans. That means no entertainment in the evenings for our trip in 2 weeks :( That's the best part about camping...
sitting by the fire in the dark, kids running around with glow-sticks, a nice rum and coke in hand, igniting marshmallows, telling stories and having a few laughs.

So ya anyways, it's hot. We had my grandmother's 90th bday party on Sat in my parents backyard. Stupid hot. Then a fabulous thunderstorm rolled through. We don't get thunderstorms here. I've lived here since 1979 and have not seen one around these parts. It was freakin AWESOME! Sheet lightning, fork lightning, those big booming rumbles. Not to mention hail and monsoon-like rain which we desperately needed. Best part was the temp dropped about 10 degrees to be comfortable. It went on for hours. Ass-hat and I sat on the hood of the truck, in the rain, just watching.
Then we realized "hey....we have the tallest trees in the neighbourhood" Our pine/fir/evergreen trees are at least 60 years old and they are tall tall tall.
I suggested to Ass-hat that he put some tinfoil on his head and climb one of them but he didn't think it was such a great idea. {hey, he's insured!}

Tahoe is dong well. We cut down her Bell-Express-Vue cone so she can at least plop in over her dish to eat. She looks absolutely ridiculous but she has accepted the fact that the cone is staying on. We have to keep her face wound dry so poor puupy can'r even run through the sprinkler to get some relief from the heat. She is lying on the cool kitchen tile. I might join her...

Oh, it's 39C or 103F in the sun. CRAAAAAAAAZY!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

WOW, just WOW.

This is an article I spied the other day.....

Now being a Canadian, where we have stricter gun laws, this kinda freaks me out. I'm all for people exercising their Second Amendment Rights but really, is this the best way to sell a car?

Having lived as an illegal alien in the US for several months in the great state of Michigan, during hunting season, where everyone had a gun rack and a dead deer slung over the hood, I can see the appeal- but an AK-47? Isn't that over-kill? {pun intended}

Discuss amongst yourselves :)

"Talk about riding shotgun …

Myriad automakers over the years have offered freebies with the purchase of an automobile, from bicycles to barbecues.

But Butler, Mo.-based car dealer Mark Muller has truly upped the ante: if you purchase a truck at Max Motors, he’ll throw in a free AK-47 assault rifle on the house.

The promotion is completely legal… well, at least in Missouri it is.

If anything, Muller is garnering global attention to his scheme. He was recently interviewed in-depth on CNN, where he staunchly defended the AK-47 promotion. Muller noted there’s a “bunch of evil in the world” and that he’s a “firm believer in the Second Amendment.”

When informed that there’s a bit of a difference between giving away, say, a hunting rifle and an AK-47, Muller remained unfazed. Next time your vehicle is swarmed by seven thugs, he told the journalist, “You’ll wish you had an AK-47.” (Methinks simply sporting a “Max Motors” decal on the rear bumper would be sufficient warning to scare off the criminal element – assuming they’ve heard about Muller’s promotion.)

To clarify, buyers won’t actually be driving off the lot in a Silverado with an AK-47 occupying the passenger seat. Rather, a new truck purchaser will receive a voucher worth about US$450 that can be redeemed at his friendly neighbourhood gun boutique.

The promotion is also hailed on the dealership's website, www.max71.com. A photo of an AK-47 is perched next to an illustration of a cowboy sporting a couple of six-shooters. The dealership’s slogan is, “Our prices even blow us away!”

Regardless where one stands on guns, the AK-47 promotion is generating publicity faster than an AK-47 fires bullets. The dealership – which sells Chrysler, Ford and GM products – has been featured on Fox News, CNBC and even the BBC.

According to the website, feedback regarding the gun giveaway has been overwhelmingly positive. “We want to thank everyone who has emailed us and commented about our latest promotion,” notes the site. “Your support has been tremendous!”

My hunch: Muller knows full well that giving away an assault rifle is a slam-dunk way of getting noticed (and it’s far more effective that erecting the de rigueur inflatable dinosaur upon the dealership rooftop.)

Or perhaps he’s truly bought into the stereotype that pickup truck drivers in certain regions love the idea of driving around with weaponry.

Either way, Canadian consumers can forget about taking advantage of this particular scheme. While you can indeed license a vehicle purchased at Max Motors in this country, just try registering a freebie that is strictly prohibited in these parts."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's tough to be Tahoe

All my creatures small and hairy made it home in one piece for the most part.

Little J had a great time learning about bees and honey. He hasn't stopped talking about it for one single second. Is it bedtime yet?

My poor puppy on the other hand is slightly worse for wear. Not only did she get spayed but turns out she had a bad infection lurking under her fur on the side of her face. How could we not have noticed it? I feel soooo bad. We also got her tattooed. So belly is shaved, her head is shaved and that damn cone is not staying on. Somehow she Houdini's her way out of it. She's lying in her crate whimpering right now and it breaks my heart. It's going to be a long night.

Here are some pics of my hot mess of a dog.


I took Tahoe to the vet today to get spayed. When I first enquired about the cost I was told $90. This was substantially less than what other vets were charging and that's why we chose to use this particular vet. Other quotes we got were upwards of $200. What a bargain we thought......

So I drop the dog off this morning on my way to work and of course have to fill out the obligatory paperwork. Then comes page 2 and the list of 'extra' charges.

OH SWEET BABY JEEBUS! Now I know how he stays in business!

Blood work panel $70-140{I'm pretty sure that it's not necessary but it sounded good}
IV $40
Antibiotics $40
Pain relief $20/$15 for take home
Cone $15
Ear Tattoo {optional} $10
Spay $90
Random charge that I can't remember what it is $40

Worrying all day because your puppy is under the knife $Priceless

So that is $400 before taxes. Ouchie.

Plus she also has some sort of weeping wound on her cheek that started seeping last night that he needs to look at that too..... there's another chunk o' change.

Getting the dog fixed is costing me more than it did for me to birth a small human child. {and even then I *ahem* 'liberated' *ahem* extra supplies from my room to take home.}

Did I mention that Little J is all over town today on a field trip with his daycare?
Riding in a car. Did they install his carseat correctly? Is he going to wander off and they don't notice? Will he not touch the bees at the Honey Farm?

My anxiety is working on over-drive right now and I will not relax until all my creatures small and/or hairy are home tonight safe and sound. Then I will drink a very large rum and coke while I stare at the vet bill clutched in my hand and listen to a blow by blow account of how bees make honey. All will be right in my world again.

How do they expect me to get any work done today??

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Some of the Blogs I follow do this thing called 'Wordless Wednesdays' where they just post pics on Wednesdays. I have nothing really interesting to Blog about and it IS Wednesday in most parts of the world right now so what the hell huh... I am a sheep, I am a lemming {show me the cliff!} and I will follow.

Random pics of my favorite animals, vegatables and minerals from the last week or so.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Get out of my head!

There is this woman that I keep seeing in my travels around town. She's actually kinda hard to miss.

She's got this jet-black beehive hairdo. She must be at least 60 years old so I'm guessing it's not her real colour and the incredible heights this beehive reaches defies gravity {think Marge Simpson}. She always wears bold coloured/garish caftans and her make up is clown like in it's application and appearance.

This woman fascinates me. How does she get into her car with hair that high? How long does her makeup take? What does she look like without all that crap on? Who in the world lets her out of the house looking like that?

I'm sure she's a very nice woman but wowsa.....I think she took a wrong turn at the Burlesque Parlour.

Have you ever come across someone 'interesting' and you can't get them out of your head or am I borderline stalker material? Is it wrong that once in a while I start thinking about what she's doing, where I might see her next, does she work, is she retired, why in heck no one buys her a mirror and so on. I think I need to find myself a better hobby.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Farting is funny.

So little J just farted.

He called it a Blow-Fart

It's when you fart a little bubble.

Curious I asked if he named all his farts.

:rolling eyes: "Yes Mommy. It's the rule."

Rule? Whose rule?


So of course I had to know all his fart names and what I got was..

Daddy Fart... when it goes pfft..pfft..pfft.

Real/Normal Fart... no bubbles, one pfft.

Poo Fart... when you poo yourself a little

Sneaky Fart... when you can't hear it.

Dog Fart... when it smells so bad you have to cry

Little J is going to be quite the catch for some lucky lady in the future.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Play me a song Mr. Piano Man

Little J is fascinated with Ipods and MP3 players. He can amuse himself for hours listening to Ass-hats Ipod. I didn't think anything of letting him have at it until the other day when he came up to me and said "Mommy, the man singing just said ass and another word that I'm sure is bad." Uh oh. A light went off in my head and I started to really think about what kind of music was on that Ipod.

We have pretty eclectic tastes so everything from Paul Anka to Limp Bizkit is on there. OOPS! Some is of is definitely not kid appropriate!

So for Little J's birthday, I got him a cheap $10 mp3 player. We've been loading songs that are rated PG. He really likes country music and dance tunes. And bass, lots and lots of bass. Not a single 'kiddie tune' on it at all.

He has not stopped listening for days. It is permanently attached to his head. He tries to wear it into the bathtub. I fear it may fall into the toilet one day. It's so damn cute to watch him bopping around, toes tapping and trying to sing along. The kids got pipes.

The downside...he never hears me when I call him. So now I'm shrieking like a fish-wife. It's summer, the doors and windows are open. I'm sure the neighbours are calling me the crazy-lady who yells a lot.

Now if I could somehow figure out how to get the theme music for Bakugan onto the MP3 player, I'd be the coolest mom ever!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All seeing or just plain nosey?

I have eyes in the back of my head. Seriously, I do. Just ask my kid. Or any of my employees. I seem to have a knack for knowing exactly what is happening out of sight.

I call is my 'up-to-no-good sense'.

I suppose my associates view me as the old woman/mom/manager and forget that I used to be young and did all the same tricks to goof off and screw around. I'm sure I have a few that they haven't even thought of yet. :) Little do they realize that while I'm in the back office I've got the security cameras up to watch the sales floor. Every once in a while every single sales floor associate will end up at the service desk. Which means no one is actually helping customers. That's when I do the 'Big Brother is Watching' page over the PA and get them scrambling back to the sales floor. They call it creepy, I call it effective managing. :) It creeps out my fellow managers too. The boss-man asked if I watched everybody. My reply was "You should stop picking your nose in the front cash office." *evil grin*

Little J is completely freaked out by the eyes in the back of my head. How I've managed to keep him convinced for so long I don't know. He once asked me how I always knew what he was doing,
"Because Mommies have eyes in the back of their head so they can keep track of naughty little boys"
"OOOH" he says, "Can I see them?"
"One day when you're old enough I'll show you sweetie".
"How do you not get shampoo in them Mommy?"
"Same as you, I close them really tight."

Could it really be that easy?

Poor kid had no idea that he is so loud I could hear what he was up to and he also tends to talk to his toys about what he was doing. Throw in the rear view mirror in the car and I've got all by bases covered. LOL!

Every once in a while I catch him staring intently at the back of my head.
"What are you looking at?" I ask.
He blushes and mumbles under his breath "Nuthin".
I know he's trying to spot those eyes.

I'm workin this angle as long as he believes. Wonder if it will still work when he's in high school????

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Why yes, I am a freak.

We are in the middle of a heat wave. High 80's, mid 90's. I love it! This is the only time of year that I am comfortable. Everyone else is sweating, hot and grumpy. I am as happy as a pig in shit. I may even break out the shorts.

As the temperatures rise and more clothes are shed, my weirdness becomes so much more obvious. I am the only person wearing pants, long sleeves and a fleece vest.

The freakin air conditioning at work is set for 65F. WTF! Isn't that Artic temperature? I am in my office frozen solid, nose running, hands and feet numb.
Customers come in and look at me shivering and ask what the hell is wrong with me.
"The air conditioning is great!" they say. Ya buddy, you try standing here for 9 hours and try not to freeze to death.

Granted, I am nothing more than a skeleton wrapped in skin and one can find me in temperatures as hot as Hades wearing a sweater and clutching a cup of hot tea.

I wear my flannel pj's {sexy I know!} and cocoon myself under my down blankets all damn year. It does get chilly at night. When camping I have been known to wear a touque to bed because I am too cold to sleep.

I would love to live somewhere tropical or at least closer to the equator.

Am I the only freak that's always cold out there?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Bloody hell........

So I made it 11.2 days before getting the Mother of All Migraines. It is the Perfect Storm of weather/hormones/stress and lemme tell ya.... it's a doozy.

I don't remember much of work today. I know I went there in the morning and at some point came home because I found myself heaving in my own bathroom. {Good thing I cleaned it yesterday} How and when I got here remains a mystery. I certainly hope I didn't mow anyone down in my car on the way home. Pretty sure the cops would have been here by now right? I did remember to pick up the little one which is amazing because I don't normally do pick up.

It feels like someone is jamming a red hot poker in my left eye and my face is numb so I am drooling.

Figures it would happen while Ass-hat is fishing. Poor Little J is on his own tonight. I'm opening the pantry and he can eat whatever he can reach. Cold Pop Tarts and Goldfish? Chocolate Pudding and a can of tuna? Sliced cheese and Nutella? Have at it kid..this is your chance to eat anything you want! Makes me want to hurl just thinking about it.

I just have to make it until bedtime.

I have doubled the daily dosage for Tylenol/Advil/Aspirin already so I'm tapped out. I'm sure the ringing in my ears is perfectly normal. Right?

I can't take any of the good stuff because I am alone with the kidlet.

If you don't hear from me in 3 days, it means my head imploded and my brain is seeping out my ears.

Monday, July 6, 2009

In search of Oncorhynchus mykiss

My mighty hunter has once again left home and hearth to locate and conquer the elusive Oncorhynchus mykiss.

Yep, Ass-hat has left for another week of fishing, drinking, sleeping with men and peeing off boats. Just don't ask me where he is.

Fishermen are a strange breed and very secretive. They only share information with a select few. Befriend a fisherman and you're as good as gold. Become one of the 'inner circle' and tap into a wealth of knowledge. What's the best fly to use on this lake, what's hatching now, what depth you should fish, what line you should cast, which lake is producing, which lake didn't survive the winter etc.

Piss off a fisherman and you will meet a stone cold wall of silence.

NEVER EVER post on a public forum information on a 'hot' lake. I kid you not. Some idiot posted a Youtube video of this huge trout he caught and mentioned what lake it was. Not 20 minutes after it was posted our phone was ringing off the hook with fellow fishing freaks calling to talk about what an idiot that guy was. He broke the cardinal rule "We do not talk about the lake in public" The video was subsequently removed, but the damage was done. He will never be able to join a reputable fly fishing forum. The saddest part? Even if he hadn't mentioned that name of the lake, most of the guys recognized it from the video. These boys have too much time on their hands.

Us women cannot be trusted to keep their current location a secret. God forbid word gets out to the un-educated masses as to which lake exactly they are fishing. My letting it slip in general conversation may cause a stampede of folks heading to that lake. Not that anyone I happen to meet gives a flying jelly donut, word may get around. People talk.

Despite much pleading {You're a parent dammit! What if there is an emergency?} and demanding {You can't go until I know where you are!} I still have no idea where he went. I have a general idea- North.

To shut me up, Ass-hat has provided his location to me in case of emergency. He gave me a SEALED envelope outlining his itinerary. I am to open it in an EMERGENCY ONLY.

An emergency is defined as:

The house has burned down
One of us has lost a limb
I have lost the child or the dog
He has not returned home by Sunday night and I need to call search and rescue.

They are so far into bush that I believe him when he says they can't get cell reception but he must check in when he goes int town. There is never enough beer or ice so I KNOW they re-stock midweek.

It's gonna be a tough go doing it all by myself with work,picking up from daycare on time, kid activities, housework {ha ha ha h like that's going to happen} dog walking etc. I make no guarantee that everyone will be fed, walked, bathed or brushed on schedule.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ripped off

I was in the drug store next door to work this week and saw a wicked deal on 'KIMCHI' noodle bowls. .79cents a piece. So what the heck, I buy 2 beef, 2 chicken, 2 vegetable and 2 pork flavour for lunches.

Monday I tried chicken. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Tuesday I tried vegetable. It was reddish brown and very spicy
Wednesday I tried beef. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Thursday I tried pork. It was reddish brown and very spicy.

I'm beginning to think they are actually.all.the.same.flavour.

Now that's just mean.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Family Time

For some reason I really have nothing of value to say today. This almost never happens.

I'm just killing time until I go to work. Sitting out back, watering the flower beds and watching the dog bring me treats. She's living up to the 'retriever' part of her heritage. So far she has brought me:

3 pine cones
1 piece of particle board
1 unidentifiable lump of something organic
2 different gardening gloves
4 sticks
1 plastic bucket
2 balls
1 snout full of dirt that I'm sure she dug out of the garden

She's now happily noshing on a 2by4. I think we are past the explosive pooping stage. Of course she stopped right after the $200 vet visit. Grrrr! So while I'm not cleaning up after HER poo, my child has picked up the reins and is continuing the um, family tradition.

We went for a lovely walk in a local park last night {it's a protected Bog} and we're seriously off trail in the middle of nowhere when Little J announces that he has to pee. Well, we are in nature so find a good 'pee bush' and have at er kid!
Suddenly he looks up at me and says "Oh Mommy I have to poo!" Before I could even say "Can you wait till we get home", green poo is shooting from my kids arse.

Oh my good Lord! We just stood there stunned while my poor child shat all over himself and his underwear/shorts. After a moment of shocked silence I looked at Ass-hat and burst into laughter. What else could I do? We were in the woods, no wipes, no supplies, nothin. So there I am, trying to wipe runny crap off my kid with leaves without making more of a mess. I used one of the doggie poop baggies to hold his soiled clothes and tried to figure out how to get a half nekkid, poo covered child back to the truck without further incident. Thank goodness I was smart enough to have put a jacket on Little J so I wrapped that around his waist and off we went.

Did I mention the awesome dry-heaving that occurred during the clean-up process? I somehow managed NOT to puke, but it took every fiber of my being. I too, was covered in green goo and no amount of leaves, twigs and berries was gonna get me cleaned off.
Ass-hat was of no help at all. He was quote "Busy holding the dog". Glad to know I can count on him in a time of crisis. He threatened to not let us in the truck. I threatened to smear the baggie of clothes all over his dashboard. :)

I made the poor kid stand outside while I ran a quick bath and then picked him up straight armed and plopped him in the tub still somewhat clothed and wearing his crocs. A major hosing off amidst loud screaming followed.

Now that my friends, was the perfect example of non-quality family time.

Huh, so I guess I did have something to say after all

Below are some pics of our 'fabulous' time in the Bog. I thought about posting a pic of the 'exploding bum' incident {cause yes, I took pictures!} but really, no one needs to see that. :)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians!!!!! {and Canadian wanna-be's}

Enjoy a video from my favorite Canuck.


Edited to add the My Name is Joe and I am Canadian Rant.

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!

Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America

My name is Joe!!
And I am Canadian!!!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Survivor Schmoochie style

My name is Schmoochiepoo and I am a neglectful Blogger. It has been 3 days since my last Blog and I have not read anyone elses either. I know! I suck!

Little J's party was a success! {or at least in my mine it was} Everyone showed up! The weather gods pulled through for me and we had sunny weather even if it was a tad chilly in the shade. All the food was eaten. Ass-hat was a BBQing machine. I was fairly tipsy and refrained from beating any of the sugar-laden demon spawn tearing though my house.

We started late. I was starting to panic at 2:05pm when there were only about 5 people here. I'm really anal about punctuality and just assume the rest of the population is as well. Apparently not. It was almost 2:30 by the time all his school friends arrived. One poor parent calls "I'm at your address and it's a farm, I'm staring at a greenhouse with aluminum siding. Is this the place?" He had put 'avenue' instead of 'street' into his GPS and ended up in farm country! Poor guy. He was so frazzled when they arrived. I just handed him a beer. He's my friend for life now. :)

Of course, no Schmoochie party is complete without some dysfunctional family drama. My friends come just to see what my mother pulls out of her hat. I told her to be here at 1pm. Party starts at 2pm. She has some of the food. We waited until 2:45 to start eating. She arrived at 3:15pm. Not willing to accept that everyone is done eating, she proceeds to run around slapping potato salad on every ones plate whether they wanted it or not.

Then she closes the glass patio doors, {there are 2} which have been open so people could move freely inside/outside, because she was getting a draft. Not 2 mins later 3kids go crashing into the closed doors. Way to go Mom!

She anointed herself official cake cutter and I was too busy running around monitor her. I kid you not, she cut the cake that feeds 20 into about 50 pieces. Each piece was about an inch long and a quarter inch wide. Are you kidding me!?!? I started putting 3 pieces on plates to give to the adults. I just kept mumbling "my mom cut it, don't ask' as I was handing out plates.

When she wasn't chasing after Little J to put some socks on him she spent her time lecturing to my poor sister-in-law about how she's failing as a parent. My niece is 2months old. She went on and on about how she raised 2 kids and doctors don't know anything yada yada yada. I had to intervene as my SIL was near tears and I actually told my Mom "Shut the hell up and leave her alone. She's doing just fine and shoving your advice down her throat is not helping. How dare you lecture her on how to breast feed correctly when you bottle fed us!" Sadly, my mother didn't even blink and just kept right on talking. Brick, meet wall.

I used paper/plastic plates and cutlery for a reason. Not very environmentally friendly but EASY for me to clean up. I recycle. :) Anyways, my Mom pulled all the plastic stuff out of the bin and started to wash them. OUT OF THE RECYCLING BIN PEOPLE!! I'm all for renew, re use and recycle but geez, did you have to pull crap out of the garbage in front of company??

Little J received so many awesome presents, the kid got spoiled. My mom of course was horrified at the amount and started taking toys aside so we wouldn't open them. Her thought was to re gift them at a later date because LJ has toys already. She also carefully folded up all the tissue paper, which was fine but God forbid a piece got ripped in the opening of the gift.

One of Little J's favorite gifts was a super duper water gun. He gleefully filled it up and egged on by all the kids and some of the *cough* grown ups, went on a water gun rampage soaking anyone who stood still long enough. Mass panic and hysteria followed as people scrambled for cover.

One of the kids broke the ice dispenser in the fridge and it was spitting out ice all by itself at an alarming rate. I had 2 pans full of ice before we got it stopped. We couldn't let the ice go to waste now could we.....ICE CUBE FIGHT! Ass-hat got half a pan dumped down his back. hee hee. I chose this point in time to hide in the house. :)

I think the last of the guests left around 8pm. I really should be cleaning up the toy shrapnel that stretches from one side of the house to the other but hey, I got important blogging to do :)

It was fun, but a hell of a lot of work. Little J had a blast and that was all that mattered.

I have a few pictures, not in any particular order and avideo of J and his water gun at the end.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Dare I dream a Little Dream?

I'm gonna say this very quietly in case some vengeful deity is listening in on me...

Theweathernetwork is calling for....... partly cloudy on Sunday! 20% chance of rain. Oh dear sweet jebus....don't let it change!!

On the party front, most of the housecleaning is on a roll amidst much cracking the whip and threats of garbage bags full of toys getting tossed out the front door. The final clean should be done by Saturday night and I'm sending Ass-hat, the kids, the cats and dog to my In-laws for the night so it stays clean. Just kidding, but it's a great idea.

The last 10 people RSVP'd so I have to go back to the store to buy crap for more goody bags. I should have just assumed that everyone would come and buy it all in the first place. But no.... I'm an idiot. I decided not to get a pinata. They are crazy expensive and 15 kids 2-12 years old running around swinging a baseball bat is probably not a good idea anyways.

Little J has decided that no girls are allowed to see his bedroom. He is quite adamant about it and is feverishly working on a sign that says "Boys Only". He doesn't want any help writing it so that sign actually says something like "WLAPSHRNC S SUIGD" with some of the letters backwards. Meh, it keeps him out of my hair for a few minutes. I'm going to remind him of his no girls policy when he's 16. :)

Is it a little anal that I have created a spreadsheet and time plan for the party? I have every detail down..when to start the BBQ, what game we're going to play and how long it will take, when we eat and for how long etc. I'm running a tight ship here people. The volume of wine I consume during the party will ultimately determine how close we stick to the schedule.

Princess Poopy Pants is heading to the vet today. I spotted some worms in her latest poo extravaganza in the kitchen this morning. She has never pooped in the house and now she's having these HUGE accidents every day and/or night. Something is not right. She's teething like a bastard and I have picked a few baby teeth out of my slippers. {she attacks them when I walk by her wearing them} I have my baggie of poo to take with me in case they want a sample. I'm tired of poo. I thought I never had to think about poo ever again once Little J was potty trained but no, we decide to get a puppy. A large puppy. A large puppy that poos a lot.

I suppose I should actually get back to work before someone notices that I've disappeared.

Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be back on Monday.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Is she insane?

The Crazy Old German Lady {my mom} calls me last night, once again at 11:30pm when she knows damn well that I'm up at 5am to go to a meeting out of town. We call her crazy for a reason.

Anyways, she asks if I know that's it's supposed to rain on the weekend. DUH! I have been stalking the weather network every hour for the last 3 days. I've offered sacrifices to the rain gods and done some weird voo-doo stuff that I'm not allowed to talk about. ;) I will do almost anything to get sunshine on Sunday.

So ya, she asks. I answer with a few select phrases best not repeated in polite company.

She then says "Why don't you call everyone to cancel and reschedule it next weekend when the weather is supposed to be nice?"

Is she freakin insane??? Just up and reschedule 45 people? A casual "Hey why don't you come out next weekend instead?" Did she forget I'll be AT WORK the following weekend? Oh ya, she said that was not a problem, she would run the party. Damn near choked on my tea when she said that. Seriously, the woman has a screw or two rattling around.

Once I stopped laughing at the utter stupidity of that idea I really had no response. She was absolutely dead serious.

I wonder how I turned out as 'normal as I did.

Well I just had to share that moment of insanity and now it's back to scrubbing.

The upside to all of this? My house will get it's twice annual rafter to floor boards clean. I'll be off the hook until Christmas.

*Sigh* I will get through this right?

Oh ya... the dog has explosive diarrhea and has been shitting in the kitchen during the day. Just flippin lovely.

I wonder if THIS made her sick? Freaky huge mushroom under the slide.

Princess Poopy Pants the Puppy waiting for some lovin

Monday, June 22, 2009

Freakin Out!!!

Ahhhh... I need to be talked off the roof. I have this insane urge to hurl myself off of it. Granted, I live in a 1 storey rancher and I would probably only break the shrubbery when I landed, but none the less, the thought exists.

I am in full out Birthday Party Panic Mode. Little J's party is on Sunday. We're having his party at our house. Crazy I know! This is the first year we are inviting his classmates, so I have strangers to impress. We usually have a friends/family BBQ in the huge backyard, BBQ, rent a big-ass bouncy castle and let the kids have at er.
We have been rained out 3 out of 4 years and it looks like this year will be no different. One would think I've learned my lesson but I remain stupidly optimistic that 'this year' will be better. 2 years ago it rained so hard it flooded. Sunny the day before, sunny the day after, monsoon the day of. I can't catch a break.

It hasn't rained in 6 bloody weeks but the forecast calls for rain this weekend. FUCK ME UP THE GOAT ASS!!!!!!!!

I have scheduled his party on almost every weekend throughout the month of June over the last 5 years and have been screwed over. Every weekend so far this year in June has been fabulous.

I went completely overboard on inviting folks. Confirmed guests at the moment stands at 10 kids/21 adults and potentially 15 kids/30 adults. I can't fit 31 to 45 people IN my house! It's a small rancher, I'll have to stack them up in the hallways. All the games/activities are for OUTSIDE. There's not enough seating. People will be bored and the party will suck and no one will ever come to a party for Little J again. And don't even get me started on the whole RSVP thing.....really how hard is it to pick up the phone and say "Yes thank you we'll be there" or "No sorry we can't make it". Arrgggg!


I spent the last 3 weekends getting the yard ready, working on the landscaping, power washing the deck, making pretty. I want it to look great! I don't want people to think we're trash. Well, we are kinda, but we're closet trash :)

I have no idea when I'm going to get to the house cleaning. With the 2 and 4 legged creatures in this house messing stuff up faster than I can clean it, I'll be cleaning at 3am Sat morning. My work schedule sucks ass this week. I still have to do the food shopping, decorations, balloons, pinata, goody bags, supplies etc.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Next year we're going bowling.


I now return you to your regularily scheduled programming. Carry on. :)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Hey you!

Ya You.....stranger reading this post. Please take a second and leave a comment.

I'm such a nosey Nancy. I love checking out my map to see where people have come from to land on my tiny spot in the Blogisphere. Canada, United States, UK, Australia, Malaysia, India and Nepal are some of the most recent. How cool is that!

I wonder how you ended up here. Did you end up here by mistake? A google search gone horribly wrong? Did you come here on purpose?

Please take a minute of your time to leave a comment or say Hi from 'XYZ'. You can be anonymous. I promise not to stalk you.

Thanks for humouring the crazy lady. :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dear Family Part Deux

Open letter to all living creatures residing in my household.

Dear Ass-hat: I understand that this is nasty allergy season for you and I feel bad for you , I really do. However, after 5 nights of not sleeping because you are wheezing, coughing, choking and snoring like a freight train gone wrong, my severely sleep deprived mind is plotting to bring a shiv to bed and slide it between your ribs tonight. If you loved me even a tiny bit, you would gallantly offer to sleep on the couch so at least one of us is rested. Two tired, cranky and bitchy adults in the house is not safe for anyone. For the love of all that is holy, be a man, suck it up and take some freakin medicine. I don't care that it makes you feel 'dopey' all day. I have enough sleep issues without you adding to the mix.

Dear Child: Please stop begging and crying to go out and play with the dog after I tell you "No, she's too hyper, you'll get hurt". Throwing your 5 year old self onto the floor and convulsing is not the best way to convince me to listen to you. It makes me want to video it so I can show it to your girlfriends when you're 16. And when you do sneak out to play with the dog and she bowls you over and tries to eat you, don't scream loud enough for the neighbours to hear. I told you so.

Dear Dog: Please calm down. I get that you're still a puppy but you're 45 freakin pounds! Stop trying to eat the boy. He is NOT a squeeky toy. He may sound like one but I promise you, he's not. Please stop peeing the second I touch you when I get home. I've been gone for 10mins, what is so damn exciting about me coming back? Please stop mauling me on my way out the door to work. My uniform is black. You are blonde and shedding like a mo-fo. Your hair is strangely lint-brush resistant.

Dear Fat Kitty. Stop sleeping on my head! I do not enjoy rolling over in the middle of the night only to be suffocated by 20lbs of fur. Sleep on Ass-hats pillow. Thank you for continuing to pee on Ass hats laundry pile. It makes me happy in a vindictive sort of way. Don't worry, I'll protect you. :)

Dear Freaky Kitty: See note above about peeing only on Ass-hats laundry. Same goes for barfing. No barfing on my pj's. Stop trying to escape when the door is open for the dog. You have no idea what it's like in the Outdoor Woods. I expect that from the fat one, not you. You will freak out and your heart will explode if you make it off the deck.

To All: Why can't you keep the house clean for longer than 10mins? I swear it's clean when I leave for work every day and when I get home it looks like a hurricane went through. I know you eat nothing but fast food the nights I am not home for dinner so how do you explain the piles of dishes on the counter? Did I miss a party?
Did you forget where the 4 laundry baskets are? Is the closet door too hard to open to put your shoes away? Did you really play with every single toy in the house? How come the kid ate 8 granola bars but the grapes and carrots are un-touched? 8 FREAKIN GRANOLA BARS!!!! Now I have to go back to the store because those were for snacks after ball hockey...did you forget that we are snack parents tomorrow? How hard is it to pick up the phone and call me at work to ask me to pick up milk on the way home? Did you think I wouldn't notice the empty jug in the fridge when I made my tea this morning {without milk!} If you use the last of the toilet paper, get a new roll. I do not like drip-drying at 4am. Next time I'll use your bath towel. {which is on the floor anyways}

Ya'll may want to shape up because one day Mommy won't come home from work. I'll run off and live by myself in a cabin in the woods and leave you to fend for yourselves.

Good luck with that eh?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Failure to communicate

The following exchange occurred at work last night while I was at the front to the store

Customer enters, looks around, spots me and walks over

Me: Hello! Welcome to "Big Box Office Supply Store"
Customer looking confused "Pants?"
Me eyebrow raised: "Pardon me?"
Customer loudly: "PANTS!"
Me trying to distinguish his heavy accent "Paint? Paper?"
Customer hopping up and down "No Pants! Need Pants!"
Me really confused: "You want pants?" pointing to my own legs
Customer excited and peering over my shoulder into the store: "Yes! Pants! Where?"
Me: "Uh you're in 'Big Box Office Supply Store'. We sell electronics and office stuff"
Customer looking very sad: "No pants?"
Me: "No sorry, all out of pants"
Customer: "No pants?"
Customer takes one last look over my shoulder: "OK No pants." stares at me for a moment to determine if I might be lying to him, sighs heavily and leaves.

I sent him to the drugstore next door. Let them have fun with that.

This is what I get paid the big bucks for folks. :) I should have told him to head down aisle 15 {which doesn't exist just to see what happened}.

Sadly that was the highlight of my evening.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


You know you've messed up your back when you can't reach around to wipe your own arse.

Even worse, there's no one home to help you.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

He's so damn cute

It took me 3 months of daily kvetching to finally convince Ass-hat to crate train the damn dog. I even brought a crate home, plopped it in the kitchen and said "It says or I go!" I want my kitchen back! Tahoe will soon be big enough to jump over the baby gate which is the only thing keeping her confined in the kitchen. Ass-hat still doesn't want her outside when we're not home or overnight. GAH! I think the dog is old enough. She's 45lbs now and is still a puppy who likes to jump up, nip and tackle. I've been bowled over more than once by the over-exuberant beast.

I need to be able to put her somewhere when we have people over and are in/out of the house. Little J's party is in 2 weeks and with 40 people/children running around in and out of the house through the kitchen we need her crated.

It's taken a few days but she did sleep inside it last night {with the doors off} and hopefully we can work up to closing the door and not have her freak out and try to chew her own leg off trying to escape.

So Little J has taken great interest in this process. He's been peppering me with a million "whys" and "how comes". I'm trying to explain that it's not to punish the dog but to give her a safe place to be when she can't run around free.

Earlier tonight he asked me how to spell "Puppy" and then how to spell "only". I didn't think anything of it as the child tends to ask the oddest questions. He shut his bedroom door with a stern "Don't come in!" and I was just happy to get a few minutes of slience. At bedtime I walk into his room to read stories and discover that he has made Puppy his own crate!

Puppy is a stuffed dog that my Aunt gave him for Valentines day when he was 2. Puppy goes EVERYWHERE with Little J. There is much strife and trauma in the Schmoochie household when Puppy goes MIA. Poor Puppy has lost his tongue several times, his tail is sewed on backwards {oops] and his hind leg is held together with a safety pin. Puupy is Little J's most prized posession.

Little J took one of my 'junk' tote-thingies, decorated it and drew a sign that says "Puppy Only" on it. "Now Puppy can be safe when I'm not here too Mommy" And he did it all by himself.

He makes my heart happy. :)

Now to find out where he put the stuff that used to be in the crate.....