Friday, July 31, 2009

Word Verification

I am dragging myself away from Facebook to write about those stupid word verifications.

These are not words. These are what 4 year olds write when they are learning the alphabet and declaring "Look Mommy I wrote my name!"

I have issues with spelling and it hurts my head to spell words that aren't really words at all.

Here are some gems I came across while commenting around BlogbVille

GOAXIMO this one I may use in my every day vocabulary in place of a curse word!

Now you see, some of these could potentially means something so then I am compelled to google them to find out for sure.

Some have shown up as a foreign language, and some of the "did you mean Xyz" options have been downright funny.

I just want them to use real words. Is that too much to ask??

I'm not going to bother spell checking this post because it will be a mass of red. :)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Save me....

.....from myself!

I've gotten myself into a heap o' trouble.

After avoiding countless invitations on Facebook I caved in a moment of weakness and started playing the following

Farm Town
Barn Buddy
Farm Pals
Garden Hood.

Sweet baby Geebus. This is sucking up ALL my time!!! I'm visiting farms, doing manual labour for pennies, hanging out at the marketplace pimping myself out for work, going bankrupt, obsessively checking every couple of hours to see if I have bugs or weeds, shuffling fields, chasing cows, debating seed planting choices based on when they will harvest and my work schedule, salivating at the level 30's and so on and so on and so on.

Someone please help me! I can't stop. I don't want to stop.

We leave on vacation is 10 days so I have to plan all my harvests to happen by them or they will go to waste. Who will water my crops? Pull weeds? Kill bugs? Someone could steal my entire crop!

If I put this much thought, planning and effort into my REAL life who knows how successful [or compulsively insane} I would be?


Sorry, had to go check my crops. :) I need to level up so I can start growing peppers and cotton dammit. Maybe buy a fence to keep the cows out or a house would be nice....pond? gazeebo? some pretty flowers?

I'm losing control of my life. The laundry is piling up, I burned dinner last night because I got a good harvesting job, I think my kid had a bath this week. I was late for work and I believe Ass-hat may have packed up and left but I haven't taken the time to check.

I'm contemplating buying another computer so I can have multiple windows up at all times, it would save some time and make me more efficient.

Oh I am a mess, :)

Please help me.........

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How do I??

Schmoochie needs your expertise!

I would like to be able to reply in email to commenters on my Blog. Some Blogs I comment on do this and I like it. How do I set it up so that I can respond to comments in email? I just can't figure out how to do it. :(


ps.. It's still stupidly hot here. I sold out ALL my fans at work last night. People would walk in, look at me and ask "do you.." and I would shake my head and reply "No, we don't sell A/C units and I'm sold out of fans. So is every retailer in a 40km radius. But would you like to buy a computer or some school supplies?" :)

At least it's air conditioned at work so there is an upside to being employed this week. It's been busy with people in and out but no one is buying..they just wander around in the cold air to cool off and then head out on their merry way. I should start charging a cover fee to get in.

Happy Wednesday all!

Monday, July 27, 2009

My bleeding eyes!

The bad part about a heat wave? People shed clothing. Sometimes too much.

We were at the gas station and this woman about 40ish hops out of her car IN AN ITSY BITSY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI {ok, it was blue but I digress} and bounces her way into the store.

Uh.....ok. I could understand this if the gas station was located say- near the beach or ocean or obvious tourist-town-like water attraction but this was in the middle of the suburbs. Closest beach is about 30mins away.

Now seriously, you couldn't throw on a shirt and shorts? I don't need to see you and the cute tattoo on your butt jiggling in front of me in the store.

Ass-Hat: "That's just not right"
Schmoochie: "Wow..."
Little J: "Holy schmoley!" {his new phrase de jour}
Schmoochie: "Close your eyes honey or they will burn"
Little J: "Mommy she forgot to get dressed! She's in her underwear!"
Ass-Hat: "That's just not right"

If this is what she wears to pick up milk, I'd be very afraid of what she wears to the actual beach.

I need to go bleach my brain.

Monday Random Musings

Ah Mondays. That dreadfull event that shows up every 7 days like clockwork.

I'm far too lazy to string together a coherent post but I think I can manage bullet points. I should actually be cleaning the house, going to the vet to pick up tick medicine, playing with the kid, going grocery shopping and getting dressed but hey, It's Monday and I don't care. Besides, the thought of climbing into my oven-er-car at the moment is not so appealing.

It is stupidly hot here! It's 11am and in the shade it's 32C. Which is 90F. Did I mention that was in the shade?? We are in for at least a week of record breaking temps. That is not good for forest fire season. It seems as though most of the province is ablaze. :( That means campfire bans. That means no entertainment in the evenings for our trip in 2 weeks :( That's the best part about camping...
sitting by the fire in the dark, kids running around with glow-sticks, a nice rum and coke in hand, igniting marshmallows, telling stories and having a few laughs.

So ya anyways, it's hot. We had my grandmother's 90th bday party on Sat in my parents backyard. Stupid hot. Then a fabulous thunderstorm rolled through. We don't get thunderstorms here. I've lived here since 1979 and have not seen one around these parts. It was freakin AWESOME! Sheet lightning, fork lightning, those big booming rumbles. Not to mention hail and monsoon-like rain which we desperately needed. Best part was the temp dropped about 10 degrees to be comfortable. It went on for hours. Ass-hat and I sat on the hood of the truck, in the rain, just watching.
Then we realized "hey....we have the tallest trees in the neighbourhood" Our pine/fir/evergreen trees are at least 60 years old and they are tall tall tall.
I suggested to Ass-hat that he put some tinfoil on his head and climb one of them but he didn't think it was such a great idea. {hey, he's insured!}

Tahoe is dong well. We cut down her Bell-Express-Vue cone so she can at least plop in over her dish to eat. She looks absolutely ridiculous but she has accepted the fact that the cone is staying on. We have to keep her face wound dry so poor puupy can'r even run through the sprinkler to get some relief from the heat. She is lying on the cool kitchen tile. I might join her...

Oh, it's 39C or 103F in the sun. CRAAAAAAAAZY!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

WOW, just WOW.

This is an article I spied the other day.....

Now being a Canadian, where we have stricter gun laws, this kinda freaks me out. I'm all for people exercising their Second Amendment Rights but really, is this the best way to sell a car?

Having lived as an illegal alien in the US for several months in the great state of Michigan, during hunting season, where everyone had a gun rack and a dead deer slung over the hood, I can see the appeal- but an AK-47? Isn't that over-kill? {pun intended}

Discuss amongst yourselves :)

"Talk about riding shotgun …

Myriad automakers over the years have offered freebies with the purchase of an automobile, from bicycles to barbecues.

But Butler, Mo.-based car dealer Mark Muller has truly upped the ante: if you purchase a truck at Max Motors, he’ll throw in a free AK-47 assault rifle on the house.

The promotion is completely legal… well, at least in Missouri it is.

If anything, Muller is garnering global attention to his scheme. He was recently interviewed in-depth on CNN, where he staunchly defended the AK-47 promotion. Muller noted there’s a “bunch of evil in the world” and that he’s a “firm believer in the Second Amendment.”

When informed that there’s a bit of a difference between giving away, say, a hunting rifle and an AK-47, Muller remained unfazed. Next time your vehicle is swarmed by seven thugs, he told the journalist, “You’ll wish you had an AK-47.” (Methinks simply sporting a “Max Motors” decal on the rear bumper would be sufficient warning to scare off the criminal element – assuming they’ve heard about Muller’s promotion.)

To clarify, buyers won’t actually be driving off the lot in a Silverado with an AK-47 occupying the passenger seat. Rather, a new truck purchaser will receive a voucher worth about US$450 that can be redeemed at his friendly neighbourhood gun boutique.

The promotion is also hailed on the dealership's website, A photo of an AK-47 is perched next to an illustration of a cowboy sporting a couple of six-shooters. The dealership’s slogan is, “Our prices even blow us away!”

Regardless where one stands on guns, the AK-47 promotion is generating publicity faster than an AK-47 fires bullets. The dealership – which sells Chrysler, Ford and GM products – has been featured on Fox News, CNBC and even the BBC.

According to the website, feedback regarding the gun giveaway has been overwhelmingly positive. “We want to thank everyone who has emailed us and commented about our latest promotion,” notes the site. “Your support has been tremendous!”

My hunch: Muller knows full well that giving away an assault rifle is a slam-dunk way of getting noticed (and it’s far more effective that erecting the de rigueur inflatable dinosaur upon the dealership rooftop.)

Or perhaps he’s truly bought into the stereotype that pickup truck drivers in certain regions love the idea of driving around with weaponry.

Either way, Canadian consumers can forget about taking advantage of this particular scheme. While you can indeed license a vehicle purchased at Max Motors in this country, just try registering a freebie that is strictly prohibited in these parts."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's tough to be Tahoe

All my creatures small and hairy made it home in one piece for the most part.

Little J had a great time learning about bees and honey. He hasn't stopped talking about it for one single second. Is it bedtime yet?

My poor puppy on the other hand is slightly worse for wear. Not only did she get spayed but turns out she had a bad infection lurking under her fur on the side of her face. How could we not have noticed it? I feel soooo bad. We also got her tattooed. So belly is shaved, her head is shaved and that damn cone is not staying on. Somehow she Houdini's her way out of it. She's lying in her crate whimpering right now and it breaks my heart. It's going to be a long night.

Here are some pics of my hot mess of a dog.


I took Tahoe to the vet today to get spayed. When I first enquired about the cost I was told $90. This was substantially less than what other vets were charging and that's why we chose to use this particular vet. Other quotes we got were upwards of $200. What a bargain we thought......

So I drop the dog off this morning on my way to work and of course have to fill out the obligatory paperwork. Then comes page 2 and the list of 'extra' charges.

OH SWEET BABY JEEBUS! Now I know how he stays in business!

Blood work panel $70-140{I'm pretty sure that it's not necessary but it sounded good}
IV $40
Antibiotics $40
Pain relief $20/$15 for take home
Cone $15
Ear Tattoo {optional} $10
Spay $90
Random charge that I can't remember what it is $40

Worrying all day because your puppy is under the knife $Priceless

So that is $400 before taxes. Ouchie.

Plus she also has some sort of weeping wound on her cheek that started seeping last night that he needs to look at that too..... there's another chunk o' change.

Getting the dog fixed is costing me more than it did for me to birth a small human child. {and even then I *ahem* 'liberated' *ahem* extra supplies from my room to take home.}

Did I mention that Little J is all over town today on a field trip with his daycare?
Riding in a car. Did they install his carseat correctly? Is he going to wander off and they don't notice? Will he not touch the bees at the Honey Farm?

My anxiety is working on over-drive right now and I will not relax until all my creatures small and/or hairy are home tonight safe and sound. Then I will drink a very large rum and coke while I stare at the vet bill clutched in my hand and listen to a blow by blow account of how bees make honey. All will be right in my world again.

How do they expect me to get any work done today??

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Some of the Blogs I follow do this thing called 'Wordless Wednesdays' where they just post pics on Wednesdays. I have nothing really interesting to Blog about and it IS Wednesday in most parts of the world right now so what the hell huh... I am a sheep, I am a lemming {show me the cliff!} and I will follow.

Random pics of my favorite animals, vegatables and minerals from the last week or so.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Get out of my head!

There is this woman that I keep seeing in my travels around town. She's actually kinda hard to miss.

She's got this jet-black beehive hairdo. She must be at least 60 years old so I'm guessing it's not her real colour and the incredible heights this beehive reaches defies gravity {think Marge Simpson}. She always wears bold coloured/garish caftans and her make up is clown like in it's application and appearance.

This woman fascinates me. How does she get into her car with hair that high? How long does her makeup take? What does she look like without all that crap on? Who in the world lets her out of the house looking like that?

I'm sure she's a very nice woman but wowsa.....I think she took a wrong turn at the Burlesque Parlour.

Have you ever come across someone 'interesting' and you can't get them out of your head or am I borderline stalker material? Is it wrong that once in a while I start thinking about what she's doing, where I might see her next, does she work, is she retired, why in heck no one buys her a mirror and so on. I think I need to find myself a better hobby.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Farting is funny.

So little J just farted.

He called it a Blow-Fart

It's when you fart a little bubble.

Curious I asked if he named all his farts.

:rolling eyes: "Yes Mommy. It's the rule."

Rule? Whose rule?


So of course I had to know all his fart names and what I got was..

Daddy Fart... when it goes pfft..pfft..pfft.

Real/Normal Fart... no bubbles, one pfft.

Poo Fart... when you poo yourself a little

Sneaky Fart... when you can't hear it.

Dog Fart... when it smells so bad you have to cry

Little J is going to be quite the catch for some lucky lady in the future.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Play me a song Mr. Piano Man

Little J is fascinated with Ipods and MP3 players. He can amuse himself for hours listening to Ass-hats Ipod. I didn't think anything of letting him have at it until the other day when he came up to me and said "Mommy, the man singing just said ass and another word that I'm sure is bad." Uh oh. A light went off in my head and I started to really think about what kind of music was on that Ipod.

We have pretty eclectic tastes so everything from Paul Anka to Limp Bizkit is on there. OOPS! Some is of is definitely not kid appropriate!

So for Little J's birthday, I got him a cheap $10 mp3 player. We've been loading songs that are rated PG. He really likes country music and dance tunes. And bass, lots and lots of bass. Not a single 'kiddie tune' on it at all.

He has not stopped listening for days. It is permanently attached to his head. He tries to wear it into the bathtub. I fear it may fall into the toilet one day. It's so damn cute to watch him bopping around, toes tapping and trying to sing along. The kids got pipes.

The downside...he never hears me when I call him. So now I'm shrieking like a fish-wife. It's summer, the doors and windows are open. I'm sure the neighbours are calling me the crazy-lady who yells a lot.

Now if I could somehow figure out how to get the theme music for Bakugan onto the MP3 player, I'd be the coolest mom ever!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All seeing or just plain nosey?

I have eyes in the back of my head. Seriously, I do. Just ask my kid. Or any of my employees. I seem to have a knack for knowing exactly what is happening out of sight.

I call is my 'up-to-no-good sense'.

I suppose my associates view me as the old woman/mom/manager and forget that I used to be young and did all the same tricks to goof off and screw around. I'm sure I have a few that they haven't even thought of yet. :) Little do they realize that while I'm in the back office I've got the security cameras up to watch the sales floor. Every once in a while every single sales floor associate will end up at the service desk. Which means no one is actually helping customers. That's when I do the 'Big Brother is Watching' page over the PA and get them scrambling back to the sales floor. They call it creepy, I call it effective managing. :) It creeps out my fellow managers too. The boss-man asked if I watched everybody. My reply was "You should stop picking your nose in the front cash office." *evil grin*

Little J is completely freaked out by the eyes in the back of my head. How I've managed to keep him convinced for so long I don't know. He once asked me how I always knew what he was doing,
"Because Mommies have eyes in the back of their head so they can keep track of naughty little boys"
"OOOH" he says, "Can I see them?"
"One day when you're old enough I'll show you sweetie".
"How do you not get shampoo in them Mommy?"
"Same as you, I close them really tight."

Could it really be that easy?

Poor kid had no idea that he is so loud I could hear what he was up to and he also tends to talk to his toys about what he was doing. Throw in the rear view mirror in the car and I've got all by bases covered. LOL!

Every once in a while I catch him staring intently at the back of my head.
"What are you looking at?" I ask.
He blushes and mumbles under his breath "Nuthin".
I know he's trying to spot those eyes.

I'm workin this angle as long as he believes. Wonder if it will still work when he's in high school????

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Why yes, I am a freak.

We are in the middle of a heat wave. High 80's, mid 90's. I love it! This is the only time of year that I am comfortable. Everyone else is sweating, hot and grumpy. I am as happy as a pig in shit. I may even break out the shorts.

As the temperatures rise and more clothes are shed, my weirdness becomes so much more obvious. I am the only person wearing pants, long sleeves and a fleece vest.

The freakin air conditioning at work is set for 65F. WTF! Isn't that Artic temperature? I am in my office frozen solid, nose running, hands and feet numb.
Customers come in and look at me shivering and ask what the hell is wrong with me.
"The air conditioning is great!" they say. Ya buddy, you try standing here for 9 hours and try not to freeze to death.

Granted, I am nothing more than a skeleton wrapped in skin and one can find me in temperatures as hot as Hades wearing a sweater and clutching a cup of hot tea.

I wear my flannel pj's {sexy I know!} and cocoon myself under my down blankets all damn year. It does get chilly at night. When camping I have been known to wear a touque to bed because I am too cold to sleep.

I would love to live somewhere tropical or at least closer to the equator.

Am I the only freak that's always cold out there?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Bloody hell........

So I made it 11.2 days before getting the Mother of All Migraines. It is the Perfect Storm of weather/hormones/stress and lemme tell ya.... it's a doozy.

I don't remember much of work today. I know I went there in the morning and at some point came home because I found myself heaving in my own bathroom. {Good thing I cleaned it yesterday} How and when I got here remains a mystery. I certainly hope I didn't mow anyone down in my car on the way home. Pretty sure the cops would have been here by now right? I did remember to pick up the little one which is amazing because I don't normally do pick up.

It feels like someone is jamming a red hot poker in my left eye and my face is numb so I am drooling.

Figures it would happen while Ass-hat is fishing. Poor Little J is on his own tonight. I'm opening the pantry and he can eat whatever he can reach. Cold Pop Tarts and Goldfish? Chocolate Pudding and a can of tuna? Sliced cheese and Nutella? Have at it kid..this is your chance to eat anything you want! Makes me want to hurl just thinking about it.

I just have to make it until bedtime.

I have doubled the daily dosage for Tylenol/Advil/Aspirin already so I'm tapped out. I'm sure the ringing in my ears is perfectly normal. Right?

I can't take any of the good stuff because I am alone with the kidlet.

If you don't hear from me in 3 days, it means my head imploded and my brain is seeping out my ears.

Monday, July 6, 2009

In search of Oncorhynchus mykiss

My mighty hunter has once again left home and hearth to locate and conquer the elusive Oncorhynchus mykiss.

Yep, Ass-hat has left for another week of fishing, drinking, sleeping with men and peeing off boats. Just don't ask me where he is.

Fishermen are a strange breed and very secretive. They only share information with a select few. Befriend a fisherman and you're as good as gold. Become one of the 'inner circle' and tap into a wealth of knowledge. What's the best fly to use on this lake, what's hatching now, what depth you should fish, what line you should cast, which lake is producing, which lake didn't survive the winter etc.

Piss off a fisherman and you will meet a stone cold wall of silence.

NEVER EVER post on a public forum information on a 'hot' lake. I kid you not. Some idiot posted a Youtube video of this huge trout he caught and mentioned what lake it was. Not 20 minutes after it was posted our phone was ringing off the hook with fellow fishing freaks calling to talk about what an idiot that guy was. He broke the cardinal rule "We do not talk about the lake in public" The video was subsequently removed, but the damage was done. He will never be able to join a reputable fly fishing forum. The saddest part? Even if he hadn't mentioned that name of the lake, most of the guys recognized it from the video. These boys have too much time on their hands.

Us women cannot be trusted to keep their current location a secret. God forbid word gets out to the un-educated masses as to which lake exactly they are fishing. My letting it slip in general conversation may cause a stampede of folks heading to that lake. Not that anyone I happen to meet gives a flying jelly donut, word may get around. People talk.

Despite much pleading {You're a parent dammit! What if there is an emergency?} and demanding {You can't go until I know where you are!} I still have no idea where he went. I have a general idea- North.

To shut me up, Ass-hat has provided his location to me in case of emergency. He gave me a SEALED envelope outlining his itinerary. I am to open it in an EMERGENCY ONLY.

An emergency is defined as:

The house has burned down
One of us has lost a limb
I have lost the child or the dog
He has not returned home by Sunday night and I need to call search and rescue.

They are so far into bush that I believe him when he says they can't get cell reception but he must check in when he goes int town. There is never enough beer or ice so I KNOW they re-stock midweek.

It's gonna be a tough go doing it all by myself with work,picking up from daycare on time, kid activities, housework {ha ha ha h like that's going to happen} dog walking etc. I make no guarantee that everyone will be fed, walked, bathed or brushed on schedule.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ripped off

I was in the drug store next door to work this week and saw a wicked deal on 'KIMCHI' noodle bowls. .79cents a piece. So what the heck, I buy 2 beef, 2 chicken, 2 vegetable and 2 pork flavour for lunches.

Monday I tried chicken. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Tuesday I tried vegetable. It was reddish brown and very spicy
Wednesday I tried beef. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Thursday I tried pork. It was reddish brown and very spicy.

I'm beginning to think they are actually.all.the.same.flavour.

Now that's just mean.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Family Time

For some reason I really have nothing of value to say today. This almost never happens.

I'm just killing time until I go to work. Sitting out back, watering the flower beds and watching the dog bring me treats. She's living up to the 'retriever' part of her heritage. So far she has brought me:

3 pine cones
1 piece of particle board
1 unidentifiable lump of something organic
2 different gardening gloves
4 sticks
1 plastic bucket
2 balls
1 snout full of dirt that I'm sure she dug out of the garden

She's now happily noshing on a 2by4. I think we are past the explosive pooping stage. Of course she stopped right after the $200 vet visit. Grrrr! So while I'm not cleaning up after HER poo, my child has picked up the reins and is continuing the um, family tradition.

We went for a lovely walk in a local park last night {it's a protected Bog} and we're seriously off trail in the middle of nowhere when Little J announces that he has to pee. Well, we are in nature so find a good 'pee bush' and have at er kid!
Suddenly he looks up at me and says "Oh Mommy I have to poo!" Before I could even say "Can you wait till we get home", green poo is shooting from my kids arse.

Oh my good Lord! We just stood there stunned while my poor child shat all over himself and his underwear/shorts. After a moment of shocked silence I looked at Ass-hat and burst into laughter. What else could I do? We were in the woods, no wipes, no supplies, nothin. So there I am, trying to wipe runny crap off my kid with leaves without making more of a mess. I used one of the doggie poop baggies to hold his soiled clothes and tried to figure out how to get a half nekkid, poo covered child back to the truck without further incident. Thank goodness I was smart enough to have put a jacket on Little J so I wrapped that around his waist and off we went.

Did I mention the awesome dry-heaving that occurred during the clean-up process? I somehow managed NOT to puke, but it took every fiber of my being. I too, was covered in green goo and no amount of leaves, twigs and berries was gonna get me cleaned off.
Ass-hat was of no help at all. He was quote "Busy holding the dog". Glad to know I can count on him in a time of crisis. He threatened to not let us in the truck. I threatened to smear the baggie of clothes all over his dashboard. :)

I made the poor kid stand outside while I ran a quick bath and then picked him up straight armed and plopped him in the tub still somewhat clothed and wearing his crocs. A major hosing off amidst loud screaming followed.

Now that my friends, was the perfect example of non-quality family time.

Huh, so I guess I did have something to say after all

Below are some pics of our 'fabulous' time in the Bog. I thought about posting a pic of the 'exploding bum' incident {cause yes, I took pictures!} but really, no one needs to see that. :)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians!!!!! {and Canadian wanna-be's}

Enjoy a video from my favorite Canuck.


Edited to add the My Name is Joe and I am Canadian Rant.

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!

Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America

My name is Joe!!
And I am Canadian!!!