Monday, July 6, 2009

In search of Oncorhynchus mykiss

My mighty hunter has once again left home and hearth to locate and conquer the elusive Oncorhynchus mykiss.

Yep, Ass-hat has left for another week of fishing, drinking, sleeping with men and peeing off boats. Just don't ask me where he is.

Fishermen are a strange breed and very secretive. They only share information with a select few. Befriend a fisherman and you're as good as gold. Become one of the 'inner circle' and tap into a wealth of knowledge. What's the best fly to use on this lake, what's hatching now, what depth you should fish, what line you should cast, which lake is producing, which lake didn't survive the winter etc.

Piss off a fisherman and you will meet a stone cold wall of silence.

NEVER EVER post on a public forum information on a 'hot' lake. I kid you not. Some idiot posted a Youtube video of this huge trout he caught and mentioned what lake it was. Not 20 minutes after it was posted our phone was ringing off the hook with fellow fishing freaks calling to talk about what an idiot that guy was. He broke the cardinal rule "We do not talk about the lake in public" The video was subsequently removed, but the damage was done. He will never be able to join a reputable fly fishing forum. The saddest part? Even if he hadn't mentioned that name of the lake, most of the guys recognized it from the video. These boys have too much time on their hands.

Us women cannot be trusted to keep their current location a secret. God forbid word gets out to the un-educated masses as to which lake exactly they are fishing. My letting it slip in general conversation may cause a stampede of folks heading to that lake. Not that anyone I happen to meet gives a flying jelly donut, word may get around. People talk.

Despite much pleading {You're a parent dammit! What if there is an emergency?} and demanding {You can't go until I know where you are!} I still have no idea where he went. I have a general idea- North.

To shut me up, Ass-hat has provided his location to me in case of emergency. He gave me a SEALED envelope outlining his itinerary. I am to open it in an EMERGENCY ONLY.

An emergency is defined as:

The house has burned down
One of us has lost a limb
I have lost the child or the dog
He has not returned home by Sunday night and I need to call search and rescue.

They are so far into bush that I believe him when he says they can't get cell reception but he must check in when he goes int town. There is never enough beer or ice so I KNOW they re-stock midweek.

It's gonna be a tough go doing it all by myself with work,picking up from daycare on time, kid activities, housework {ha ha ha h like that's going to happen} dog walking etc. I make no guarantee that everyone will be fed, walked, bathed or brushed on schedule.


  1. Great post! What is it with guys and their trips? It's all a no girls allowed, top secret boys club! I'm sure we don't want to know anyways....
    Good luck managing everything by yourself! I have a tip: Paper plates and take out. And call in sick one day - no one has to know! ;)

  2. Did you hear that news story about the guy who went on a fishing trip and just didn't bother coming back for two weeks? And when the S&R team found him, he said it was because he and his wife had a fight and he didn't feel like coming back for a while. And when his wife found out which fight he was talking about, guess what she revealed? The fight happened A YEAR PREVIOUSLY and she had completely forgotten about it until he brought it up. On national news.

    Now there's a fisherman who holds a grudge.

    You haven't had any fights in the last year or two, have you?

  3. I had no idea fishing was so serious.
    and that letter, cracked me up!

  4. I know how it feels to be doing it all while your husband if off playing.... mine went hunting in january (along with my dad and brother) was kind of nice now that I think about it.

    I have to admit to doing what we call birdbaths once or twice during this time...for my kid that is. THis involves just wiping him down with a washclothe! :)

    Hope you have a good week!! And it's not too stressful.

  5. Just feed the kid and the dog the same thing. That will save you one step right there.

  6. I had no idea about the fisherman's cardinal rule...first rule of the lake: don't talk about the lake. Love it.

  7. I didn't realize how lucky I was that my husband doesn't fish. Dodged a bullet there. Of course, he's insane for World of Warcraft, so he might as well be on some mysterious remote lake.

  8. Wow - intense fishing or intense fun? or both? Hope you have a good week on your own.