Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

Yes folks it's Back To School Time once again!!!!

What this means for me running the number 1 school supply destination is 3 weeks of complete and un-ending horror. I don't have time to pee let alone eat, sleep or Blog. :(

I will spend the next 3 weeks drunk on lack of sleep and RedBull. You may not hear from me again until mid Sept. :)

School supplies are pretty basic. A pencil is a pencil, a notebook is a notebook and a crayon is a crayon. Yes? Well apparently not. Thousands of stressed out parents freaking out because the school list says "Dixon Pencils" and I carry "Papermate Pencils" Don't worry dude, you child will NOT fail grade1 because of a dixon pencil!

We've made it very EASY to find supplies...dumped everything you need in giant green bins clearly labeled. We have copies of the school lists. We have put giant signs on the bins. Yet people still walk up to me and ask "Where are your school supplies?"
I turn 360degrees, arms out-stretched and reply "Uh, you're standing in the middle of them"

Seriously people, you make school supplies far more complicated than it needs to be and we pay the price.

I will no doubt have some hilarious stories to tell as the days go by, like last year when some one's dog crapped in one of the aisles {they must have snuck it in their bag} So there I am, crouched on the floor cleaning up dog poop and people are STILL asking me to show them where stuff is!!! I so wanted to say say "Ok here, hold this paper towel full of dog crap and I'll show you where the 5 stacks of binders are..."

So my public service announcement today is: When you are out school supply shopping, please be patient with the people who work there. You are the 100th person to ask the exact same question, the cashiers cannot ring through items any faster, there are only 6 registers in the store, we can't walk you around and do your list for you, if your class list is not in the file I was unable to get it from the school district or the website and I can't magically pull one out of my ass, if the sales floor associate is wearing a sweater and holding their lunch please do not ask them to help you find the pencil sharpeners {which you happen to be standing right in front of} and a THANK YOU goes a long way to the people who are working their butts off for you.

It's off to work I go. Got my body armour and Depends on. Wish me luck!!

Sorry if it's jummbled and stuff, I skipped making breakfast to post before running out the door. :)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I will survive...

Dysfunctional Family ‘We’re Having Fun Dammit’ Trip 2009.

I’m getting old and soft. For some reason the thought of spending more than a few days languishing shore side watching Ass-hat fish from dawn till feakin dusk while keeping an eye on the roaming 5 year old , making sure the damn dog doesn’t hang herself with her 50ft tether line, cooking 3 square meals a day, washing dishes in dish pans, conserving every last precious drop of water, huddling under the covers with a tshirt of my head at night while braving blistering heat, ferocious winds and bone chilling cold just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun anymore. And did I mention the dust? Dust, dust everywhere. The kind of insidious dust that works its way into your teeth and other small orifices you weren’t even aware of until they had dust in them.
I’m sucking the last battery power in the trailer to power the laptop. I would sell my first born and only child for some Wi-Fi at this point. Or a shower, or a microwave.

Things I leaned while Camping.

1. Damn Dog likes to eat Poo. Duck poo, goose poo, cow poo, horse poo and kind of poo will do. {funny but poo shows up on my spell check as incorrect!}

2. My child is damn annoying. We are spending far too much ‘quality time’ together. Are all 5 year olds like this? The sound of his plaintive ‘wuhyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ grates on my last nerve. Love him to death but damn, we are not meant to spend this much time together without benefit of time out space for both of us.

3. Damn Dog loves to swim as evidenced by her dragging me into the lake. {she was still on leash}

4. After 6 days I don’t care if I never shower again.

5. Fire bans suck. Camping with no campfires sucks goat-ass. Gathered around a lantern huddled together for warmth just isn’t the same.

6. The upside of no campfires is no smelling like a burnt hotdog, downside is we smell like the bacon we had for breakfast. Everything smells like bacon. It’s too windy to cook outside.

7. Next year we’re going to Disneyland dammit.

8. Ass-hat would rather sleep with the dog than me. And you know what…that’s A-OK. He sleeps with the dog, I get the top bunk all to myself. It’s the best part of the trip.

9. Little J managed to pee and poop in every trailer in our group. That’s 9 trailers. I shudder to think about how much toilet paper is now in those black water tanks. Sorry ‘bout that folks….

10. Blueberry ring pops + fruit roll ups + gummy bears = green poop. This is what my child was depositing in everyone’s trailers. Again, sorry about that folks……

11. A sunburn/windburn really does keep you warm at night.

12. I read waaay too fast and ran out of reading material on day 5. I may have to resort to reading the backs of cereal boxes.


14. I skipped 13 because it’s an unlucky number.

15. I am almost desperate enough to take the truck and drive into ‘town’ I use the word ‘town’ loosely as really town is nothing more than a sani-station,a liquour store and a Dairy Queen.

16. I am insanely jealous of the folks who are leaving for home,Day 5. Ass-hat and I are currently in negotiations as to whether we leave on Day 6 {my vote} or Day 7 {his vote}. As much as I hate to say it, he may win. And he did. We left on Day 7.

So now that we are home, I have about a million loads of laundry to do, not to mention the damn dog needs a bath in the worst way. She's an entirely different colour right now..brownish/gray. And she stinks to high heaven.

Pictures to follow in a day or two, I have to find the dang camera.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Leavin town and headin west.

Well more like north-west but close enough.

We are leaving on our annual Dysfunctional Family 'We're Having Fun Dammit' Camping Trip. This year should be extra fun as the dog is coming with us. Ass-hat will do his best to drink his weight in beer while out on the lake from sun-up till sun-down while I entertain the child, cook the food and wrestle the dog. {and drink vodka from my coffee cup}. Hopefully it's been too hot and dry for the skeeters because no one wants skeeter bites in their nether regions from peeing outside in the bush. :)

I'm sorry I haven't been around much commenting in the last week but I had to get us ready and packed, tie up loose ends at work, work on my FB farm {ack!} and sleep.

I will be back next weekend....I hope you all have a wonderfull week and I'll be catching up with you all then.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's the thought that counts.

I just messaged Ass-hat on Facebook. It was about an act on America's Got Talent.
What's wrong with that you might be thinking......

Well, we are both IN the house watching it. I'm in the living room on the laptop, he is in the office on the desktop. Now my house is not that large, it's not like one of us is hanging out in the west wing or anything. He is close enough that I can hear him crunching his chips. {that's a whole 'nother post}

Have I become so technologically reliant and complacent that I no longer have the will to get my arse off the couch, shuffle the 100ft or so down the hallway, poke my head into his office, make eye contact and say "Hey that act was pretty neat huh!"

God forbid we actually watch the same show on the same TV in the same room, together.

The 25lb kitty sprawled on my lap would tear me to shreds if I dare disturb him so I think I will just continue to send my little messages of love through the worldwide web, bouncing signals from earth to space and back again. It appears as though I put much more thought and effort into my communication instead of simply bellowing "Did you take the garbage out?!" at the top of my lungs. Right?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

My name is Schmoochie and I am a compulsive hair colourer.

My confession: I have no idea what my natural hair colour is.

Pretty bad huh.....

It all started in 1984 when I was in 8th grade. I grabbed a pair of scissors and a bottle of peroxide and *VIOLA* I looked like Billy Idol.

I eventually moved on from the peroxide to hair colour in a box and through the years have been almost every shade of blonde from platinum to champagne to strawberry.

I've been medium reddish blonde and my last known colour was Deep Cranberry Auburn.
This was what led to my downfall. Never ever ever go darker after you've spent the better part of 25 years lightening your hair. {Are you playing attention and taking notes?}

After I broke my hair in February, I promised Ass-hat that I would not colour it at home anymore. He was quite alarmed at the amount of hair he was pulling out of the drain and was afraid I would become bald sooner rather than later.

It has been months since hair colour has touched my hair. And while the blonde high-lighting has softened the edge of re-growth it has become apparent that I am indeed, turning gray. My 'new' hair is a non-colour. I don't recall seeing "colourless" as an option on my drivers license. The gray hair should not surprise me, my mom went gray at 18 years old, so did my grandmother. I can't fight the gene pool.

I really miss my blonde hair. :(

Actually at this point I miss having a hair colour of any sort.