Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Survivor Schmoochie style

My name is Schmoochiepoo and I am a neglectful Blogger. It has been 3 days since my last Blog and I have not read anyone elses either. I know! I suck!

Little J's party was a success! {or at least in my mine it was} Everyone showed up! The weather gods pulled through for me and we had sunny weather even if it was a tad chilly in the shade. All the food was eaten. Ass-hat was a BBQing machine. I was fairly tipsy and refrained from beating any of the sugar-laden demon spawn tearing though my house.

We started late. I was starting to panic at 2:05pm when there were only about 5 people here. I'm really anal about punctuality and just assume the rest of the population is as well. Apparently not. It was almost 2:30 by the time all his school friends arrived. One poor parent calls "I'm at your address and it's a farm, I'm staring at a greenhouse with aluminum siding. Is this the place?" He had put 'avenue' instead of 'street' into his GPS and ended up in farm country! Poor guy. He was so frazzled when they arrived. I just handed him a beer. He's my friend for life now. :)

Of course, no Schmoochie party is complete without some dysfunctional family drama. My friends come just to see what my mother pulls out of her hat. I told her to be here at 1pm. Party starts at 2pm. She has some of the food. We waited until 2:45 to start eating. She arrived at 3:15pm. Not willing to accept that everyone is done eating, she proceeds to run around slapping potato salad on every ones plate whether they wanted it or not.

Then she closes the glass patio doors, {there are 2} which have been open so people could move freely inside/outside, because she was getting a draft. Not 2 mins later 3kids go crashing into the closed doors. Way to go Mom!

She anointed herself official cake cutter and I was too busy running around monitor her. I kid you not, she cut the cake that feeds 20 into about 50 pieces. Each piece was about an inch long and a quarter inch wide. Are you kidding me!?!? I started putting 3 pieces on plates to give to the adults. I just kept mumbling "my mom cut it, don't ask' as I was handing out plates.

When she wasn't chasing after Little J to put some socks on him she spent her time lecturing to my poor sister-in-law about how she's failing as a parent. My niece is 2months old. She went on and on about how she raised 2 kids and doctors don't know anything yada yada yada. I had to intervene as my SIL was near tears and I actually told my Mom "Shut the hell up and leave her alone. She's doing just fine and shoving your advice down her throat is not helping. How dare you lecture her on how to breast feed correctly when you bottle fed us!" Sadly, my mother didn't even blink and just kept right on talking. Brick, meet wall.

I used paper/plastic plates and cutlery for a reason. Not very environmentally friendly but EASY for me to clean up. I recycle. :) Anyways, my Mom pulled all the plastic stuff out of the bin and started to wash them. OUT OF THE RECYCLING BIN PEOPLE!! I'm all for renew, re use and recycle but geez, did you have to pull crap out of the garbage in front of company??

Little J received so many awesome presents, the kid got spoiled. My mom of course was horrified at the amount and started taking toys aside so we wouldn't open them. Her thought was to re gift them at a later date because LJ has toys already. She also carefully folded up all the tissue paper, which was fine but God forbid a piece got ripped in the opening of the gift.

One of Little J's favorite gifts was a super duper water gun. He gleefully filled it up and egged on by all the kids and some of the *cough* grown ups, went on a water gun rampage soaking anyone who stood still long enough. Mass panic and hysteria followed as people scrambled for cover.

One of the kids broke the ice dispenser in the fridge and it was spitting out ice all by itself at an alarming rate. I had 2 pans full of ice before we got it stopped. We couldn't let the ice go to waste now could we.....ICE CUBE FIGHT! Ass-hat got half a pan dumped down his back. hee hee. I chose this point in time to hide in the house. :)

I think the last of the guests left around 8pm. I really should be cleaning up the toy shrapnel that stretches from one side of the house to the other but hey, I got important blogging to do :)

It was fun, but a hell of a lot of work. Little J had a blast and that was all that mattered.

I have a few pictures, not in any particular order and avideo of J and his water gun at the end.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Dare I dream a Little Dream?

I'm gonna say this very quietly in case some vengeful deity is listening in on me...

Theweathernetwork is calling for....... partly cloudy on Sunday! 20% chance of rain. Oh dear sweet jebus....don't let it change!!

On the party front, most of the housecleaning is on a roll amidst much cracking the whip and threats of garbage bags full of toys getting tossed out the front door. The final clean should be done by Saturday night and I'm sending Ass-hat, the kids, the cats and dog to my In-laws for the night so it stays clean. Just kidding, but it's a great idea.

The last 10 people RSVP'd so I have to go back to the store to buy crap for more goody bags. I should have just assumed that everyone would come and buy it all in the first place. But no.... I'm an idiot. I decided not to get a pinata. They are crazy expensive and 15 kids 2-12 years old running around swinging a baseball bat is probably not a good idea anyways.

Little J has decided that no girls are allowed to see his bedroom. He is quite adamant about it and is feverishly working on a sign that says "Boys Only". He doesn't want any help writing it so that sign actually says something like "WLAPSHRNC S SUIGD" with some of the letters backwards. Meh, it keeps him out of my hair for a few minutes. I'm going to remind him of his no girls policy when he's 16. :)

Is it a little anal that I have created a spreadsheet and time plan for the party? I have every detail down..when to start the BBQ, what game we're going to play and how long it will take, when we eat and for how long etc. I'm running a tight ship here people. The volume of wine I consume during the party will ultimately determine how close we stick to the schedule.

Princess Poopy Pants is heading to the vet today. I spotted some worms in her latest poo extravaganza in the kitchen this morning. She has never pooped in the house and now she's having these HUGE accidents every day and/or night. Something is not right. She's teething like a bastard and I have picked a few baby teeth out of my slippers. {she attacks them when I walk by her wearing them} I have my baggie of poo to take with me in case they want a sample. I'm tired of poo. I thought I never had to think about poo ever again once Little J was potty trained but no, we decide to get a puppy. A large puppy. A large puppy that poos a lot.

I suppose I should actually get back to work before someone notices that I've disappeared.

Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be back on Monday.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Is she insane?

The Crazy Old German Lady {my mom} calls me last night, once again at 11:30pm when she knows damn well that I'm up at 5am to go to a meeting out of town. We call her crazy for a reason.

Anyways, she asks if I know that's it's supposed to rain on the weekend. DUH! I have been stalking the weather network every hour for the last 3 days. I've offered sacrifices to the rain gods and done some weird voo-doo stuff that I'm not allowed to talk about. ;) I will do almost anything to get sunshine on Sunday.

So ya, she asks. I answer with a few select phrases best not repeated in polite company.

She then says "Why don't you call everyone to cancel and reschedule it next weekend when the weather is supposed to be nice?"

Is she freakin insane??? Just up and reschedule 45 people? A casual "Hey why don't you come out next weekend instead?" Did she forget I'll be AT WORK the following weekend? Oh ya, she said that was not a problem, she would run the party. Damn near choked on my tea when she said that. Seriously, the woman has a screw or two rattling around.

Once I stopped laughing at the utter stupidity of that idea I really had no response. She was absolutely dead serious.

I wonder how I turned out as 'normal as I did.

Well I just had to share that moment of insanity and now it's back to scrubbing.

The upside to all of this? My house will get it's twice annual rafter to floor boards clean. I'll be off the hook until Christmas.

*Sigh* I will get through this right?

Oh ya... the dog has explosive diarrhea and has been shitting in the kitchen during the day. Just flippin lovely.

I wonder if THIS made her sick? Freaky huge mushroom under the slide.

Princess Poopy Pants the Puppy waiting for some lovin

Monday, June 22, 2009

Freakin Out!!!

Ahhhh... I need to be talked off the roof. I have this insane urge to hurl myself off of it. Granted, I live in a 1 storey rancher and I would probably only break the shrubbery when I landed, but none the less, the thought exists.

I am in full out Birthday Party Panic Mode. Little J's party is on Sunday. We're having his party at our house. Crazy I know! This is the first year we are inviting his classmates, so I have strangers to impress. We usually have a friends/family BBQ in the huge backyard, BBQ, rent a big-ass bouncy castle and let the kids have at er.
We have been rained out 3 out of 4 years and it looks like this year will be no different. One would think I've learned my lesson but I remain stupidly optimistic that 'this year' will be better. 2 years ago it rained so hard it flooded. Sunny the day before, sunny the day after, monsoon the day of. I can't catch a break.

It hasn't rained in 6 bloody weeks but the forecast calls for rain this weekend. FUCK ME UP THE GOAT ASS!!!!!!!!

I have scheduled his party on almost every weekend throughout the month of June over the last 5 years and have been screwed over. Every weekend so far this year in June has been fabulous.

I went completely overboard on inviting folks. Confirmed guests at the moment stands at 10 kids/21 adults and potentially 15 kids/30 adults. I can't fit 31 to 45 people IN my house! It's a small rancher, I'll have to stack them up in the hallways. All the games/activities are for OUTSIDE. There's not enough seating. People will be bored and the party will suck and no one will ever come to a party for Little J again. And don't even get me started on the whole RSVP thing.....really how hard is it to pick up the phone and say "Yes thank you we'll be there" or "No sorry we can't make it". Arrgggg!


I spent the last 3 weekends getting the yard ready, working on the landscaping, power washing the deck, making pretty. I want it to look great! I don't want people to think we're trash. Well, we are kinda, but we're closet trash :)

I have no idea when I'm going to get to the house cleaning. With the 2 and 4 legged creatures in this house messing stuff up faster than I can clean it, I'll be cleaning at 3am Sat morning. My work schedule sucks ass this week. I still have to do the food shopping, decorations, balloons, pinata, goody bags, supplies etc.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Next year we're going bowling.


I now return you to your regularily scheduled programming. Carry on. :)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Hey you!

Ya You.....stranger reading this post. Please take a second and leave a comment.

I'm such a nosey Nancy. I love checking out my map to see where people have come from to land on my tiny spot in the Blogisphere. Canada, United States, UK, Australia, Malaysia, India and Nepal are some of the most recent. How cool is that!

I wonder how you ended up here. Did you end up here by mistake? A google search gone horribly wrong? Did you come here on purpose?

Please take a minute of your time to leave a comment or say Hi from 'XYZ'. You can be anonymous. I promise not to stalk you.

Thanks for humouring the crazy lady. :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dear Family Part Deux

Open letter to all living creatures residing in my household.

Dear Ass-hat: I understand that this is nasty allergy season for you and I feel bad for you , I really do. However, after 5 nights of not sleeping because you are wheezing, coughing, choking and snoring like a freight train gone wrong, my severely sleep deprived mind is plotting to bring a shiv to bed and slide it between your ribs tonight. If you loved me even a tiny bit, you would gallantly offer to sleep on the couch so at least one of us is rested. Two tired, cranky and bitchy adults in the house is not safe for anyone. For the love of all that is holy, be a man, suck it up and take some freakin medicine. I don't care that it makes you feel 'dopey' all day. I have enough sleep issues without you adding to the mix.

Dear Child: Please stop begging and crying to go out and play with the dog after I tell you "No, she's too hyper, you'll get hurt". Throwing your 5 year old self onto the floor and convulsing is not the best way to convince me to listen to you. It makes me want to video it so I can show it to your girlfriends when you're 16. And when you do sneak out to play with the dog and she bowls you over and tries to eat you, don't scream loud enough for the neighbours to hear. I told you so.

Dear Dog: Please calm down. I get that you're still a puppy but you're 45 freakin pounds! Stop trying to eat the boy. He is NOT a squeeky toy. He may sound like one but I promise you, he's not. Please stop peeing the second I touch you when I get home. I've been gone for 10mins, what is so damn exciting about me coming back? Please stop mauling me on my way out the door to work. My uniform is black. You are blonde and shedding like a mo-fo. Your hair is strangely lint-brush resistant.

Dear Fat Kitty. Stop sleeping on my head! I do not enjoy rolling over in the middle of the night only to be suffocated by 20lbs of fur. Sleep on Ass-hats pillow. Thank you for continuing to pee on Ass hats laundry pile. It makes me happy in a vindictive sort of way. Don't worry, I'll protect you. :)

Dear Freaky Kitty: See note above about peeing only on Ass-hats laundry. Same goes for barfing. No barfing on my pj's. Stop trying to escape when the door is open for the dog. You have no idea what it's like in the Outdoor Woods. I expect that from the fat one, not you. You will freak out and your heart will explode if you make it off the deck.

To All: Why can't you keep the house clean for longer than 10mins? I swear it's clean when I leave for work every day and when I get home it looks like a hurricane went through. I know you eat nothing but fast food the nights I am not home for dinner so how do you explain the piles of dishes on the counter? Did I miss a party?
Did you forget where the 4 laundry baskets are? Is the closet door too hard to open to put your shoes away? Did you really play with every single toy in the house? How come the kid ate 8 granola bars but the grapes and carrots are un-touched? 8 FREAKIN GRANOLA BARS!!!! Now I have to go back to the store because those were for snacks after ball hockey...did you forget that we are snack parents tomorrow? How hard is it to pick up the phone and call me at work to ask me to pick up milk on the way home? Did you think I wouldn't notice the empty jug in the fridge when I made my tea this morning {without milk!} If you use the last of the toilet paper, get a new roll. I do not like drip-drying at 4am. Next time I'll use your bath towel. {which is on the floor anyways}

Ya'll may want to shape up because one day Mommy won't come home from work. I'll run off and live by myself in a cabin in the woods and leave you to fend for yourselves.

Good luck with that eh?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Failure to communicate

The following exchange occurred at work last night while I was at the front to the store

Customer enters, looks around, spots me and walks over

Me: Hello! Welcome to "Big Box Office Supply Store"
Customer looking confused "Pants?"
Me eyebrow raised: "Pardon me?"
Customer loudly: "PANTS!"
Me trying to distinguish his heavy accent "Paint? Paper?"
Customer hopping up and down "No Pants! Need Pants!"
Me really confused: "You want pants?" pointing to my own legs
Customer excited and peering over my shoulder into the store: "Yes! Pants! Where?"
Me: "Uh you're in 'Big Box Office Supply Store'. We sell electronics and office stuff"
Customer looking very sad: "No pants?"
Me: "No sorry, all out of pants"
Customer: "No pants?"
Customer takes one last look over my shoulder: "OK No pants." stares at me for a moment to determine if I might be lying to him, sighs heavily and leaves.

I sent him to the drugstore next door. Let them have fun with that.

This is what I get paid the big bucks for folks. :) I should have told him to head down aisle 15 {which doesn't exist just to see what happened}.

Sadly that was the highlight of my evening.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


You know you've messed up your back when you can't reach around to wipe your own arse.

Even worse, there's no one home to help you.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

He's so damn cute

It took me 3 months of daily kvetching to finally convince Ass-hat to crate train the damn dog. I even brought a crate home, plopped it in the kitchen and said "It says or I go!" I want my kitchen back! Tahoe will soon be big enough to jump over the baby gate which is the only thing keeping her confined in the kitchen. Ass-hat still doesn't want her outside when we're not home or overnight. GAH! I think the dog is old enough. She's 45lbs now and is still a puppy who likes to jump up, nip and tackle. I've been bowled over more than once by the over-exuberant beast.

I need to be able to put her somewhere when we have people over and are in/out of the house. Little J's party is in 2 weeks and with 40 people/children running around in and out of the house through the kitchen we need her crated.

It's taken a few days but she did sleep inside it last night {with the doors off} and hopefully we can work up to closing the door and not have her freak out and try to chew her own leg off trying to escape.

So Little J has taken great interest in this process. He's been peppering me with a million "whys" and "how comes". I'm trying to explain that it's not to punish the dog but to give her a safe place to be when she can't run around free.

Earlier tonight he asked me how to spell "Puppy" and then how to spell "only". I didn't think anything of it as the child tends to ask the oddest questions. He shut his bedroom door with a stern "Don't come in!" and I was just happy to get a few minutes of slience. At bedtime I walk into his room to read stories and discover that he has made Puppy his own crate!

Puppy is a stuffed dog that my Aunt gave him for Valentines day when he was 2. Puppy goes EVERYWHERE with Little J. There is much strife and trauma in the Schmoochie household when Puppy goes MIA. Poor Puppy has lost his tongue several times, his tail is sewed on backwards {oops] and his hind leg is held together with a safety pin. Puupy is Little J's most prized posession.

Little J took one of my 'junk' tote-thingies, decorated it and drew a sign that says "Puppy Only" on it. "Now Puppy can be safe when I'm not here too Mommy" And he did it all by himself.

He makes my heart happy. :)

Now to find out where he put the stuff that used to be in the crate.....

What will they think of next?

I'm at work today unpacking some of the stock that's come in during the week that has no home. Meaning it's a promo product and it's usually something we throw up at the till as an add-on. IE: Hand sanitizer, hand cream etc. We're getting some cool stuff in for Back to School already so for me, going through stock is like a Carnival Christmas.

I notice a product called 'Just a Drop' in a little tiny bottle. "Oh neat" I think assuming it's a mini breath freshener and plop it by the main cash register.

Later in the day one of my regular customers comes in and we are standing at the till chit chatting and he picks up a pack of 'Just a drop', reads it and bursts out laughing. "Have you seen this" he chokes out between guffaws. I, for the life of me can't figure out what's so damn hilarious about breath freshener and start to wonder if he perhaps is indicating that MY breath may not be very fresh and that I should try this product.

I politely give him 'The Eyebrow' and patiently wait for him to catch his breath to explain. He tosses me the package to read.

OH MY WORD! It IS a freshener but not for your breath.... it's for the um, other end. It's A PERSONAL FRESHENER!

And I quote..."Just a Drop is as easy to use as the name suggests. Put a drop or two into the toilet bowl BEFORE use. Just A Drop creates a deodorizing layer that effectively blocks and eliminates embarrassing personal bathroom odours. One Drop after keeps your bathroom smelling fresh."

It's for stinky poos!!! No more lighting matches, no more spraying perfume, no more slinking out of the bathroom stall after a particularly nasty dump.

Now both the customer and I are laughing like hyenas. Why is it that people bond over
bathroom humour?

I so want to buy for my general manager who does make it a habit at 9:30am every morning to leave the sales floor and spend some quality time in the mens room. I'll wrap it up nice and pretty and leave it on his desk when he comes back from vacation next week. Maybe I'll get a raise?! Last time I was sick the man sprayed ME with Lysol so this is only fair right? *evil grin*

The sad part? Someone somewhere getting paid a shit-load of money (pun intended) developed, produced and marketed this product because obviously, there was a need for it.

I really want to know what it smells like!! Is it minty? flowery? Sun-dried laundry?
Garden breeze? Ocean Delight? I just don't want to spend $6.49 to find out. Maybe I'll accidentally on purpose run it over with the pallet jack and pop it open.

Any guesses?

So wow... and entire post about personal toilet freshener. Aren't you glad you stopped by?

I so need to find me a hobby!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Busy week at the Schoochie House

Haven't had a lot of time to post this week. It's been a busy week with Little J turning 5, Pre-school graduation and a ball hockey tournament on the weekend. Work has also been hellishly hectic and we're getting the house/yard ready for the big party in 2 weeks.

But I just had to stop and post pics of Little J's Pre-school graduation. I am sooo proud of him. And yes I teared up as he walked in and and got his diploma. I'm a dork. :)

These will be out of order and I have no time to organize so I apologize in advance.

As a special treat.. a photo of the elusive Schoochie with her off-spring.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The First Day of The Rest of My Life

5 years ago tonight I was lying in a hospital bed, tired, cranky and swollen from 3 days on IV fluids. I hadn't felt my legs in 8 hours and hadn't eaten or seen the outside world in 3 days. I was apparently having a baby. Too bad someone had forgotten to let the kid know it was his show now.

Monday June 7/04 was my due date. I waddled my fat ass to my dr's only to be told after being groped that nope, nothing happening. Not dilated, not effaced. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. "See you in a week" said my OB on his way out the door for his Italian vacation. Depressed, I head home and eat a pint of ice cream.

That night we went to bed and all of a sudden at 2am I felt a pop and GUSH! My damn water broke! I jump out of bed so I don't ruin my expensive mattress {ever practical} and go to the bathroom to leak. Wrapping up in a towel I decide to go back to bed and get some more sleep as I didn't have contractions yet. I was oddly calm..I think it was shock, I had been in denial about the whole birth part of this baby making process.

Tuesday morning at around 9 I call L&D explain that my water broke 8 hours ago but no contractions yet. They tell me to come in. When they check me, still no dilation or effacement. They give me Cervidal to soften my cervix. I am not a stick of butter!
By 4pm Tuesday with still no progress they start me on the evil fluid otherwise known as Pitocin. Holy shit! By 5:30pm the contractions were taking my breath away and I couldn't walk through them. The numbers were going off the scale.

They did not want to give me an EPI in case that stalled any progress. I got as far as 4cm. My stubborn boy was just not cooperating in his eviction proceedings.

It was now 4pm on Wednesday, I had been in heavy labour for 24 hours with no pain medication. I was exhausted. Nothing was happening. It was decided that I would be scheduled for a c-section 8am on Thursday morning. I got my blessed EPI. Nothing ever felt as good as when that needle went in my back and the pain dulled. I amused myself for a few hours jabbing my legs with a pen to see if I could feel them.

I managed to keep my sense of humour during the 54 hour ordeal. The nurses said I was their favorite and snuck me cups of tea when the doctors wasn't looking. Because my OB had flown the coop to Italy, I was taken care of by whoever the on-call was.
I even had med students come in. I was there for countless shift changes, other women had come, birthed and left. Friends and family had stopped calling because every time they did, there was no news.

Thursday June 10 I was wheeled into the OR. The gas dude asked how I was doing, just making polite conversation I guess. I gave him the eyebrow as that was the only part of me NOT numb at the point and said....

"I have been leaking bodily fluids for 3 days, I have been poked, prodded and felt up by more people than I can count, I've been shaved by a stranger and now I'm buck naked, spead eagled strapped to a table in a room full of people and am about to be cut open and a human being pulled from my insides. I'm doing pretty damn good considering"

That got around the L&D floor and people were stopping by afterwards to see me and the baby. If you can't be smart, be funny.

At 8:10am June 10, 2004 my beautiful baby boy finally arrived. Stubborn baby.
7lbs 15oz with a huuuuge head. Makes me glad he didn't come out the hoo-hoo.

I didn't know then but his reluctance to leave the womb was just an indicator to how he would conduct himself in the years to come. He is stubborn. Willful. Painfully slow. Wants it his way or no way. He is also incredibly sweet, clever and funny.

He is the beat of my heart and the air in my lungs.

I am blessed every day I have with him.

And now of course... the pictures :)

7 months. Look I have boobies!

3 weeks old

In the sink...look at that smile!

First Birthday

Second Birthday

Around 2 years old. He had the most beautiful curls

He still looks like this when he eats!

Third Birthday..wearing his new raincoat


Fourth Birthday..trying on his new fishing hat

2 weeks ago...My big boy.


Now off to ice his brirthday cake for pre-school tomorrow. It's after midnight, talk about leaving things to the last minute......

Monday, June 8, 2009

Random thoughts from Schmoochie's brain

It's Monday morning, Little J is at daycare and I don't work until 2pm. Why am I not napping?

Why does the Fat Kitty AKA Fatty McButter Pants insist on sleeping on my head lately? If I dare attempt to move him ie: shove him forcibly off the pillow, I get thwacked across the nose?

Why does it take my kid an HOUR to eat his damn oatmeal?

Why is it that the kid can't tell time but can look up in the sky, squint at the sun and announce "Bakugan is on, we have to go home". And damn if he isn't right?

Why does my dog eat shingle bits she digs up in the yard instead of chewing on the plethora of expensive doggy toys I have mortgaged the house for?

Why do I not notice my eyebrows becoming Sasquatch-like until I'm getting ready to out to a party? It's not like they sprout overnight...

Why is it that my kid can repeat the entire dialogue of 17 different commercials but can't remember his last name?

Why is my cable guy not hot? Can't he pull up his pants before climbing under my computer desk to check the modem? SAY NO TO CRACK!

Why is it that my weeds grow better than my plants/flowers. I pretend to garden but really, all the neighbours know it's my Mom who does the real work.

Why is it that I get company at the door when the house looks like ass and I am in my housecoat? No one visits when the house is clean and I look good.

Why am I so awkward with the other Moms at kids' bday parties? Our kids are friends and I'll be seeing these women for the next 7 years.

Why is it that my kid has decided no girls at his b-day party but I'm allowed because I live here? Serious meltdown when I told him that girls are coming. He loves girls, I don't get it.

Why does my house stay clean for all of 2.4 seconds and then someone moves?

Why does Ass Hat sweat so much when he's sleeping? GAG! Separate beds may save this marriage during the summer months.

Why can't Ass Hat remember to open the blinds in the morning and close them at dark. It's pretty simple yet I come home from work at midnight to find lights blazing and blinds open for all the thieving little bastards to see how big our TV is. On the other hand, I come home from work at 3pm to find the house shut up tighter than King Tut's tomb.

Again, why is it that I'm not napping?


Why is it that the mornings I can sneak a nap in someone in the neighbourhood decides to use heavy machinery.

Why is it that the nights I MUST sleep or get up early I can't sleep? My hips hurt, the cats and dogs fight all night, sweaty Ass Hat is all over the bed and I can't turn my brain off?

Why is it that I spend 3 hours power washing and cleaning the deck and the dog makes a mess within the hour? She can shred an empty Pepsi box in 2mins flat.

Why is my family always at least an hour late for everything? I swear my mother will be late for her own funeral.

Why did Ass Hat spend $72 on a dog bed when she sleeps under the kitchen table anyways?

Why does the dog LIKE the No-Chew spray I got to stop her from eating my baseboards?

Why does the dog have to pee on the ball before she brings it back when I play 'fetch' with her. EEEWWWWW!

Why is cat and dog hair lint-brush-resistant?

Why can't my kid pee IN the toilet bowl and not AROUND it?

Why do I have 14 pairs of black work socks all with a hole in the left heel?

Why is it that my kid remembers words like 'metamorphosis','cornucopia','chrysalis','buttocks' and what they mean but can't remember where he left his shoes? {yes, I had to spell-check all of those}

Why do birds shit on my car right after I wash it? In the middle of the windshield so that it smears all over when you turn the wipers on.

Ah screw it, my brain is empty. I'm having a nap!!!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Home on the Range

I'm outside this morning at 8am drinking my morning cup of tea, enjoying the silence, listening to the birdies chirp and generally relaxing in the oasis of my backyard. Suddenly, the red-neck neighbours behind and to one side of us CRANK the stereo! I'm transported into the middle of a honky-tonk bar! WTH?

Don't get me wrong here, I love country music and can be as red-neck as a cowboy from Texas myself but not at 8am on Sunday morning! I can't see into their backyard because it's heavily treed and hedged but the sound clearly travels. I can also hear them screaming at their kids and dog all the time.

They've also built a fire pit that they light up most nights {so illegal here in the city} and they have loud parties on the weekends until the wee hours of the morning. Those nights they play stuff like Kid Rock, Limp Biskit etc. Again, great tunes when I don't have to cringe when my kid hears the F-bomb dropped. We've walked by the front of their house on our nightly jaunts with the dog and wow, what a mess. Kids toys and junk all over the yard, weeds as high as my waist, dog crap everywhere, broken chain link fence and 2 dead rusted out cars. How can people live like that?

No matter where I have lived and some of the places were pretty sketchy, I've always taken care of my property, kept it clean and picked up, mowed the lawn etc. My house isn't the snazzyist on the street but it looks 'kept up'. It's a pride thing I guess.

So in other news. Tahoe had her vet appointment and the 5 month old dog weighs 42lbs! The kid weighs 36lbs. YIKES! How big is the damn dog going to get!?!? She is so strong that when she pulls on her leash my arm damn near gets ripped out of it's socket. I have blisters on my hand from the leash pulling. We had a child/dog collision yesterday the was pretty spectacular. Little J was running in one direction, Tahoe was running full blast for the ball I threw for her and well, someone should have zigged or zagged but they didn't and BLAMO! Houston we have a problem. Kid went flying through the air and the dog landed on top of him. Once it was determined that Little J was indeed not injured I laughed so hard, tears were streaming down my face. I only wish I had videoed it. I'm such a mean mommy. :)

Tahoe has discovered the wonder of The Sprinkler. She loves it! I worry about how much water she actually drinks! No way in heck does she get to come into the house until she's peed several times. The kitchen floor is covered in mud. After the dog got nice and wet, she decided to hang out in the freshly turned garden. MUD MUD MUD from snout to tail. My golden lab was now chocolate brown. She won't stand still long enough for me to hose her off and no way can I lift a wriggling 40lb dog into my bathtub, nor do I want to! The bathtub gets dirty enough with just the kid. I'm hoping that as she dries it will just flake off. Does this work?

Ass-hat went fishing for the weekend so I was left to do the outside chores. Little J's birthday party is at the end of the month and we need to get the backyard into shape. I power washed the deck, planted the garden, washed the outside windows and oh so thoughtfully moved the bags of shingles to the front of the gate so Ass-hat gets the hint to take them to the dump. It takes me twice as long to get anything done with the dog and kid 'helping' me. Why are my gardening tools so damn interesting to both boy and beast? I was constantly retrieving a tool from one of them.

I am way to pretty to work this hard!

I leave you now to continue my day of cleaning, I hope ya'll had a funner weekend than me!

Friday, June 5, 2009

'Happy' hurts.

To combat the persuasive smell of "wet-dog" that has permeated my house due to the dog running through the sprinklers, I decided we would get an air freshener.

Little J and I head down to the store to check them out. It was almost as confusing as buying sunscreen. I, or rather Little J, ended up selecting one of those new fandangled motion detecting air-fresheners. OK truth be told, the kid talked me into it because he saw it on a commercial and well, if he saw it on TV it must be great. Life is pretty simple when you're 5.

The tough decision came to what scent to pick. We had about 4 of them in our hands, frantically scratching the 'sniff me' stickers arguing about which one was the best. I think they were about to call store security when Little J finally agreed to 'Island Paradise'. Who comes up with these names anyways? Plumeria Passion? Ocean Breeze {does it smell like dead fish and seaweed?} Mystical Mountain? See there I go off tangent again. Anyways.....

So we get home and LJ is sooo excited to show Daddy our new purchase. He even showed the dog, the cats and Kevin from next door who was in his driveway polishing his Harley. {why I felt the need to mention that I don't know}

Then came the task of opening the package. Um ya......WTH! Something is terribly wrong with the world when power tools and WWE wrestling moves are required to open ones purchase. For the love of Pete, it's an air freshener not radioactive plutonium!!!! Damn near lost a finger and a pint of blood but dammit all to hell, I got the bastard open.

Now where to put it? It releases a burst of fragrance when someone walks by so it had to be someplace fairly travelled. This house does not have an abundance of available outlets so the options were limited. The kitchen was out..too close to food for my liking. My morning cup of tea does not need a burst of Island Paradise. No outlets in the hallway, nothing free in the living room. Egads! We have a dilemma my friends.

We ended up putting it in the tiny alcove in the hallway/entryway. It's doing it's job and in the words of Little J it smells like "happy". I didn't realize 'happy' had a smell but I'm willing to go with it.

Problem is......It's giving me migraines. I've had one ever since we plugged it in.
So while the house no longer smells like a kennel gone wrong, I am too ill to care. And it took me a week to figure out out.

"Happy" now lives in Joshua's bedroom and the rest of the house smells like dog again.

Back to the drawing board.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dear Job Hunter

I'm not sure what they are teaching young folks these days but How to Apply For A Job is apparently not a life skill anymore.

This is the time of year when I am inundated with teenagers looking for summer work. I think I stopped counting at 250 resumes/applications. With the downturn in the economy and this being our slow time of year, the only positions I will be hiring for this year are seasonal part time for back to school,Aug-Sept.

As you can imagine, with so many applications to choose from, first impressions really do matter so here is a handy DO's and DONT's guide when applying for a job

DO dress up in nice clothes.

DON'T wear flip flops, short shorts and loudly smack your gum.

DO ask to speak to the manager if available.

DON'T mumble under your breath and hand your resume to my cashier and walk away.

DO have your parents drive you.

DON'T have your parents do all the talking while you stand there smacking your gum and rolling your eyes.

DO use proper English when speaking with me.

DON'T use slang and Ebonics. 'Dude' does not work for me and good gravy, is that how you would talk to my customers?

DO come for your interview a few mins early. I like that.

DON'T stroll in 5 mins late like it's no big deal and shrug your shoulders when I ask if you can tell time.

DO follow up once or twice about your application.

DON'T call me twice a week for 3 months asking why I haven't interviewed you yet.

DO show up for your first orientation shift if I hire you.

DON'T not show up for your orientation, never to be seen again. It's rude.

DO stick the the availability you gave when I interviewed you.

DON'T come to me 2 shifts in and ask to have 3 weeks off to go on vacation during our black out period.

DO take your job seriously, you may be asked to stay on permanently.

DON'T treat you job as a major social event for you to pick up chicks/guys and have your friends come in and hang out while you are working.

//end rant.

Can you tell how frustrated I am hiring this year??