Sunday, May 31, 2009

Lets talk about sex.

Howz that for a catchy title. Got your attention didn't it. I hate to disappoint you but today's post will NOT be about sex. {at least it won't start out that way, I make no guarantees}

But since you're here anyways, why don't you stay and read the post. It will make me feel good. And that is what is important here.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter S. Specifically SUNSCREEN.

Yes folks, the sun is out and summer has started and that means another season of searching for 'The Perfect Sunscreen'.

Back in my days as a child/teenager, sunscreen was not widely used except by my mother. Us kids would spend all day running around outside and come in for dinner a nice golden brown. As a teenager we'd hit the beach with baby oil and iodine and bake ourselves for a full 8 hours, coming home slightly reddish and smelling like a cooked ham. Now? I walk outside for 5 mins and get fried to a crisp. My poor boy has inherited my ghastly pale white skin. I'm not opposed to him getting a bit of colour but there is no need for him to come home from daycare looking like someone from Out of Africa.

So there I stand in front of the 16 foot sunscreen section at the local drugstore with several other equally confused women. The selection is intimidating to say the least. Lotion? Spray lotion? Clear spray? Waterproof? SPF 30? 45? and new this year, SPF 60. Prices range from $9.99 to an astronomical $36.99. What makes one brand better than another? I also made the mistake of reading up on sunscreen on the internets and was surprised to see all the 'cancer causing' additives and chemicals in the ingredients. Why would I spray my kid with something that may cause cancer and infertility when I am trying to protect him from skin cancer? It blows my mind. But I digress.......

Once the ideal SPF and delivery method are selected, comes the all important smell test. Who wants to run around smelling like a giant pina colada gone wrong or worse, a chemical plant engineer.{no offence to any chemical plant people who may be reading this, I just don't want to smell like fertilizer.} So there we are, half a dozen women spraying and sniffing, asking each other "How does this one smell?" The aisle was a haze of sprayed sunscreen and arms were used as visual texture testers.

Throw a fussy child into the mix, "No Mommy it's too cold" "No Mommy it's too greasy and feels funny" "No Mommy it smells like feet" "No Mommy it tastes funny!" "Mommy my eyes are burning!", and it makes for quite the conundrum.

So I select a clear spray for arms and legs in a water-proof SPF 60 {you can't be too careful now} and a rub-in lotion in SPF 45 for babies to put on my darlings face. He will have a brimmed hat stapled to his head all summer so I figured I could lower the SPF. Both passed the smell test and appear to be safe enough.

Now I have to get up 10mins earlier in the morning to administer said sunscreen. One would think it would be a simple process.

1. Stand up nekkid child
2. Instruct child to close eyes and hold breath
3. Circle child while spraying in an up and down motion
4. Allow child to dry before dressing.
5. Repeat after heavy exercise or swimming.

In reality?

1. Cover furniture to avoid over spray
2. Move to a place far away from food
3. Close all windows so neighbours won't hear the screaming and call CPS
4. Hold protesting child immobile on the floor with one knee
5. Spray screaming child with one hand while turning child with other
6. Chase escaping greased piglet-er-child around the house to finish spraying front.
7. Trap child's head between your legs to apply face lotion.
8. Get more lotion between ones own fingers than on child face
9. Carefully apply to cheeks, nose and around eyes while child is flailing like a trout.
10. Say "screw it" and put child in long sleeved shirt and long pants.
11. Keep child inside until sundown.

Isn't summer fun?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Out on the Town

Today was my day off and I had big plans to sleep in and do absolutely nothing.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and for me it was a friends Facebook status update about going to the local Children's Festival. DING! DING! I had totally forgotten about it.

It was a beautiful sunny day, Little J was in a great mood so why the heck not lets go!

Now I don't usually do well in large crowds of other peoples children but today was noT too bad. There were only a few children that I gave the Evil Eye to, and they were at least 12 years old.

We had so much fun! Face-painting, clay station, colouring, making puppets, getting mendhi done, nature walk and then playing in the park nearby. Little J was having so much fun he didn't even mind the 20 min walk to and from the car because we had to park so far away.

I'm ready for a rum&coke and a good nights sleep.

And just because I'm a picture whore...


Have a great weekend everyone!

ETA: Dammit Jim! I can never get my pictures in the right order. I suck

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Satan's Minion has arrived.

IE8 is the Debil in disguise. Beware of it's seductive call. It may look all sexy and blinged out but

My browser has not been the same since Lappy has come back from the shop and I figured a different version than what I had been running was restored. I no likey and decided to throw caution to the wind and download the snazzy, sexy IE8.

All went well at first, it had all sorts of cool apps and features and soon my internet was blinged out.

Then I tried to access some of my favorite pages. I lost count of how many times I was aborted upon loading a page. Half of my favorite bogs were down for the count.

WTF? This was so not acceptable and I immediately went to un-install the offending IE8. While I momentarily mourned the loss of my sexy internet I needed my damn blogs to load.

I went back to plain Jane IE7. It was dark, dingy and not very sexy but if I could read my blogs it was all worth it. Tested out a few webpages and all was good. Made
me a cup o'tea and settled down to read my blog-roll. Wouldn't ya know it. The damn pages would still not load. IE8 infected my internet dammit! I gave it the opportunity to take over and it was not letting me slip away so easily.

I admited defeat and with a shamed and heavy heart I re-installed IE8.

Guess what..... it was like I never removed it in the first place. BLASPHEMY! It had a memory! Freaky shit I tell you. I needed several rum and cokes before I could continue.

So I am making do with what I have, I did discover the 'page compatability' button which seams to help on some pages. But some of my favorite blogs won't load on my laptop. I either have to read at work {a no-no} or get hooked up on Ass-hats desktop.

Bottom line is if I appear to have been ignoring your Blog, you are on the list of Blogs That Do Not Load. Fear not friends, I will get to you in time.

IE8 is evil. Do not be seduced by lightening fast downloads, sparkly tool bars and optimal organization. JUST.DON'T.DO.IT.

Sometimes, older really is better.

Off to download Google Chrome... it looks nice and shiny. :)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bake me a cake!

Seeing as how Little J is not so good at sports I figured we'd see how well he does in the kitchen. A board I lurk-er-post on, had a thread regarding rainbow coloured cupcakes. The drama the ensued was quite entertaining but I digress.....
I thought they were so cool. I wanted to make them dammit. I don't give a rats ass about red #40 dye.

I have not baked in oh, about 23 years. Grade 11 home-ec class to be exact. *blush*
Knowing cupcakes were probably beyond my limited skills, we went for a simple cake.
Amazingly enough, I actually had a couple of cake pans. {Thanks Mom!}

Little J and I had so much fun! He really got into it to. Who knew baking could be so educational. We talked about measuring, how a mixer works, how to mix colours and timing. I edumacated my child.

We measured, we mixed, we poured, we baked, we decorated, we ate.

And it was good. No one has suffered any gastro-intestinal distress. Yeah us!

ETA: DANG IT! All the pictures are out of order and well, I'm just do damn lazy to move them all around.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Never a dull day

I suppose I can now add "Wildlife Rescue and Refuge" to my already impressive resume.
Apparently, the word is out amongst the wild woodland creatures in the neighbourhood that my backyard is a good place to hang out. I suppose when you have a dog, 2 cats {who escape into the 'outdoor woods' at every opportunity}, a child who runs amok, lots of crows, small birds, a skunk or 2, oodles of squirrels and the raccoon family living under my shed it was only a matter of time before more free-loaders showed up.

I discovered them this morning as I was taking the compost out

A mama duck and her 8 ducklings were hanging out in my flower bed. Word got out into the neighbourhood and soon almost everyone was in the backyard checking out my new guests.I met more of my neighbours today than I have in the last 5 years we've been here. Nothing like baby animals to bring folks together huh.

Word on the street was that the ducks were from the creek down the block and had been seen wandering the road earlier in the morning. Guess they detoured into my yard for a pit-stop. Problem is, I'm not set up for ducks. I'm very surprised the dog didn't get to them first. To her, those teeny tiny ducklings would be live squeeky toys.

So we all hemmed and hawed and tried to figure out what to do. We put out bird seed to coax them into a box {mama was too smart for that} left pans of water out etc.
Mama just kept moving from one side of the yard to the other.

Ass-hat finally got the brilliant idea of herding them out the gate and down the road back to the creek. Brilliant I say, bloody brilliant! Worked like a charm.

Maybe he really can talk to animals.......

And that folks, was the highlight of my weekend.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Peeing, poking and penis'

When we were house shopping 5 years ago, we narrowed the field to 2 choices.

Choice 1... 4 bedroom rancher,garage was converted into a master bedroom with en-suite and walk in closet. Ugly-ass open kitchen, big living room, tiny cramped bathroom and postage stamp sized yard.

Choice 2... 3 bedroom rancher, small bedrooms, 1 decent sized bathroom, carport cover ted into 'bonus room', reno'd kitchen, big deck and a huuuuge yard.

We went with option 2 strictly for the big yard, big bathroom {even though it was the only one} and reno'd kitchen. I thought I could live with only 1 bathroom.

I was wrong.

Dumb-Ass spends most of his morning 'dropping the kids off at the pool'. He then proceeds to take his 20 min shower. This shower must include cascading. Cascading is when Dumb-Ass lays down in the bathtub and catches a few more winks of sleep under the shower spray. Sounds lovely doesn't it?

For him.

I, on the other hand have to plan my morning around his shit n' shower routine. There are times I have to get up 45mins EARLIER to get into the bathroom before him. BASTARD. While pregnant and going through the joys of 'all-day sickness' I did have to barf into the kitchen sink many a time because the only toilet was already occupied.

Now there is another person in the house to work around. Little J is getting to the age where *I* would like some privacy in the bathroom. Sometimes that just doesn't happen. Sometimes like tonight.

Little J was in the bath tonight and I had to use the facilities. I could not wait.
So I go in and hang the towel on the shower doors to at get some measure of privacy and instruct the tiny terrorist to turn his back. There is a few mins of silence before the following conversation occurs..

J: {in a tiny voice} Mommy did that hurt?
Me: {confused} Did what hurt?
J: When your penis fell off.
Me: {eyebrow shooting up into my hairline} Pardon?
J: You don't have a penis. Did you lose yours?
Me: Honey, I'm a girl, I don't have one.
J: {nodding} Oh ok, are you sad you don't have a penis?
Me: I'm perfectly happy without one honey.
J: Is that why you have the bum-stickers*?
Me: {sighing} I told you not to watch me!
J: But mommy I want to know why you put those sticks up your bum!!!!
Me: I'll tell you when you turn 6 ok?
J: {wailing} Why? I want to know now!!
Me: If you stop asking me questions I'll buy you a new Bakugan. Deal?
J: {grinning} Deal!
....short silence...
J: So really Mommy, what happened to your penis?
Me: {Banging head against counter} It fell off because I didn't listen to my mother!!!
J: {giggle} That's funny Mommy. Can you leave now, I want some 'pivacy'.

WTH happened there? I'll tell you what happened. My epiphany. Ass-Hat will build an outhouse in the large backyard.
He's handy, he could totaly do it.
If he loved me.
The boys can use it and I will finally have a bathroom all to myself. I think it's a fabulous idea and I can avoid having to answer questions that shouldn't be asked for another 10 years. :)

Too much testosterone in this house I tell you. The dog doesn't really count because although she may be female, she licks herself.

I am alone.

Maybe I should get me a penis, I must be missing out on something.

*bumstickers are tampons as explained in a previous post some months ago.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Holiday Rant

Oh dear sweet jebus. What the Fluck is wrong with people? I didn't wake up this morning and think "Geez, how can I be a complete ass to a stranger today?". Cause let me tell you dear customer..if I had done that, you'd get an earful and I would be unemployed.

It's a long weekend here in Canada-land. Historically a slow sales period, coupled with half the staff booking off the weekend leaves me with a very tight schedule. Not my fault either that staff have phoned in sick. Have you ever tried to call someone in on a holiday Mr Holier-than-thou Customer?

Yes I will answer the phone before we open. That does not mean we are open for business. I don't care if you are standing at the front door. We are not open for another 45mins. I will not let you in. I am not willing to get pillaged, robbed and fired because you can't wait 45 mins to buy that pen.

I'm sorry I am not the computer expert, my job is to manage the expert, not be one. If you wait 5 mins for him you can ask him what kind of ram you need in your desktop.

Yes, I am aware that we are VERY busy at times and you are waiting for help. I only have 2 people on the sales floor. No I cannot help you at this exact minute because I am the cashier and I'm trying to keep my eye on the guy stuffing ink down his pants.

When you see me holding a black thing up to my ear and talking into it, I am on the phone. It does not mean you can come up to me and start talking. I help people one at a time and do not butt in line, you are not more important.

Sorry but you need to know the model number of your printer to buy ink for it. I can't read minds and I can't guess which one you need. You can't just buy the cheapest one. I will not return your opened ink cartridge because you are a cheapskate.

Just because I wear a name tag and uniform does not give you the right to treat me like shit. I'm not here for you to yell at, insult, degrade, insult. Go home and do it to your family. Oh and that discount you wanted...lick my balls.

Thank you for you suggestions on how I should make my schedule. My psychic abilities
are apparently seriously lacking as I did not foresee how busy it would be at 1:37pm.

When I am standing at the front greeting you when you enter, the correct response is to return my greeting, or smile or even nod. The incorrect response is to completely ignore me or start demanding to know where stuff is. How hard is it to say "Hi"?

Thank you for returning the laser printer and binding machine right at 30 days. You did not return the 3 cases of paper or the binding combs and covers. I know damn well that toner is empty and you were 'renting' the product to complete a presentation. Bastard. It will cost me $90 to replace the toner to re-sell that machine.

If my copy centre tells you it will be 30 mins to get your copying completed do not come to me and demand that I do it for you now. It is first come first serve, They are completing print jobs that came in before you. Please see notes above that you are not more important than any other customer.

If we don't carry a product, it's not part of my job description to know who would sell it. Don't yell at me when I can't tell you exactly where to get it and how much it will be.

Stop stealing my PSP and Playstation games you punk-ass teenagers. Do not give me attitude when I am all over your ass like a fat kid on a smartie. I know what you're up to and I will follow you until you leave empty handed.

No, I can't call the courier to pick up your package today. It's a holiday, they are not working today. You will have to wait until Tuesday. It's not my fault you need it across the country by tomorrow morning. No one is open today! So again, why are you yelling at me?

To the customer with the exploding shit all over my bathroom stall.. are you freakin kidding me!?!? I get to clean that up and I will puke.

When I make the closing announcement that we are closed and to bring your merchandise up to the tills it does mean YOU. Do not feel free to wander the store chit chatting on your phone for another 15mins. At 15mins after close, my registers
are pulled and cashed out. You will not be able to pay. We paged it several times that the registers would be closing and that you had to leave. You chose to ignore it. Not my fault.

And to my NOT call in sick and then post pictures of yourself at a party on Facebook..did you forget I am on your friends list? You are so busted and in deep trouble when I see you on your next shift.

When I tell you to go on your break now. I really do mean NOW. If you don't take it NOW you won't get one because it will be someone elses turn. You taking your friggin break 45mins late screws up the entire break schedule. And when that happens *I* don't get my break. You try working 10 hours without eating.

And finally, to those wonderful fabulous customers who have a soul, a smile and a kind word today.. THANK YOU. I will bend ass over tea-kettle to help you out if you treat me with respect.

Just sayin.....

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Now thats a relief....

I found the missing battery.

It was under the fridge waaaay at the back.

Now I can stop following the dog to see if she would shit one out.

I took my kidney off Craigslist {to pay for the vet bill if she didn't shit one out.}

It's been a good day.

Damn dog.

She did this in the time it took me to write this post. There used to be flowers in that spot. Not any more.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hockey Night in my town

So tonight is Game 6 in this playoff round. Canucks are up against the wall and MUST win this game to continue.

I am at work. Ask me how happy I am about that..go ahead...ask me....


A} I am missing the game and this is enough to turn me into 'Angry Manager' {a version of Angry Mommy..both equally scary when riled up}

B} If the Canucks win..riot on the street in front of the store. Won't be able to go home until God knows when cause the street gets shut down with all the people cruising and running around 'celebrating'{and I use the term loosely}

C} If the Canucks lose..angry riot on the street in front of the store. Angry drunk pissed off hooligans milling about causing trouble.

Either way, the SWAT team will be rolling into position at about 8pm tonight. I'm not kidding. They need the SWAT team to keep the peace. I will have a front row seat to whatever happens tonight and brought my sleeping bag cause it will be a while before I can leave the parking lot. I only wish I had brought my camera.

Instead of managing the floor tonight I will either be sneaking into the lunchroom to watch or hanging out at the computer wall watching streaming video on the laptops.
Instead of swigging beer I'll be drinking water but it's the thought the counts right?


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Another one bites the dust...

Another Mother's Day done. I honestly don't get the hoopla. Maybe it's because we don't do anything special for the day. Ass-hat's heart is 2 sizes to small so it would not occur to him to do something nice, like breakfast in bed or help Demon Spawn make a card, or give me 'the day off'. I suppose if I told him exactly what he should do for me on Mothers Day it might happen but really, if I have to tell someone to be 'nice' to me is it really worth it? I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt my feelings a little. Doesn't everyone want to feel special for a day?
His theory is that 'You are not my Mother? What do you want from me?" I just have to remember not to expect too much, lower the expectation and maybe I won't be so disappointed next time.

Ok wow, that was a downer. I didn't expect that to all come out. Didn't mean to drag you un-suspecting folk down into the dumps with me. :)

I hope you all had fabulous Mothers Days! I shall live vicariously through you. {kinda creepy ain't I?}

So taking the Mothers Day aspect out of things, today was a pretty good day. I was off from work and the weather was nice.

First on the list was cleaning the house and I recruited a little helper. I had to bribe him with chocolate but at least he helped....

After the house cleaning I got the crazy idea of trying to take pictures of the kid and dog. I know! What the hell was I thinking??? It would have been less painful to jab a fork in my eye. After much crying, yelling, begging and pleading I think I managed to get a few great shots. And yes, I will share far too many of them. After all, it is MY blog and I'll do what I want to.

Well, 3 loads of laundry await me and seeing as how I did not receive a house-boy named Sven as a Mothers Day gift, I guess I have to go fold it.

If anyone has an extra Sven, please send him my way.

Oh and a little voice just yelled out "You're a jerk!" from the bedroom. Someone is not happy to be going to bed. He's going to be even un-happier when he gets his toys taken away for that little outburst. Hold on to your shorts...WW3 is about to start at my house.......

Thursday, May 7, 2009

All is right with the world again

Ass-hat has returned home!

And yes, for those who requested, he shall henceforth be referred to as 'Ass-hat'.

He came home early because he was tired and stinky. Or so he says. I would like to think it was my 'Angry Mommy' voicemail that I left at 2:30am Tuesday morning threatening divorce, death and dismemberment {not necessarily in that order} if he did not return home post-haste.

He did stink sky-high but put on his tech-support hat and went to work fixing my laptop and getting me back on the Internet wirelessly. I think he may have been afraid of the crazed look in my eyes. He was right be be afraid.

I got a full nights sleep, my headache is gone and I no longer want to sell my family on Craigslist. I have happy thoughts again and they are not the result of alcohol consumption or illegal narcotics.

I even got my pictures uploaded so I can show off my new niece!

Little J and Auntie Schmoochie with Ava

Baby Ava

4 generations of the Schmoochie Family... me, Little J, my brother, mom, grandmother and of course....Ava :)

My kitchen still smells like a vet's office. I bought some enzyme odour cleaner and am letting it soak into the grout. I fear we may have to re-do the grout and seal it.
Bloody hell. I also bought some bitter pray stuff to discourage her chewing on my baseboards etc...damn dog LIKES it! Starts to chew and comes back for more. WTF??

Speaking of the Mighty Pee Machine... today is her 3 month birthday! She has no idea how lucky she is to have survived this long with her behaviour lately. {I'd never actually hurt the dog..don't be calling PETA on me now...}

May 05, 3 months old

March 21, 7 weeks old

She's going to be a big girl. She better get leash trained soon or I will get dragged down the street on my ass. The neighbours already laugh as they see me 'walking' {I use term loosely} the dog and trying to corral the kid on his bike. All 3 of us heading in different directions, my head on a swivel a la Poltergeist trying to figure out where everyone is. Little J drives into the leash, Tahoe jumps up on kid, mommy gets dragged to the ground locked onto the leash. Great fun is had by all. By the end of our pleasant sojourn down the street I am randomly yelling at both the kid and the dog.. STOP! HEEL! SLOW DOWN! NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING! DON'T EAT THAT! BAD DOG! GOOD GIRL! BAD BOY! GOOD BOY!
They become inter-changeable like Lego. It doesn't matter much as neither of them listens to me.

If I sound a tad distracted during this post it's because the Canucks are playing game 3 vs the Blackhawks. I love this time of year..Hockey hockey and more damn hockey. A few Sundays ago I spent 9.5hrs watching hockey. And I liked it.If the Canucks score I have to remember the Lappy on my lap before I jump up cheering and screaming. We have our Canucks gear on and Tahoe is happily chewing on her Canucks towel. I would put a car flag on the Zoom Zoom but last time I did 2 years ago, some dumb-fuck kids tried to steal it and broke my damn window. $300 for me to fix the broken window. Bastards. We will settle for waving flags in the house.

I completely forgot it was Mothers Day this Sunday until Little J asked "Mommy, do I have to be extra nice to you on Mothers Day?" Nice kid huh.... I told him that Mommy would like to go to the Planetarium for Mothers Day and now I'm the coolest again. :) Really, I do want to go to the Planetarium- it's da bomb! And maybe Ass-hat and I can make out in the dark like the good ole days.

I miss the good ole days.....when you made out every chance you got in every place possible. When you would arrive at a party and head to the bathroom for 10mins first, steaming up the car windows, anchoring the boat in the middle of the lake and to hell with the mosquitoes, while the washer was draining, waiting for dinner to finish cooking, well you get the point. Now? Sheesh..the moon needs to be full, the wind right, the kid asleep, not too late in the evening, my legs shaved, not too hot and not too cold, no headache, nothing kinky that will throw out my back and no more than twice a week. Man I hate getting old and boring. Am I the only one?

Yesterday Little J asked me what it was like to be a girl. I answered "It's good because I get to be your Mommy" to which he replied "No Mommy I meant when you have your happy period". Damn this kid watches too much TV.

Little J also asked "Where do babies come from?" after seeing his new cousin. I told him that when a mommy and daddy love each other very much a baby grows in the mommy's tummy. {a cop-out I know but I was not ready for the whole Daddy's penis and Mommy's vagina explanation} So anyways he then asks "How does the baby get there?"
Thinking fast I replied "God puts it there". Seemed to satisfy him until today when he asked "Will God find another baby under a bush for us?" Wha-huh? "Mommy, I want a sister so can you ask God to put a girl under the bush for you". Oh dear sweet child. How do I answer that one seeing as how this oven is closed.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Angry Mommy


Wow my week is sucking big time. Nothing major, but lots of little annoying things that add up to one giant head-ache.

In no particular order:

1. Laptop is back, I hate it. EVERYTHING has to be reset and changed. I don't like change. I can't get on wireless cause I don't know what the stinkin passwork is to our network. Ass-hat didn't write it down. So I am still stuck in the office where the modem is. He is out of cell phone range and won't be home until Friday

2. I have pictures to post. Using the spare camera, have no idea where the usb cable is to uplaod to the desktop and the compact flash card does not fit into the laptop. Have to wait for Ass-hat to come home to find the damn cable.

3. Dog is driving me insane. I get that she's a hyper puppy but F*CK! Do you have to shit and pee in my kitchen and night? I do not enjoy mopping the f*cking floor at 2am. My kitchen smells like pee because it's soaked into the grout and the grout is bleached from me scrubbing it. Taking the dog for a walk is ridiculous, she fights me the whole way and spends the 30mins choking herself. When Ass-hat comes home he has to make a gets a crate during the day/overnight or she goes outside. One or the other.

4. Little J is sleeping with me. Meaning he sleeps and I get pushed, kicked and generally woken up every hour. For a little person he's hell to sleep with.

5. I gouged a hole in my hand at work yesterday. I probably should have had stitches and a tetanus shot but couldn't leave the store.

6. I have had a headache for 3 days. I just want to go to bed but I can't because if I go to bed too early the dog will pee all over the kitchen. sense the theme here?

7. The desktop computer is making some weird noise and it won't stop. Can't turn it off as it is entertaining my child. God forbid he talks to me.

8. I missed garbage day.

9. I broke my hairdryer this morning. I looked like a homeless person all fuzzed out and unruly.

10 Lappy is making some clicking noises....would not be surprised if it explodes and I have to send it in again.

I hope to be cheerier soon as being this cranky takes a lot of effort.

Stick a fork in me folks for I am done.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Family

Dear Child: Please stop peeing beside the toilet. I will make you sit down like a girl if you don't learn to aim. Mama is tired of cleaning the bathroom twice a day.
Please stop booby-trapping your bedroom. When I come in during the night to cover you up, I trip over the multitude of matchbox cars littering the floor. They were not there when you went to bed. Chasing me around the house with a giant booger stuck to your finger is not my idea of a good time. Do it to your father.

Dear Fat Kitty: While it amuses me to no end that you choose to pee on Ass-Hat's laundry pile, please don't do it when I am not home all day and it has time to really start to stink. What the hell are you eating that your pee smells like black death? Stop howling to go outside. Yes, I realize that it is so unfair that the dog gets to go outside yet you have to stay in. Do I need to remind you of the skunk incident?

Dear Freaky Kitty: Learn to tolerate the dog. She's not leaving no matter how long you sit at the gate and taunt her. One day she will escape and you will be sorry. I will not hide you. Standing on my head and biting my ears will not encourage me to get up and feed you at 3am. It will however get you tossed across the room. Do it again and I will lock you in the kitchen with the dog.

Dear Dog: Stop peeing on the kitchen floor when I come home. Can't you wait 15 more seconds for me to get the outside door open? Stop chewing my shoes and eating my baseboards. I have spent a small fortune on chewy/squeaky toys for you...USE THEM!
3AM is not the best time to want to play. I am not going outside in the pouring rain to chase you down and bring you back in from a potty trip. Ask Fat Kitty what happens to pets who stay outside overnight..hint: it involves a skunk. You won't like it.

Dear Ass-hat: Thank you for the flowers but they no-where near even us up. You owe me big time for leaving for a week to go fishing. I curse you every time I have to deal with the unruly creatures who inhabit this house. I should have stayed single. No that does not mean you get to leave on another trip. Nice try.....

Mama is going to have a hot bath and a few glasses of wine, do not attempt to open the bathroom door for any reason. If you are on fire or have lost a limb, please turn around, find the phone and call 911. Mama is clocking out.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Pee your pants excited!

Shh.... posting from work. Very dangerous. My boss will beat me with a stapler if I am caught. {no real worries, I can run faster scared than he can mad}

Just HAD to post the following...

GO CANUCKS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kicked Blackhawk ass last night! 3 more to go...

Lappy is still awaiting it's new brain but hubby has left town for 9 days and I will actually be able to use{or should I say allowed} the desktop. However slowly it runs.

Yes ladies, Fishing Season opens this weekend. I will be widowed until late October.

Fishing is just an excuse for grown men to get together, drink themselves stupid, use chain saws, tell stories, drink some more, not shower for a week, pee on trees, drink some more, drive a boat in circles, use their penis' as reference guides to measure the fish they catch, drink some more and generally behave like asses. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

At least I get the bed to myself. :)