Saturday, February 28, 2009

Spaceballs

I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!


May the Schwarz be with you.....

Round and Round We Go

Lets talk Round-Abouts or Traffic Circles.

I don't understand why people find these so damn confusing! You can see the look of panic in their eyes upon noticing a traffic circle up ahead. They frantically look for a side street, any side street, to zip down to avoid it. They are not that complicated. I only hate them because of stupid people.

Seriously.. traffic comes from the left, traffic on your right goes first, everyone stays in the circle until your off-shoot comes...do not stop once you are in the damn circle!!!

I suppose no one has ever been killed in a traffic circle accident as no one travels more than 10kms but there are a whack of fender benders I'm sure.

It's like those stupid revolving doors some big fancy stores used to have. Maybe they still do, I don't know. I live in suburbia and shop Wal-Mart. No fancy doors here my friends.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Day that Was

When did my baby grow up to be such a big boy? It struck me like a giant bolt of lightening from the heavens today. We were out and about running errands and we were having conversations the entire time. I know that doesn't sound like anything amazing or stupendous but in my household *I* am the only one who talks. So to spend over an hour in the car chit-chatting with Little J was pretty amazing and I'm so glad I didn't miss it. My kid is really quite funny and I love watching his sense of humour develop...I have a feeling I'll be getting lots of calls from his school about his 'class clown' silliness disturbing the class.

I was off today and dammit I was going to sleep in. Little J had other plans..I managed to hold off the Devil-child until 9am. Up until then he had been very patient, knocking and whispering "Mommy can you wake up now?". Apparently we had reached the point of no return. He flipped on the light, flopped on the bed with a 'woe is me' sigh.."Mommy! I'm going to starve to death if you don't make me breakfast right.this.second!" "You don't want me to starve do you? Grandma will be mad at you." Huh?


My birth certificate came {$70 express service my ass!} so off to Driver Services we went. There was no way in Gods green earth I was going back to the giant people processing place in my hometown so we went on a road trip to the next city over. I would much rather spend the hour driving on the highway in the sunshine singing and playing 'eye-spy' than sit in that horrible horrible cold sterile crowed waiting room. OMG WHAT A DIFFERENCE! We get there and theres what, like 2 people in line?
The lady apologized for my wait when I got to her wicket..wait what wait? My kid hasn't even started destroying your lobby yet, we just got here! Little J got a 'wear your helmet' tattoo. He said thank-you {that's my boy} and then loudly proclaimed
"Can you help me put it on? My Mommy can't do it very well" Add that to the list of my faults. He also tells people I'm 'earsposible' for losing my license.
I have no business being a role model. :)

I promised Little J lunch at McD's for good behaviour as it's in the same strip mall. We walk over there {dragging Little J behind me} it's packed to the rafters and the play-place is crawling with all sorts of little folk. I convince J-man that it's a good idea to go to the other side of the wall to Burger King instead. So off we go through the fields and over the hills to Burger King only to find out..the play place is closed. %$@!%!!!!!


Other than that nothing exciting happened at all. Good for me, bad for blogging.

Little J has become oddly attached to a pair a Spiderman Gloves. They came as a set with a toque. The Toque fits fine {kids got a big melon} the gloves are way to big and the fingers are floppy but he wears them everywhere. As I type this out he is measuring my head with a ruler. I apparently pass inspection.

peace out

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A new addiction

I have discovered a delicious new addiction. It's called Bubble Town on MSN Games.
Oh my good God......I have been playing it for about 4 hours so far tonight. It's a sickness, it really is.

I'm really hoping someone put my child to bed cause I have checked out of the building. *evil laugh*

While out and about today I noticed something. This city always smells like something. If the wind comes from the East, it smells like the fish processing plant. If it comes from the West it smells like the sewage treatment plant. If it comes from the South it smells like the ocean. If it comes from the North is smells like dead skunk. I don't need a stinkin wind sock to tell what direction the wind is coming from.

Wow, that was really random huh. Oh well.

I am having a major panic attack about my lost drivers license. {I lost it, need an original birth certificate to get it re-issued. I don't have one}. I faxed off my application for my birth certificate to Manitoba last week, they have no record of it. GRRRR! I MUST HAVE a license in 6 weeks because I have to fly out of town for a conference. I need photo ID to fly. I'm so screwed if things don't fall into line in time. Send speedy government bureaucracy thoughts!

Back to my fabulous Bubbles.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii

We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.

Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)

Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.

So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}

Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!

Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.

Below is a pic of Angry Mommy on the Left and 'Mojo' aka Daddy on the right.





So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!

WHAT IN HOLY HELL!?!?!!!!

He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?

It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.

Good thing they like spaghetti.

Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}

So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:

Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?

This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.

Off to put the Little One to bed.

Nitey Nite!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

My Kingdom for a Good Nights Sleep.

I love my husband. I really do. But we should not sleep together. EVER.

Those folks in the 60's had it right with the separate twin beds....heck, separate bedrooms is even better. My folks sleep in different rooms, my In laws sleep in different rooms and they are perfectly happy well-rested individuals.

I am what one would call a fussy sleeper. Room must be completely dark, silent, gotta have my pillows and blankets and for the love of God, do not attempt to touch me when I am sleeping or I will wake up. I'm a light sleeper, the cat farts and I'm up. It takes me a good 30-60mins to fall asleep on a good night and I'm lucky if I stay sleeping for more than a few hours at a time. It's a rare and joyous occasion when I get 6 solid hours in a row.

My darling husband on the other hand is a hard sleeper. He can fall asleep anytime, anywhere, anyhow. He sleeps like the dead and nothing wakes him up. I have had to leave in the middle of the night for alarm calls at the store many times and he has not even twitched. The phone is right beside his head, he won't hear it. His alarm is not only set to the incessant beeping but the radio is set to some bizarre station and it CRANKED UP ALL THE DAMN WAY. It goes off, I pee my pants. I still have to kick him several times to get him out of bed. He also snores, snorts, talks, flops around, hogs the bed and covers and lets not forget the farting.

Can you see how this is not compatible?

I can't go sleep with Little J as his bed is too small and he sleeps just.like.daddy.
GAH!

Our next house will have an extra bedroom

And people wonder why I'm exhausted all the time. I'm hesitant to try sleeping pills because someone has to be able to wake up if something happens during the night or if Little J wakes up and needs something. There is no way Big J would wake up. He is absolutely 100% useless after he falls asleep.

I am going to try going back to bed. Sunrise is in 1.5hrs and if I can get back to sleep before then, tonight won't feel like a total loss.

must.not.smother.husband.with.pillow

Sweet Dreams!

Friday, February 20, 2009

WTH?

I seem to have lost all my posts??

ZZZzzzzz.....

Absolutely nothing note-worthy to mention today

I worked.

I slept.

I ate a sandwich.

I may have scratched myself.


Peace Out.

Family Time gone Wrong....

We went grocery shopping today. It's a family bonding experience and pretty much the only time we are all together with out a TV or computer on. Sad I know. We spend way too much time with our electronics. Little J is usually watching Teletoons, Big J is in his office on his computer and I am watching TV and on the laptop in the living room. I have been known to Facebook my husband from the living room rather than peel my arse off the couch and walk the 100ft to the office. Now that is the definition of lazy!

Ok now where was I? Oh ya, grocery shopping. So there we are, bonding over the frozen meats section having ourselves a fabulous time. We are the kind of shoppers who go up and down every aisle even if we don't need anything from it. We might miss something good if we don't. We are cruising through the pharmacy aisle on our way to deodorants when Little J suddenly shouts out "Look Mommy! Gaviscon! And Mylanta! And Pepo Bisbal for your runny bum!" "Oh Mommy can we please buy some Gaviscon, it looks so good on TV." As we pass the feminine hygiene products he spots the tampons "Mommy can we have a Happy Period?" {side note...Little J calls tampons bum stickers. I need to learn to lock the bathroom door). I was dying of embarrassment and Big J had mysteriously wandered off and left me alone with 'Rain Man'. Then in the cereal aisle... "Look! It's Oatmeal Crisp! It's good for you but you won't like it" {quoted straight from the TV commercial}. Then in the checkout line he's looking at the magazine covers and he staring at Cosmo "Oooh look at her bobbies Daddy!" Then he takes a gander at me and asks "Mommy, why don't you look like that?" Big J is biting his lip to keep from laughing, the people behind us in line are sniggering.
I am never going to bring him shopping again. I will find a different family-bonding experience in the privacy of our own home.

Later on we are eating dinner {in front of the TV} and watching the hockey game. Big J and Little J are playing a game of 'spot the ad on the boards'. So there is a Subway ad.. Little J yells out "Eat Fresh!" Again, quoting from the TV commercial.
"It's a cornucopia of goodness right Mommy?"

My kid is a TV sponge. And I am to blame.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

If I were a horse.....

....they would shoot me to put me out of my misery and use my body-parts for dog food and glue.

I am old.

I am out of shape.

This comes as a surprise to me. My denial bubble has been burst.

Up until 5 years ago, my job was pretty physical. I was constantly in motion lifting pushing, pulling etc. The job I have now is mostly mental, meaning I spend the majority of my time cruising the sales floor interacting with customers and coaching the associates. Sure there are times, like Back To School Chaos, that I am hoofing stock around but not to the degree that I am doing on the night stocking shifts.

These overnights are kicking my ass! What I am doing is getting ready for store inventory so I am organizing, down stocking, verifying quantities of all the stock on and above the shelves. {about 3 million $$ worth..} Now there is the easy way to do it...simply shift as little stock as possible, tag it and move on. But no.... me the damn perfectionist has to make it pretty. Grrrr! So there I am up and down the ladders {12foot ladders} about 1953 times, usually carrying 30lbs of boxes, moving them around etc. My body is feeling the strain.

My arms are like jello. I have a hard time gripping my coffee cup and this typing stuff is painful! My calves are cramping, my arse hurts and my knees are making alarming creaking noises with every step.

When did I become so soft and pathetic? How did I not notice it happening? Now mind you, I am not concerned enough about it to do something crazy like join a gym and start working out but jeez, am I going to be the Mom at soccer practice with a walker? Maybe one of those motorized scooters?

I need a nice young hot-looking Swedish man with slow strong hands named Sven to give me a total body massage. Any ideas on where I could find such a man? LOL!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Makeover

So this is what I do instead of going to sleep! After reading so many other blogs I realized that mine looked, well, un-professional and boring. Hey, if you can't change your life, change your blog layout. :)

I'm feeling very warm, fuzzy and spring-like. Flowers, baby bunnies n'all that shit.

Please let me know what ya'll think!

Seriously, you have no idea how long I agonized over font colours. I'm a freak.

And I did all this while my wireless connection crapped out every 90 seconds.

I deserve a brownie badge, but I'll take the chest to pin it on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

RockStar!




This is the reason I wake up every day. :)

Vampire I am

Night 2 of graveyards. I'm getting too old for this shit. Up and down ladders, rotating stock, drinking Red Bulls like water at 3am.

Feels very odd to leave for work at 9:30pm and go to sleep at 9am.


Big J and Liitle J are doing crafts, with glue.

I'm soooo glad I'm leaving for work in a few minutes.

That just means I'm scraping dried glue off the coffee table in the morning.

Glue is evil.

Calgon take me away

Things you don't want to hear while you are in the bathtub attempting to relax....

In no particular order:


Daddy! Hit me in the nuts again!

Uh-oh. Sshhh don't tell mommy.

Daddy, did you know that boogers are just crunchy snot? See? It tastes funny.

*CRASH*!!!

Daddy your feet smell like dog breath

Daddy, did Mommy like that glass thing we just broke?

Daddy, lets hide the bananas so Mommy has to put a cookie in my lunch tomorrow.

*CRASH*!!!

Daddy I think I broke my brain and it's bleeding invisible blood. See?

Honey where is the duct-tape?

Mommy is in the tub for a long time. She's gonna get all ugly and wrinkled.


..........and this is why I don't leave the 2 of them unattended :)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The chocolate is on clearance!

The best part about Valentines Day? The next day when the crazy-expensive chocolate goes on clearance! Oh happy sugar-induced coma day! I think my boss was beginning to question how many chocolate hearts really were squished by the 'falling displayer' and could not be sold. *evil grin* Now I just have to fight off the rabid chocolate bunnies until after Easter.

I have nothing of value to add today. Just a bunch of random bits and pieces that I am trying to string together.

Note to my immune system... I have had enough snot. Please stop producing more. And as far as the goop clogging my lungs goes, please no more coughing it up while I am the cashier. Customers are not impressed with a cashier gasping for breath, choking and falling to her knees while they are waiting to have their purchases rung in. One oh so considerate customer looked at me and asked "Is there someone else who can do this?". Listen Fuk-tard, I am choking to death and I am so freakin sorry that it is inconveniencing you. Seriously people, get a grip. Asking if I was ok, would have gone a long way.

Big and Little J's went to the beach again today. This time the tide was out so they went looking for crabs, shells and starfish. To say Little J is a bit of a wimp is an under-statement. Big J took video of Little J screaming and running away from a teeny tiny crab. That's my big brave boy :)


video






Big J is no longer to do any laundry other than his own. Dumb-ass put a fuzzy toilet seat cover (cream coloured) in with his and Little J's laundry. No dryer sheet either. ALL of the clothes are now covered in white fuzz that defies the laws of physics and sticks to everything.

Walked into the bathroom earlier tonight to find Little J buck neddid sitting on the heat register again. "Please leave Mommy, I don't want you to see my privates." I was told to go pee in the kitchen sink so he could be alone while he warmed up. This kid is going to have a lot of therapy in his future. Perhaps I should start a Mental Health Fund instead of Education Fund?

PS...Wow, how bad do you have to mis-spell a word that spell-check can't fingure out what it's supposed to be???

Friday, February 13, 2009

Nookie!

Dear Husband

This letter is to inform you of my intention to initiate marital relations with you on Sat Feb 14/09.

I expect the minor child to be bathed, brushed and ready for bed by 8pm.

I will be freshly washed, waxed and hopefully inebriated {remember I like white wine} by 9pm.

Please be in the Master Bedroom in the west wing by 9:05pm. If you are late I may decide to go to sleep which renders the above offer null and void.

This letter of intention will expire at 11:01pm Feb 14/09. This offer is
non-transferable or refundable.

Sincerely
~me

Crud

You know what sucks? I keep using parenthesis ( ) < > but I guess I'm using the wrong ones {something to do with html code maybe?} So when I am creating my post, it shows up, when I spell check, it shows up, but when I publish, the stuff inside the brackets is gone. Makes for some choppy posts HA HA HA HA I suck.......

Maybe I really am funnier in my head?

TGIF!

Friday the 13th. Not a bad day at all over here in my little corner of the world. I did not burn down the house, crash the car or seriously maim my child. Two points for me!

We are eating a fabulous dinner of gourmet meat and bread . Yep, I went all out for our Pre-Valentines-Day dinner. Meh, I don't care. I'm too lazy to put forth the effort to cook a romantic 4 course meal that no one but me will eat because *God Forbid* it has vegetables on it.

Big J completely surprised me today by not only buying me a card but also pre-paying for a hair-cut and colour at a hairdresser. I know! I was shocked too! This makes up for the last minute gift from the gas station that I got for Christmas.
Now I have to scramble to find something for him after work on Saturday.

What is with all these women surprising their boyfriends with um ..a wedding? Pretty ballsy of them if you ask me.....dress,cake,rings- the whole shebang, not to mention a radio station and camera crew. Talk about a shotgun wedding! What if he said "no"?

Little J gets registered for Kindergarten on Monday and I am a nervous wreck! This is where my insane worrying thing gets out of hand... I am terrified that for some reason he will not be accepted the the school in our catchment. He HAS to get in as he goes to daycare IN the school already. If he gets bumped out of catchment I'm screwed for daycare. 9 other kids from his daycare are going into K this year too.
I'm just afraid that something will be wrong with his immunization record .
I know in the rational brain that the chances are slim of something going wrong but my freaky-ass brain is all in a tizzy.

Ahh, and the phrase everyone wants to hear..."Mommy I have a messy poo, come wipe my bum!" is being bellowed from the bathroom

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Cats

Buddy, you fat,lazy furball who sleeps 23 hours a day. 4am is NOT a good time for you to freak out and run up and down the hallway yowling as loud as possible. It is also not a good time to jump on me and howl in my face. You're lucky I shut you up before you woke up Big J, or you would have a shoe stuck up your arse.

Smokey-Bear, you anti-social scaredy-cat who is afraid of his own shadow. Please stop barfing on the rug in front of my bed. I am not impressed with this gift when I step in it whith my bare feet at 6am. It's a good thing you are freakishly fast. Perhaps if you spent more time outside of my closet, you would not have these issues.

Be nice to me or I'll hide the catnip.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Um....

Should I feel insulted that my boss is following me around with a can of Clorox Disinfecting Spray? Seriously, everywhere I go, everywhere I've been, anything I've touched or may have even thought about touching has been sprayed.

And people call me weird. I should go cough on him and watch him twitch. :)

Adventures in Daycare....

Ssshhhhh! Posting from work, be very very quiet :)

This is the conversation I had this morning as I dropped Little J off at daycare.

Teacher: You have a problem
Me: (in a panic) What? What happened? How much will it cost to fix?
Teacher: J is going steady with N. It's official
Me: Huh?
Teacher: Yesterday when N's dad came to pick her up J walked up to him, stuck out his hand and introduced himself as N's boyfriend.

Holy hell on wheels Batman! The kid is 4.5 and he's going steady? He's met her parents? This is too soon. My baby boy is growing up way to fast.

I sure hope I get an invitation to the wedding. I only hope he waits until he's 48 inches tall cause then he can go on all the rides at Disney on his honeymoon.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Woof Woof

I've noticed that Dog Shows appear to be quite civilized.

There is no trash talking between handlers/dogs

No one threatens to break a competitors legs or shave their ass.

No one accuses someone else of doping.

No one throws things from the stands if their dog is eliminated

No one accuses anyone of cheating or 'throwing' the competition.

And on a side note.... for the women handlers, you know millions of people are going to see your legs...get some cool shoes!

carry on....

Not by the hair of my chinny chin-chin...

I found 2 black hairs on my chin today
I also found 3 grey hairs on my chin today


I'm going to go stick my head in the oven now..... 'nuf said.

At deaths door

Oh help me Sweet Jebus. I've had enough. I call 'Uncle'. Can I please run out of snot now? Ugh! Day 3 of having to shove kleenex up my nose when upright. I'm done!
You hear me karma? Done like dinner!!!!!

So I am thisclose to killing my husband. Or should I just call him "The Man Who Lives Here". So tonight he picks up little J from daycare and they play for about 30mins before I get home from work. He sits on the couch and surfs the internet while I cook dinner. I serve dinner. He falls asleep on the couch, this is at 6pmish. I end up bathing the kid, brushing his teeth, reading bedtime story, unloading the dishwasher, washing all the pots and pans, emptying all the garbages, cleaning the kitty litter, folding a load of laundry and making lunches. All while he sleeps on the couch for 3 hours!!! (he woke up at 9pm) And do you think the Ass-wipe even says "Gee, thanks for cleaning up, I know you're not feeling well". I'm not looking for a freakin brownie badge but sheesh, some appreciation would have been nice.

I know I should have stabbed him with the fork when I had the chance. Sometimes he's just such a... man!!!

So I've calmed down a tad, he brought me ice cream and I'm watching the Westminster Dog Show. All is well for now. I like dogs. Even though they drool and eat their own poop.

Oh.... I had a smoke today. It was strangely wonderful and sickening at the same time. I miss the act of smoking. I wonder if I just go outside every once and a while and chill for 5mins...just without a smoke?? Or am I just completely crazy??

I vote for crazy :) Crazy in a "Oh what a dear" kinda way not in a serial killer kinda way. I'm really quite harmless. (unless you're married to me)

Sick in the head

Holy Crapola! This cold is kicking my friggen arse. I simply cannot believe how much snot is streaming from my poor abused nose. I should run out of it soon right? I am such a big baby when I am sick, almost like a man in that regard. Everyone I interact with must be told how sick I am and what part of my body is annoying me the most. IE: runny nose, insane sinus cramp, bulging eyeballs, the squeaking in my head as it decompresses yada yada yada.

I am so tempted to call in sick tomorrow. I never call in sick. I go home early or am 'asked to leave before I make everyone else sick' but I do not call in. That is for the weak. LOL. I get angry when people call in sick. Not really at THEM but at the fact that they are sick and I am getting screwed over somehow. Yes, it really is all about me even when it's not.

Unfortunately, the district manager is 'visiting' tomorrow and I am Backdoor Betty (not nearly as exciting as it sounds...) Blah! Mondays suck.


I gotta give props to Big J as he kept Little J entertained and away from me all day.
Little J may not have eaten a fruit or vegetable but he did get a bath.

Little J did come into my bedroom before he and Daddy left for the car wash and he asked how I was feeling. What a sweet little boy. :) He gets that empathy thing from me not his Daddy whose heart is 2 sizes too small.

nitey nite

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Oh no he didn't.....

As I lie here on the couch, still in my jammies, glassy eyed, with kleenex shoved up my nose, Big J walks up and askes "So what are you making me for lunch?". Are you serious!? What am *I* cooking for lunch? WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS BROKEN AND A PIANO STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK ASS-WIPE??

Ahhhh, the yelling felt so good. I wish I could talk that loud in real life. I think Bonehead got the point with the laser beams of death shooting from my bloodshot eyes. He is in the kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches.. He learns quick.

ETA..holy shyte there were a lot of spelling errors in there. Gotta love Dayquil.

I am dying

Crap I hate being sick. Please cut off my head to put me out of my misery!
I'm going to attempt to lay on the couch and try not to slip into a coma.

This could be the end. I am too ill to live.

I bid thee farewell my friends.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Crazy German Lady AKA: Mom

So let me tell you about my mom. It has taken many years of therapy and copious amount of alcohol for me to figure out what makes her tick. She's not a horrible mom, I mean she didn't deliberately set out to mess me up but well, I'm certainly NOT normal. Mom is from The Old Country. Germany. Actually, she is Romanian by birth and was actually born in Transylvania. It's quite fitting. She grew up during the war and a lot of her behaviours stem from this horrible time in her life.
Now the things she does are just funny and odd.

She saves EVERYTHING! You know those styrofoam plates meat come on, yep she saves them. She has about 100 of them in the cupboard above the fridge. Hey you never know when there will be a world-wide shortage of styrofoam. And lets not get started on empty margarine dishes..... I plan on being out of the country when she and Dad decide to downgrade, either that or I take a match to the house.

Her fridge is crammed full of food. So are the 3 freezers and the huge pantry. There are jars of jelly that were canned in 1972. Guess who she brings them to? Expiry dates mean nothing. I have eaten sour cream that expired 3 months previous. I'm still alive. I have eaten questionable green meat and survived. I do not get food poisoning. I have a stomach of steel.

Her wardrobe nor her hairdo have been updated since the early 70's. And again, she feels the need to share her clothing treasures with me. Oh the flashbacks of horror I have to my teen years, always the kid with the polyester pants. I got beat up a lot for the clothes she made me wear.

Her opinion is the only one that counts. She hates the colour of my kitchen and has threatened for the last 4 years to come over while we are on vacation and repaint it. She has even gone as far as bringing painted samples over. The only thing holding her in check is the threat of my husband divorcing me. It could happen. He puts up with a lot of craziness from my family but this would put him over the edge.

She calls about once a week and I spend 30 mins repeating the same phrases over and over... "Yes Mom", "I know", "Uh-huh", "I will", "Yes I wear pantyhose when it's cold." "Yes Little J is wearing 7 layers of clothes."

She called the other night and I gave the phone to Little J to talk to Oma. 20 mins later I find him in bed,still on the phone with her, covers up over his head repeating "Yes Oma." "I know Oma."
I just about peed my pants laughing. Nice to see the family tradition continue.

The scariest thing of all...... I am turning into my mother!!! I have made a pact with all my friends and sane family members that if I go to far they call me 'Ann' and smack me upside the head. So far so good. :)

I have left Little J alone far to long by himself in the bathroom...I just hope he hasn't gotten into my mascara..that shits hard to get off.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Going to hell.....

I am on the fast track to hell my friend. My mom called tonight and asked when I was off work. (I am off this weekend) I totally um *cough* lied *cough* that I worked all weekend. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I am in no mood to deal with Crazy German Lady.

Oh the tangled webs we weave......

My Boys




Little J in his new ball hockey gear. The boys love to get dressed up in their gear and beat the crap out of each other. I'll never understand testosterone.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hard Lessons Learned

So I lost my drivers license on the weekend. Stupid yes I know. This means a trip to the dreaded Driver Services Building. This is the place where people go in and never come out.
The closest one to me is pretty damn big and busy busy busy. You walk in, get frisked, give blood (well ok, not that) get a number and sit down to wait an eternity. Now these numbers appear to be random computer generated tickets. There are 15 wickets. There are large lcd screens hanging from the ceiling that display the current numbers being served at what window. Every so often it 'bings' and a new number and window are displayed. I never felt so insignifigant in my life. I could have dropped dead and no one would have noticed. A smart person would have pried the ticket from my cold dead hands and used it. LOL!!

So after 78 minutes (yes I timed it) my number comes up and I head up to my wicket.
Explain what happened and provide my certified copy of my birth certificate. This is where it gets fun kids....

1.Apparently because my certified photocopy is not from a bank but a credit union, it is not valid. I do not have an original. I must order one from Manitoba. $50

2. I have been married/divorced/re-married. They need to have a paper trail of all my names. I need to have the original documents for these occasions. I only have the second marriage license. I have to order the first marriage certificate and divorce decree from vital statistics $100 for both.

It doesn't freakin matter that I have a copy of my birth certificate, my social insurance card in my maiden name, a credit card and medical card in my previous married name and a credit card, medical card etc in my current maiden name.

OH MY BLOODY GOD!! WHY IS THIS SO DAMN FREAKIN DIFFICULT!?!?!?!?

Me losing my license is going to cost me about $200. Wonderful just freakin wonderful.

Adventures in Hair Colour

I think I have medium blonde hair. I have been colouring my hair for 20 years and I honestly don't know what it looks like 'au natural'. Isn't that sad?? For the last 6 years I used the same colour each and every time, a very nice buttery blonde. Well, they dicountinued that shade and left me adrift in a sea of choices. Added to my problem, every since I popped out the kid, my hair has had a mind of it's own and does what it damn well please. So the colour on the box is not usually what ends up on my head.

I temporarily lost my mind and decided to go from platinum blonde to um well, dark auburn.
First time turned out rather well. All nice even colour, no one ran screaming at the sight of me.
I felt brave and opted to go a little 'funky' and get a burgandy hued colour. Well... the roots and about the first 3 inches of my hair looked fabulous but the rest of it...oh crap! The previously coloured hair sucked up every last bit of dye and it damn near black. I am 2 toned and not in a good way. I cannot fix it and am afraid to try. It's not washing out well either. I refuse to pay someone $$$ to fix me so here I am, the object of snickers and giggles wherever I go (I'm sure no is actually point and laughing but whatever)

I think I should just get my hair cut super super short, let the colour grow out and see what I actually look like 'real'.

Oh the horror! Clairol help me!!!

Ssshh Listen, whats that sound?

It's the sweet sound of silence. Big J and Little J have gone ice skating which leaves me, in the house, ALONE! I'm not even sure what to do with myself. Take a bath? Read a book? Run around nekkid? Clean something?
Oh the decisions. What I really want to do is go to bed but it is only 6:30pm and besides, it's must see TV tonight..... Bones, Greys Anatomy and Private Practice. Thankfully CSI is a re-run tonight so there is no scheduling conflict. I really need to get me one of thise PVR's or something to avoid these dire situations. Yes, I am a TV addict. And no, I'm not ready for help.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Ground Hog Day

That freaky little rodent better not see his shadow tomorrow... I can't handle 6 more weeks of winter! Waaaaaaah!!!!

Is it over yet?

Yikes today sucked so bad I can't bring myself to relive it again to write about it! So we will pretend it never happened. Denial is a wonderful way to live n'est pas?

Monster truck last night was a lot of fun. Little J did pretty good but he did start getting pretty squirrely near the end. 3 hours is a long time for a kid to sit still. My ears are still ringing and I'm still picking cotton candy out of Little J's hair. Would you believe we paid $25 to park!?!?!?!
For that price I expect the car washed and waxed when I get back. Holy Shyte.

Alrighty then, off to watch Extreme Home Makeover for my weekly cry.

ETA.. what is up with the spell check?? Gee thanks for highlighting the words I spell wrong but you don't give me the correct spelling? WTH?