Friday, November 20, 2009


Now that the almost crisis with the growth on my neck has been averted..{turns out it was just a 2 day sore throat and probably a swollen gland and still no flu...} I can turn my attention to other obsessions.

My current fixation is BOOBIES. Yes, I realize that's a weird obsession to have as a woman but I can't help it. I think it stems from jealousy. See, I don't have boobies. Really I don't. If I am not wearing a bra...there are no bumpies under my tshirt. nothing. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

The one and only time I had a half decent rack was when I was breast feeding. I think I was a solid A cup. Unfortunately, the boobies could not be looked at or touched at this point in time or they would immediately start shooting out milk. If Little J so much as whimpered my milk would let down and I'd be sporting giant wet spots on my shirt. This only lasted about 2 months and then the booby milk factory shut down, packed up and headed out of town leaving me with um....nothing

Boobies amuse me. Even the word 'booby' makes me giggle like a naughty school boy looking at the underwear ads in the flyers. I check out other women's cleavage all the time. I'm not creepy about it, just a tad jealous that I can't wear strapless tops and if I drop food down my top it only stops when it hits my waist. Is it so wrong to want bouncy, jiggly boobies. I want to live my life like the slow motion beach running scenes from Baywatch. I want something to squeeze.

I'm not vain or rich enough to go under the knife and get implants and knowing my luck, mine would shift and slide down to my belly button or squawk at high altitude.

So I guess for now I'll just wear the water bras and heavy sweaters and yearn for the day the Bobby Fairy comes to visit.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I have a tumour.......

No, seriously I do. The side of my neck is swollen and it hurts to swallow. The alternative {flu} is nore horrible to contemplate.

Trust me..... I'd rather have a tumour than catch the flu.

Damn germs. Apparently the hourly dosing of hand sanitizer and the avoiding of all personal conduct {including *cough* marital relations *cough*} has not done me any good. I suppose this means I can go back to licking random people??

Maybe it's just a giant pimple gone astray??

Anything but the flu........

Friday, November 13, 2009

Freud would love this....

My child watches too much TV. Or rather, too much inappropriate TV. I figured he was too young to get some the more adult content of some of the shows I watch after 8pm. I was wrong.

Today I am sitting on the couch minding my own business when up comes demon child with a twinkle in his eye. I know I'm getting buttered up for something, most likely for more Halloween candy or a pair of scissors.

He climbs on my lap, gently places his hands on either side of my face, tells me I'm pretty, proceeds to push me down on the couch and give me a loooong kiss on the lips while licking my face. Stunned, I sit up and ask him what the heck he was doing.

demon child: "Mommy I love you and this is how you kiss people you love"

me: " do you figure that?" trying to think of where he has seen kissing like that before cause his father sure doesn't kiss me like that in front of the kid

demon child: "I saw it on TV Mommy, they loved each other."

me: "Oh sweetie, that's 2 grown ups! You can't kiss your Mommy like that, I'll get arrested!"

demon child: "What's arrested?"

me: "Nevermind,I'll show you how you can kiss Mommy"

So I proceed to demonstrate an appropriate kiss, with ones lips closed and on the cheek.

After practicing a few, he nods in satisfaction and asks "So now that you've had so many kisses Mommy can I have an Oreo cookie and stay up for another 5mins?" while batting his big blue eyes.

I should start putting away money now for his future therapy.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Life and death.

Remembrance Day is on Wednesday and I have spent the last week or so trying to explain what it is and it's significance to Little J in terms that a 5year old can grasp. I didn't want to freak him out too much by talking about war and death in detail so I tried to gloss things over and be somewhat vague and general.
I'm going to take him to one of the ceremonies so he can see what I've been talking about.
I talked about how the brave men and women fought wars and lots died so that we could live in the free country that we do. He now thinks they fought for the right to watch Johnny Test on Sat morning.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about the poppy I wear and took him to buy one. He proceeded to poke me with it and lose it before we even got to the car.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about how Mommy's grandpa and uncle died in the war and Daddy's grandpa was wounded and sent back home. Little J looks at me in all seriousness and asks "If Daddy dies in a war, will we get a new Daddy? need to get a baby before that happens. We need to put one in your stomach. How do babies get there Mommy?" Now that was a pretty loaded set of questions and somehow I managed to avoid answering any of them by shouting "Oh look at the rainbow over there!" in a happy sing-songy voice while frantically gesticulating out the window. {Did I mention I was driving at the time?}
Somewhere I have failed.

Please take a minute to stop and remember those who served and died and the families who were left behind, at 11am Nov 11th.

Lest We Forget.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Take 2 Tuesdays

I have decreed that henceforth Tuesdays will be a recycle day. I am too lazy-er-busy to write a post so I shall breathe new life into a post done long long ago when I had no 'people'. Do I still have 'people'? I dunno. It's been so long....

Anyways, I digress....

This was originally posted in February.


Monday, February 23, 2009
Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii

We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.

Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)

Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.

So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}

Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!

Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.

So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!


He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?

It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.

Good thing they like spaghetti.

Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}

So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:

Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?

This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.

Off to put the Little One to bed.

Nitey Nite!