Thursday, July 2, 2009

Family Time

For some reason I really have nothing of value to say today. This almost never happens.

I'm just killing time until I go to work. Sitting out back, watering the flower beds and watching the dog bring me treats. She's living up to the 'retriever' part of her heritage. So far she has brought me:

3 pine cones
1 piece of particle board
1 unidentifiable lump of something organic
2 different gardening gloves
4 sticks
1 plastic bucket
2 balls
1 snout full of dirt that I'm sure she dug out of the garden

She's now happily noshing on a 2by4. I think we are past the explosive pooping stage. Of course she stopped right after the $200 vet visit. Grrrr! So while I'm not cleaning up after HER poo, my child has picked up the reins and is continuing the um, family tradition.

We went for a lovely walk in a local park last night {it's a protected Bog} and we're seriously off trail in the middle of nowhere when Little J announces that he has to pee. Well, we are in nature so find a good 'pee bush' and have at er kid!
Suddenly he looks up at me and says "Oh Mommy I have to poo!" Before I could even say "Can you wait till we get home", green poo is shooting from my kids arse.

Oh my good Lord! We just stood there stunned while my poor child shat all over himself and his underwear/shorts. After a moment of shocked silence I looked at Ass-hat and burst into laughter. What else could I do? We were in the woods, no wipes, no supplies, nothin. So there I am, trying to wipe runny crap off my kid with leaves without making more of a mess. I used one of the doggie poop baggies to hold his soiled clothes and tried to figure out how to get a half nekkid, poo covered child back to the truck without further incident. Thank goodness I was smart enough to have put a jacket on Little J so I wrapped that around his waist and off we went.

Did I mention the awesome dry-heaving that occurred during the clean-up process? I somehow managed NOT to puke, but it took every fiber of my being. I too, was covered in green goo and no amount of leaves, twigs and berries was gonna get me cleaned off.
Ass-hat was of no help at all. He was quote "Busy holding the dog". Glad to know I can count on him in a time of crisis. He threatened to not let us in the truck. I threatened to smear the baggie of clothes all over his dashboard. :)

I made the poor kid stand outside while I ran a quick bath and then picked him up straight armed and plopped him in the tub still somewhat clothed and wearing his crocs. A major hosing off amidst loud screaming followed.

Now that my friends, was the perfect example of non-quality family time.

Huh, so I guess I did have something to say after all

Below are some pics of our 'fabulous' time in the Bog. I thought about posting a pic of the 'exploding bum' incident {cause yes, I took pictures!} but really, no one needs to see that. :)


  1. Is it wrong that I laughed at you "dry heaving" through the clean up? I'm so sorry for your woodsy adventure. I would hve been gagging right along with you.

  2. Ohh that sounds like fun, where do I sign up? LoL. It's just like a man to be completely helpless.

    PS Thanks for visiting my blog.

  3. Oh my god... I once again just love the "Ass-hat" label. And the shit story topped that. Oh yeah, and dry heaving???

    Thanks for the holiday weekend laugh!! Now I'm actually glad I have a little time with no kids. Thanks for pushing me back into reality.

  4. Glad ya'll found it amusing. :)

    I'm tired of dealing with poo. Cat poo. Dog poo. Kid poo. Husband poo. {only in that he stinks up my house, I haven't had to clean up after him yet} Customer poo. Bird poo {on my clean car}

    I seem to attract poo. It likes me. :)

  5. The "dry heaving" part cracked me up.... poor little guy. And "busy holding the dog" is such a man for you.

    The whole family time concept sounded good! :)

    Your dog looks a lot like mine. Our is a lab. They calm down eventually!! I promise.