Friday, March 20, 2009

Free to a Good Home!

The following items are available. They are 'AS IS' and there is a NO RETURN policy.

Any mis-representation is accidental and is not grounds for returns/lawsuits.

First come, first served. Hurry they will go fast! {I hope}

Item 1: Husband.

Husband is quite handy around the house and can build stuff. {no electrical work please}. He has been housebroken, does his own laundry and loads the dishwasher correctly. Husband is gone from May to October for fishing season. Bad habits include
excessive snoring, stinky feet and he thinks farting is funny. Husband does not talk to strangers.

Item 2: Child

Child is a very sweet and polite young man. He says 'please' and 'thank-you' as he's stealing cookies from the jar. Child can amuse himself for hours with a stick and ball of twine. Child is inquisitive and WILL ask a thousand questions. Child refuses to eat vegetables and can throw the most impressive tantrums. This child is a master manipulator and you will find yourself giving in to his latest Bakugan request. Child suffers from stinky feet {see husband, it's genetic} and thinks farting is funny. When the mood strikes, Child can be a cuddle-bunny. Child will apologize if he barfs all over you. Child will talk to strangers.

Item 3: Big Kitty

Big Kitty is a big lump of furry fun. Big Kitty sleeps approx. 23hrs a day. He is quite tempermental and will either smother you in purring happiness or bite you if feeling cranky. We do not recommend using this kitty for rodent control as he will just sit there and watch the action. Big Kitty must drink out of the bathtub. Big Kitty will try to sleep on your head and he gets beat up a lot by Freaky Kitty. Big Kitty enjoys running through the house howling his damn head off at 4am.

Item 4: Freaky Kitty

Freaky Kitty is the cat you'll never know is there. Freaky Kitty spends most of his time hanging out in the closet. He is very clean and will flip out if you touch him after he has finished his excessive grooming ritual. Freaky Kitty insists on eating people food and will steal anything left un-attended on your plate. He must also have a splash of milk whenever the fridge is opened. Has the un-canny ability to determine if the can on the counter is tuna or soup before you even open it. He will become violent if picked up and cuddled. Does not play well with others.

Item 5: Random Raccoon

This fun, furry guy lives in Husband's hockey bag out in the shed. He is quite tame and has no problems coming up on the deck to tease the Kitties. He enjoys tearing open garbage bags and eating the kitty litter {gross I know}. He does keep our yard free of rodent-type populations. Not afraid of humans as he keeps coming back even after having the garden hose turned on him. Persistant.

I am willing to pay shipping/handling fees for the right offer. I can have any item over-nighted express post. Overseas may take a few days.

Please reply if interested!

~~~~~~~~~I am willing to trade the above items as a package deal for a dog~~~~~~~~~~~


  1. Freaky Kitty looks just like out kitty.
    Sorry I cant take you up on any of your offers....I already have my hands full but good luck!

  2. You lost me at "farting is funny". :D Besides...stinky feet and snoring are already too excessive around here from 2 out of 3 of my men. Good luck. :)

  3. Hysterical!! Sadly, I already have a snoring, farting, stranger-averse husband. Although mine doesn't understand the correct way to load the dishwasher (grrr). We also have Bad Kitty and Crazy Kitty, both of whose primary goal in life is to make sure I don't get a full night's sleep. EVER.

  4. I think all men and boys think farting is's soooooooo nasty!!!!

  5. No thanks... but I will trade houses with you seeing as you live so close to Chad Kroeger. we can trade anytime you like after April-as that is when the tour takes a break for a bit.

    You must take your husband, child and cats with you... but you can leave the racoon.

  6. I think I'm feeling more blessed after reading your post. NO DEAL I say! I'm good with my own smaller problems! lol