Dear Cats

Buddy, you fat,lazy furball who sleeps 23 hours a day. 4am is NOT a good time for you to freak out and run up and down the hallway yowling as loud as possible. It is also not a good time to jump on me and howl in my face. You're lucky I shut you up before you woke up Big J, or you would have a shoe stuck up your arse.

Smokey-Bear, you anti-social scaredy-cat who is afraid of his own shadow. Please stop barfing on the rug in front of my bed. I am not impressed with this gift when I step in it whith my bare feet at 6am. It's a good thing you are freakishly fast. Perhaps if you spent more time outside of my closet, you would not have these issues.

Be nice to me or I'll hide the catnip.