Monday, June 8, 2009

Random thoughts from Schmoochie's brain

It's Monday morning, Little J is at daycare and I don't work until 2pm. Why am I not napping?

Why does the Fat Kitty AKA Fatty McButter Pants insist on sleeping on my head lately? If I dare attempt to move him ie: shove him forcibly off the pillow, I get thwacked across the nose?

Why does it take my kid an HOUR to eat his damn oatmeal?

Why is it that the kid can't tell time but can look up in the sky, squint at the sun and announce "Bakugan is on, we have to go home". And damn if he isn't right?

Why does my dog eat shingle bits she digs up in the yard instead of chewing on the plethora of expensive doggy toys I have mortgaged the house for?

Why do I not notice my eyebrows becoming Sasquatch-like until I'm getting ready to out to a party? It's not like they sprout overnight...

Why is it that my kid can repeat the entire dialogue of 17 different commercials but can't remember his last name?

Why is my cable guy not hot? Can't he pull up his pants before climbing under my computer desk to check the modem? SAY NO TO CRACK!

Why is it that my weeds grow better than my plants/flowers. I pretend to garden but really, all the neighbours know it's my Mom who does the real work.

Why is it that I get company at the door when the house looks like ass and I am in my housecoat? No one visits when the house is clean and I look good.

Why am I so awkward with the other Moms at kids' bday parties? Our kids are friends and I'll be seeing these women for the next 7 years.

Why is it that my kid has decided no girls at his b-day party but I'm allowed because I live here? Serious meltdown when I told him that girls are coming. He loves girls, I don't get it.

Why does my house stay clean for all of 2.4 seconds and then someone moves?

Why does Ass Hat sweat so much when he's sleeping? GAG! Separate beds may save this marriage during the summer months.

Why can't Ass Hat remember to open the blinds in the morning and close them at dark. It's pretty simple yet I come home from work at midnight to find lights blazing and blinds open for all the thieving little bastards to see how big our TV is. On the other hand, I come home from work at 3pm to find the house shut up tighter than King Tut's tomb.

Again, why is it that I'm not napping?


Why is it that the mornings I can sneak a nap in someone in the neighbourhood decides to use heavy machinery.

Why is it that the nights I MUST sleep or get up early I can't sleep? My hips hurt, the cats and dogs fight all night, sweaty Ass Hat is all over the bed and I can't turn my brain off?

Why is it that I spend 3 hours power washing and cleaning the deck and the dog makes a mess within the hour? She can shred an empty Pepsi box in 2mins flat.

Why is my family always at least an hour late for everything? I swear my mother will be late for her own funeral.

Why did Ass Hat spend $72 on a dog bed when she sleeps under the kitchen table anyways?

Why does the dog LIKE the No-Chew spray I got to stop her from eating my baseboards?

Why does the dog have to pee on the ball before she brings it back when I play 'fetch' with her. EEEWWWWW!

Why is cat and dog hair lint-brush-resistant?

Why can't my kid pee IN the toilet bowl and not AROUND it?

Why do I have 14 pairs of black work socks all with a hole in the left heel?

Why is it that my kid remembers words like 'metamorphosis','cornucopia','chrysalis','buttocks' and what they mean but can't remember where he left his shoes? {yes, I had to spell-check all of those}

Why do birds shit on my car right after I wash it? In the middle of the windshield so that it smears all over when you turn the wipers on.

Ah screw it, my brain is empty. I'm having a nap!!!


  1. Sounds like you're having my kind of day....So many freakin questions and not a darn thing you can do about them!! :)

    It's funny about the blind husband can open them, just won't close them when it gets dark.

  2. This post was hilarious and truly reminds me of my life! I CAN tell you that separate beds HAS saved my marriage...I am disturbed by a pin dropping and my hubby snores like heavy machinery. I also get the famous pet fights all night long. I have to put out a can of cat food every night just to lure my one retarded, scared of her shadow cat out of my room and then slam the door shut to get some piece...and then every time I get up to nurse I have to open and close my bedroom door like a stealth commando...

  3. Oh you made me LOL with that one! I love that your son knows the tv schedule by the sun's position!

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog--sorry I've been slacking off lately...

  4. Housecoat?! Seriously, are you 80????

    Just kidding. I haven't heard that term in forever. Funny stuff.

  5. LOL I have asked myself so many of these questions....not so much the AssHat ones. LOL
    Why can't I stop laughing at this post?

  6. I can relate!

    And, you are 39, too? So, any plans for the big 4-0??

  7. I can totally agree with pretty much all of those. I hope you got a nap!

  8. You crack me up!!!

    My boyfriends sweats like a pig and refuses to allow me to open the window for some fresh air because then he feels cold...ummm okay! lol.

    Oh Bakugan...the joys of boys!