Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dear Family Part Deux

Open letter to all living creatures residing in my household.

Dear Ass-hat: I understand that this is nasty allergy season for you and I feel bad for you , I really do. However, after 5 nights of not sleeping because you are wheezing, coughing, choking and snoring like a freight train gone wrong, my severely sleep deprived mind is plotting to bring a shiv to bed and slide it between your ribs tonight. If you loved me even a tiny bit, you would gallantly offer to sleep on the couch so at least one of us is rested. Two tired, cranky and bitchy adults in the house is not safe for anyone. For the love of all that is holy, be a man, suck it up and take some freakin medicine. I don't care that it makes you feel 'dopey' all day. I have enough sleep issues without you adding to the mix.

Dear Child: Please stop begging and crying to go out and play with the dog after I tell you "No, she's too hyper, you'll get hurt". Throwing your 5 year old self onto the floor and convulsing is not the best way to convince me to listen to you. It makes me want to video it so I can show it to your girlfriends when you're 16. And when you do sneak out to play with the dog and she bowls you over and tries to eat you, don't scream loud enough for the neighbours to hear. I told you so.

Dear Dog: Please calm down. I get that you're still a puppy but you're 45 freakin pounds! Stop trying to eat the boy. He is NOT a squeeky toy. He may sound like one but I promise you, he's not. Please stop peeing the second I touch you when I get home. I've been gone for 10mins, what is so damn exciting about me coming back? Please stop mauling me on my way out the door to work. My uniform is black. You are blonde and shedding like a mo-fo. Your hair is strangely lint-brush resistant.

Dear Fat Kitty. Stop sleeping on my head! I do not enjoy rolling over in the middle of the night only to be suffocated by 20lbs of fur. Sleep on Ass-hats pillow. Thank you for continuing to pee on Ass hats laundry pile. It makes me happy in a vindictive sort of way. Don't worry, I'll protect you. :)

Dear Freaky Kitty: See note above about peeing only on Ass-hats laundry. Same goes for barfing. No barfing on my pj's. Stop trying to escape when the door is open for the dog. You have no idea what it's like in the Outdoor Woods. I expect that from the fat one, not you. You will freak out and your heart will explode if you make it off the deck.

To All: Why can't you keep the house clean for longer than 10mins? I swear it's clean when I leave for work every day and when I get home it looks like a hurricane went through. I know you eat nothing but fast food the nights I am not home for dinner so how do you explain the piles of dishes on the counter? Did I miss a party?
Did you forget where the 4 laundry baskets are? Is the closet door too hard to open to put your shoes away? Did you really play with every single toy in the house? How come the kid ate 8 granola bars but the grapes and carrots are un-touched? 8 FREAKIN GRANOLA BARS!!!! Now I have to go back to the store because those were for snacks after ball hockey...did you forget that we are snack parents tomorrow? How hard is it to pick up the phone and call me at work to ask me to pick up milk on the way home? Did you think I wouldn't notice the empty jug in the fridge when I made my tea this morning {without milk!} If you use the last of the toilet paper, get a new roll. I do not like drip-drying at 4am. Next time I'll use your bath towel. {which is on the floor anyways}

Ya'll may want to shape up because one day Mommy won't come home from work. I'll run off and live by myself in a cabin in the woods and leave you to fend for yourselves.

Good luck with that eh?


  1. OH MY!! I was reading this and laughing my ass off.

    Let the kiddo out and let him and the dog go at it. I no longer ref between the two and my kid is not quite two. We have a lab who weighs in at 110 lbs.

    AND THE HUBS WITH ALLERGY ISSUES!! I so feel your pain. My husband will get up during the night and blow his nose.... you would think the freaking house is coming down. I politely asked for him to go to the bathroom and shut the door.....for first gazillion times. Now, I'm slightly bitchy about it.

    Don't ahve any I can't relate on that one.

    Thanks for a good laugh though. :)

  2. That is too freakin' funny! I've often wanted to my hubby the same dang thing when he gets sick!

  3. And that was supposed to say TO TELL MY HUBBY

  4. I tell mine if they don't stop X that I'm going to get in the car and I'm not sure when I'll come back. That usually straightens them up for five minutes.

  5. Ohhhhhhh a cabin in the woods...all by myself??? That sounds like heaven!