Sunday, May 31, 2009

Lets talk about sex.

Howz that for a catchy title. Got your attention didn't it. I hate to disappoint you but today's post will NOT be about sex. {at least it won't start out that way, I make no guarantees}

But since you're here anyways, why don't you stay and read the post. It will make me feel good. And that is what is important here.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter S. Specifically SUNSCREEN.

Yes folks, the sun is out and summer has started and that means another season of searching for 'The Perfect Sunscreen'.

Back in my days as a child/teenager, sunscreen was not widely used except by my mother. Us kids would spend all day running around outside and come in for dinner a nice golden brown. As a teenager we'd hit the beach with baby oil and iodine and bake ourselves for a full 8 hours, coming home slightly reddish and smelling like a cooked ham. Now? I walk outside for 5 mins and get fried to a crisp. My poor boy has inherited my ghastly pale white skin. I'm not opposed to him getting a bit of colour but there is no need for him to come home from daycare looking like someone from Out of Africa.

So there I stand in front of the 16 foot sunscreen section at the local drugstore with several other equally confused women. The selection is intimidating to say the least. Lotion? Spray lotion? Clear spray? Waterproof? SPF 30? 45? and new this year, SPF 60. Prices range from $9.99 to an astronomical $36.99. What makes one brand better than another? I also made the mistake of reading up on sunscreen on the internets and was surprised to see all the 'cancer causing' additives and chemicals in the ingredients. Why would I spray my kid with something that may cause cancer and infertility when I am trying to protect him from skin cancer? It blows my mind. But I digress.......

Once the ideal SPF and delivery method are selected, comes the all important smell test. Who wants to run around smelling like a giant pina colada gone wrong or worse, a chemical plant engineer.{no offence to any chemical plant people who may be reading this, I just don't want to smell like fertilizer.} So there we are, half a dozen women spraying and sniffing, asking each other "How does this one smell?" The aisle was a haze of sprayed sunscreen and arms were used as visual texture testers.

Throw a fussy child into the mix, "No Mommy it's too cold" "No Mommy it's too greasy and feels funny" "No Mommy it smells like feet" "No Mommy it tastes funny!" "Mommy my eyes are burning!", and it makes for quite the conundrum.

So I select a clear spray for arms and legs in a water-proof SPF 60 {you can't be too careful now} and a rub-in lotion in SPF 45 for babies to put on my darlings face. He will have a brimmed hat stapled to his head all summer so I figured I could lower the SPF. Both passed the smell test and appear to be safe enough.

Now I have to get up 10mins earlier in the morning to administer said sunscreen. One would think it would be a simple process.

1. Stand up nekkid child
2. Instruct child to close eyes and hold breath
3. Circle child while spraying in an up and down motion
4. Allow child to dry before dressing.
5. Repeat after heavy exercise or swimming.

In reality?

1. Cover furniture to avoid over spray
2. Move to a place far away from food
3. Close all windows so neighbours won't hear the screaming and call CPS
4. Hold protesting child immobile on the floor with one knee
5. Spray screaming child with one hand while turning child with other
6. Chase escaping greased piglet-er-child around the house to finish spraying front.
7. Trap child's head between your legs to apply face lotion.
8. Get more lotion between ones own fingers than on child face
9. Carefully apply to cheeks, nose and around eyes while child is flailing like a trout.
10. Say "screw it" and put child in long sleeved shirt and long pants.
11. Keep child inside until sundown.

Isn't summer fun?


  1. OMG did you ever bring back memories...I still have to lotion my kid up but at 8 he gives me alot less battles lol.

  2. too funny and so darn true.

  3. I am right there with you! My children hate when I put on's non-negotiable but it's ridiculous what I have to go through to make sure they are protected!

  4. I was just laughing the other day about how lackadaisical we used to be about sunscreen. I remember when they came out with SPF 15 and I thought, pfft, who would use that?!

  5. Sorry I found this sooo funny. Sorry he is not a fan of the process. If I think of a tip I will come back and share.

    Kid never fussed. But I feel it is a waste sometimes. I can use the highest SPF and he comes back in browner than a biscuit.

    Good Luck!!

  6. Damn it. I came only for the sex story.