Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Family

Dear Child: Please stop peeing beside the toilet. I will make you sit down like a girl if you don't learn to aim. Mama is tired of cleaning the bathroom twice a day.
Please stop booby-trapping your bedroom. When I come in during the night to cover you up, I trip over the multitude of matchbox cars littering the floor. They were not there when you went to bed. Chasing me around the house with a giant booger stuck to your finger is not my idea of a good time. Do it to your father.

Dear Fat Kitty: While it amuses me to no end that you choose to pee on Ass-Hat's laundry pile, please don't do it when I am not home all day and it has time to really start to stink. What the hell are you eating that your pee smells like black death? Stop howling to go outside. Yes, I realize that it is so unfair that the dog gets to go outside yet you have to stay in. Do I need to remind you of the skunk incident?

Dear Freaky Kitty: Learn to tolerate the dog. She's not leaving no matter how long you sit at the gate and taunt her. One day she will escape and you will be sorry. I will not hide you. Standing on my head and biting my ears will not encourage me to get up and feed you at 3am. It will however get you tossed across the room. Do it again and I will lock you in the kitchen with the dog.

Dear Dog: Stop peeing on the kitchen floor when I come home. Can't you wait 15 more seconds for me to get the outside door open? Stop chewing my shoes and eating my baseboards. I have spent a small fortune on chewy/squeaky toys for you...USE THEM!
3AM is not the best time to want to play. I am not going outside in the pouring rain to chase you down and bring you back in from a potty trip. Ask Fat Kitty what happens to pets who stay outside overnight..hint: it involves a skunk. You won't like it.

Dear Ass-hat: Thank you for the flowers but they no-where near even us up. You owe me big time for leaving for a week to go fishing. I curse you every time I have to deal with the unruly creatures who inhabit this house. I should have stayed single. No that does not mean you get to leave on another trip. Nice try.....

Mama is going to have a hot bath and a few glasses of wine, do not attempt to open the bathroom door for any reason. If you are on fire or have lost a limb, please turn around, find the phone and call 911. Mama is clocking out.


  1. Oh, I don't even have kids yet and I completely relate. Today, I threw plastic hangers and flashlights on the front lawn until they broke. lol. No one was around and I get to do this in the country where no one can wonder if I am crazy. Right now, my frustration is more towards our 8 cats, 26 chickens and the dear hubby that keeps inviting people over while I am in my third trimester and unable to entertain people.

    Ah well, it all passes and we go back to being supermommas. In the meantime, go enjoy that bath and glass of wine.

  2. beautiful.
    Just Beautiful.
    I can relate except for most of the time I'M the asshat.

  3. I think you need to go away on a trip now....that may even things up.

  4. You deserve a weeklong bath. Seriously. I'm feeling pretty spiteful towards my cats right now. And my husband. Grrr.

  5. YOU SERIOUSLY CRACK ME UP! I'm so sorry for all the pee-pee business. I hope it gets better. Drink something for me. I'm sober!

  6. Next time asshat goes away make sure he takes the animals...and the child

  7. This gets my vote for most perfect post ever. You're hysterical!!!

  8. LMFAO! schmoochiepoo, i'm sorry your life is so dang hectic sometimes (all the time?) but i'm glad you can share your hilariously sardonic reactions to it with the blogosphere and "clock out" for some nice wine and bath time before going completely insane. that's always a good sign. ;)