Thursday, May 7, 2009

All is right with the world again

Ass-hat has returned home!

And yes, for those who requested, he shall henceforth be referred to as 'Ass-hat'.

He came home early because he was tired and stinky. Or so he says. I would like to think it was my 'Angry Mommy' voicemail that I left at 2:30am Tuesday morning threatening divorce, death and dismemberment {not necessarily in that order} if he did not return home post-haste.

He did stink sky-high but put on his tech-support hat and went to work fixing my laptop and getting me back on the Internet wirelessly. I think he may have been afraid of the crazed look in my eyes. He was right be be afraid.

I got a full nights sleep, my headache is gone and I no longer want to sell my family on Craigslist. I have happy thoughts again and they are not the result of alcohol consumption or illegal narcotics.

I even got my pictures uploaded so I can show off my new niece!

Little J and Auntie Schmoochie with Ava

Baby Ava

4 generations of the Schmoochie Family... me, Little J, my brother, mom, grandmother and of course....Ava :)

My kitchen still smells like a vet's office. I bought some enzyme odour cleaner and am letting it soak into the grout. I fear we may have to re-do the grout and seal it.
Bloody hell. I also bought some bitter pray stuff to discourage her chewing on my baseboards etc...damn dog LIKES it! Starts to chew and comes back for more. WTF??

Speaking of the Mighty Pee Machine... today is her 3 month birthday! She has no idea how lucky she is to have survived this long with her behaviour lately. {I'd never actually hurt the dog..don't be calling PETA on me now...}

May 05, 3 months old

March 21, 7 weeks old

She's going to be a big girl. She better get leash trained soon or I will get dragged down the street on my ass. The neighbours already laugh as they see me 'walking' {I use term loosely} the dog and trying to corral the kid on his bike. All 3 of us heading in different directions, my head on a swivel a la Poltergeist trying to figure out where everyone is. Little J drives into the leash, Tahoe jumps up on kid, mommy gets dragged to the ground locked onto the leash. Great fun is had by all. By the end of our pleasant sojourn down the street I am randomly yelling at both the kid and the dog.. STOP! HEEL! SLOW DOWN! NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING! DON'T EAT THAT! BAD DOG! GOOD GIRL! BAD BOY! GOOD BOY!
They become inter-changeable like Lego. It doesn't matter much as neither of them listens to me.

If I sound a tad distracted during this post it's because the Canucks are playing game 3 vs the Blackhawks. I love this time of year..Hockey hockey and more damn hockey. A few Sundays ago I spent 9.5hrs watching hockey. And I liked it.If the Canucks score I have to remember the Lappy on my lap before I jump up cheering and screaming. We have our Canucks gear on and Tahoe is happily chewing on her Canucks towel. I would put a car flag on the Zoom Zoom but last time I did 2 years ago, some dumb-fuck kids tried to steal it and broke my damn window. $300 for me to fix the broken window. Bastards. We will settle for waving flags in the house.

I completely forgot it was Mothers Day this Sunday until Little J asked "Mommy, do I have to be extra nice to you on Mothers Day?" Nice kid huh.... I told him that Mommy would like to go to the Planetarium for Mothers Day and now I'm the coolest again. :) Really, I do want to go to the Planetarium- it's da bomb! And maybe Ass-hat and I can make out in the dark like the good ole days.

I miss the good ole days.....when you made out every chance you got in every place possible. When you would arrive at a party and head to the bathroom for 10mins first, steaming up the car windows, anchoring the boat in the middle of the lake and to hell with the mosquitoes, while the washer was draining, waiting for dinner to finish cooking, well you get the point. Now? Sheesh..the moon needs to be full, the wind right, the kid asleep, not too late in the evening, my legs shaved, not too hot and not too cold, no headache, nothing kinky that will throw out my back and no more than twice a week. Man I hate getting old and boring. Am I the only one?

Yesterday Little J asked me what it was like to be a girl. I answered "It's good because I get to be your Mommy" to which he replied "No Mommy I meant when you have your happy period". Damn this kid watches too much TV.

Little J also asked "Where do babies come from?" after seeing his new cousin. I told him that when a mommy and daddy love each other very much a baby grows in the mommy's tummy. {a cop-out I know but I was not ready for the whole Daddy's penis and Mommy's vagina explanation} So anyways he then asks "How does the baby get there?"
Thinking fast I replied "God puts it there". Seemed to satisfy him until today when he asked "Will God find another baby under a bush for us?" Wha-huh? "Mommy, I want a sister so can you ask God to put a girl under the bush for you". Oh dear sweet child. How do I answer that one seeing as how this oven is closed.


  1. God puts it there. I'll have to remember that one since I've frightened a few kids with my explanations ;-0. I have a friend with multiple animals whose house always smells like a vet's office, but I like it. ~Mary

  2. Oh boy! What would I give to see you guys out walking the Pee Machine! What a hoot! : D

  3. Ok...that puppy pee-peeing machine is adorable! How can you stay mad very long?

    Love your answer regarding babies. I would have probably made up some ridiculous answer and then my child would probably go to school and tell every child said story to which I would then receive tons of disappointing phone calls from random parents which would lead me to consume even more alcohol than I do now. Oh no. Not good.

  4. oh that baby girl is just so cute.

  5. Your little neice is soo stinkin' cute!!!!