Monday, May 18, 2009

Holiday Rant

Oh dear sweet jebus. What the Fluck is wrong with people? I didn't wake up this morning and think "Geez, how can I be a complete ass to a stranger today?". Cause let me tell you dear customer..if I had done that, you'd get an earful and I would be unemployed.

It's a long weekend here in Canada-land. Historically a slow sales period, coupled with half the staff booking off the weekend leaves me with a very tight schedule. Not my fault either that staff have phoned in sick. Have you ever tried to call someone in on a holiday Mr Holier-than-thou Customer?

Yes I will answer the phone before we open. That does not mean we are open for business. I don't care if you are standing at the front door. We are not open for another 45mins. I will not let you in. I am not willing to get pillaged, robbed and fired because you can't wait 45 mins to buy that pen.

I'm sorry I am not the computer expert, my job is to manage the expert, not be one. If you wait 5 mins for him you can ask him what kind of ram you need in your desktop.

Yes, I am aware that we are VERY busy at times and you are waiting for help. I only have 2 people on the sales floor. No I cannot help you at this exact minute because I am the cashier and I'm trying to keep my eye on the guy stuffing ink down his pants.

When you see me holding a black thing up to my ear and talking into it, I am on the phone. It does not mean you can come up to me and start talking. I help people one at a time and do not butt in line, you are not more important.

Sorry but you need to know the model number of your printer to buy ink for it. I can't read minds and I can't guess which one you need. You can't just buy the cheapest one. I will not return your opened ink cartridge because you are a cheapskate.

Just because I wear a name tag and uniform does not give you the right to treat me like shit. I'm not here for you to yell at, insult, degrade, insult. Go home and do it to your family. Oh and that discount you wanted...lick my balls.

Thank you for you suggestions on how I should make my schedule. My psychic abilities
are apparently seriously lacking as I did not foresee how busy it would be at 1:37pm.

When I am standing at the front greeting you when you enter, the correct response is to return my greeting, or smile or even nod. The incorrect response is to completely ignore me or start demanding to know where stuff is. How hard is it to say "Hi"?

Thank you for returning the laser printer and binding machine right at 30 days. You did not return the 3 cases of paper or the binding combs and covers. I know damn well that toner is empty and you were 'renting' the product to complete a presentation. Bastard. It will cost me $90 to replace the toner to re-sell that machine.

If my copy centre tells you it will be 30 mins to get your copying completed do not come to me and demand that I do it for you now. It is first come first serve, They are completing print jobs that came in before you. Please see notes above that you are not more important than any other customer.

If we don't carry a product, it's not part of my job description to know who would sell it. Don't yell at me when I can't tell you exactly where to get it and how much it will be.

Stop stealing my PSP and Playstation games you punk-ass teenagers. Do not give me attitude when I am all over your ass like a fat kid on a smartie. I know what you're up to and I will follow you until you leave empty handed.

No, I can't call the courier to pick up your package today. It's a holiday, they are not working today. You will have to wait until Tuesday. It's not my fault you need it across the country by tomorrow morning. No one is open today! So again, why are you yelling at me?

To the customer with the exploding shit all over my bathroom stall.. are you freakin kidding me!?!? I get to clean that up and I will puke.

When I make the closing announcement that we are closed and to bring your merchandise up to the tills it does mean YOU. Do not feel free to wander the store chit chatting on your phone for another 15mins. At 15mins after close, my registers
are pulled and cashed out. You will not be able to pay. We paged it several times that the registers would be closing and that you had to leave. You chose to ignore it. Not my fault.

And to my NOT call in sick and then post pictures of yourself at a party on Facebook..did you forget I am on your friends list? You are so busted and in deep trouble when I see you on your next shift.

When I tell you to go on your break now. I really do mean NOW. If you don't take it NOW you won't get one because it will be someone elses turn. You taking your friggin break 45mins late screws up the entire break schedule. And when that happens *I* don't get my break. You try working 10 hours without eating.

And finally, to those wonderful fabulous customers who have a soul, a smile and a kind word today.. THANK YOU. I will bend ass over tea-kettle to help you out if you treat me with respect.

Just sayin.....


  1. Most excellent letters!
    Wishing you boatloads of fab customers from now more thieving, butt exploding, bump ME to the front of the line fools!
    Happy Victoria Day :)

  2. I have soo been there!
    a decade in retail will kill the soul.

  3. right about now I'm loving the fact that I work in a room by myself all day!!

  4. Nice!

    Can you post this at the door or will you get fired for that? Because it could really help.