Survivor Schmoochie style

My name is Schmoochiepoo and I am a neglectful Blogger. It has been 3 days since my last Blog and I have not read anyone elses either. I know! I suck!

Little J's party was a success! {or at least in my mine it was} Everyone showed up! The weather gods pulled through for me and we had sunny weather even if it was a tad chilly in the shade. All the food was eaten. Ass-hat was a BBQing machine. I was fairly tipsy and refrained from beating any of the sugar-laden demon spawn tearing though my house.

We started late. I was starting to panic at 2:05pm when there were only about 5 people here. I'm really anal about punctuality and just assume the rest of the population is as well. Apparently not. It was almost 2:30 by the time all his school friends arrived. One poor parent calls "I'm at your address and it's a farm, I'm staring at a greenhouse with aluminum siding. Is this the place?" He had put 'avenue' instead of 'street' into his GPS and ended up in farm country! Poor guy. He was so frazzled when they arrived. I just handed him a beer. He's my friend for life now. :)

Of course, no Schmoochie party is complete without some dysfunctional family drama. My friends come just to see what my mother pulls out of her hat. I told her to be here at 1pm. Party starts at 2pm. She has some of the food. We waited until 2:45 to start eating. She arrived at 3:15pm. Not willing to accept that everyone is done eating, she proceeds to run around slapping potato salad on every ones plate whether they wanted it or not.

Then she closes the glass patio doors, {there are 2} which have been open so people could move freely inside/outside, because she was getting a draft. Not 2 mins later 3kids go crashing into the closed doors. Way to go Mom!

She anointed herself official cake cutter and I was too busy running around monitor her. I kid you not, she cut the cake that feeds 20 into about 50 pieces. Each piece was about an inch long and a quarter inch wide. Are you kidding me!?!? I started putting 3 pieces on plates to give to the adults. I just kept mumbling "my mom cut it, don't ask' as I was handing out plates.

When she wasn't chasing after Little J to put some socks on him she spent her time lecturing to my poor sister-in-law about how she's failing as a parent. My niece is 2months old. She went on and on about how she raised 2 kids and doctors don't know anything yada yada yada. I had to intervene as my SIL was near tears and I actually told my Mom "Shut the hell up and leave her alone. She's doing just fine and shoving your advice down her throat is not helping. How dare you lecture her on how to breast feed correctly when you bottle fed us!" Sadly, my mother didn't even blink and just kept right on talking. Brick, meet wall.

I used paper/plastic plates and cutlery for a reason. Not very environmentally friendly but EASY for me to clean up. I recycle. :) Anyways, my Mom pulled all the plastic stuff out of the bin and started to wash them. OUT OF THE RECYCLING BIN PEOPLE!! I'm all for renew, re use and recycle but geez, did you have to pull crap out of the garbage in front of company??

Little J received so many awesome presents, the kid got spoiled. My mom of course was horrified at the amount and started taking toys aside so we wouldn't open them. Her thought was to re gift them at a later date because LJ has toys already. She also carefully folded up all the tissue paper, which was fine but God forbid a piece got ripped in the opening of the gift.

One of Little J's favorite gifts was a super duper water gun. He gleefully filled it up and egged on by all the kids and some of the *cough* grown ups, went on a water gun rampage soaking anyone who stood still long enough. Mass panic and hysteria followed as people scrambled for cover.

One of the kids broke the ice dispenser in the fridge and it was spitting out ice all by itself at an alarming rate. I had 2 pans full of ice before we got it stopped. We couldn't let the ice go to waste now could we.....ICE CUBE FIGHT! Ass-hat got half a pan dumped down his back. hee hee. I chose this point in time to hide in the house. :)

I think the last of the guests left around 8pm. I really should be cleaning up the toy shrapnel that stretches from one side of the house to the other but hey, I got important blogging to do :)

It was fun, but a hell of a lot of work. Little J had a blast and that was all that mattered.

I have a few pictures, not in any particular order and avideo of J and his water gun at the end.

Dare I dream a Little Dream?

I'm gonna say this very quietly in case some vengeful deity is listening in on me...

Theweathernetwork is calling for....... partly cloudy on Sunday! 20% chance of rain. Oh dear sweet jebus....don't let it change!!

On the party front, most of the housecleaning is on a roll amidst much cracking the whip and threats of garbage bags full of toys getting tossed out the front door. The final clean should be done by Saturday night and I'm sending Ass-hat, the kids, the cats and dog to my In-laws for the night so it stays clean. Just kidding, but it's a great idea.

The last 10 people RSVP'd so I have to go back to the store to buy crap for more goody bags. I should have just assumed that everyone would come and buy it all in the first place. But no.... I'm an idiot. I decided not to get a pinata. They are crazy expensive and 15 kids 2-12 years old running around swinging a baseball bat is probably not a good idea anyways.

Little J has decided that no girls are allowed to see his bedroom. He is quite adamant about it and is feverishly working on a sign that says "Boys Only". He doesn't want any help writing it so that sign actually says something like "WLAPSHRNC S SUIGD" with some of the letters backwards. Meh, it keeps him out of my hair for a few minutes. I'm going to remind him of his no girls policy when he's 16. :)

Is it a little anal that I have created a spreadsheet and time plan for the party? I have every detail down..when to start the BBQ, what game we're going to play and how long it will take, when we eat and for how long etc. I'm running a tight ship here people. The volume of wine I consume during the party will ultimately determine how close we stick to the schedule.

Princess Poopy Pants is heading to the vet today. I spotted some worms in her latest poo extravaganza in the kitchen this morning. She has never pooped in the house and now she's having these HUGE accidents every day and/or night. Something is not right. She's teething like a bastard and I have picked a few baby teeth out of my slippers. {she attacks them when I walk by her wearing them} I have my baggie of poo to take with me in case they want a sample. I'm tired of poo. I thought I never had to think about poo ever again once Little J was potty trained but no, we decide to get a puppy. A large puppy. A large puppy that poos a lot.

I suppose I should actually get back to work before someone notices that I've disappeared.

Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be back on Monday.

Is she insane?

The Crazy Old German Lady {my mom} calls me last night, once again at 11:30pm when she knows damn well that I'm up at 5am to go to a meeting out of town. We call her crazy for a reason.

Anyways, she asks if I know that's it's supposed to rain on the weekend. DUH! I have been stalking the weather network every hour for the last 3 days. I've offered sacrifices to the rain gods and done some weird voo-doo stuff that I'm not allowed to talk about. ;) I will do almost anything to get sunshine on Sunday.

So ya, she asks. I answer with a few select phrases best not repeated in polite company.

She then says "Why don't you call everyone to cancel and reschedule it next weekend when the weather is supposed to be nice?"

Is she freakin insane??? Just up and reschedule 45 people? A casual "Hey why don't you come out next weekend instead?" Did she forget I'll be AT WORK the following weekend? Oh ya, she said that was not a problem, she would run the party. Damn near choked on my tea when she said that. Seriously, the woman has a screw or two rattling around.

Once I stopped laughing at the utter stupidity of that idea I really had no response. She was absolutely dead serious.

I wonder how I turned out as 'normal as I did.

Well I just had to share that moment of insanity and now it's back to scrubbing.

The upside to all of this? My house will get it's twice annual rafter to floor boards clean. I'll be off the hook until Christmas.

*Sigh* I will get through this right?

Oh ya... the dog has explosive diarrhea and has been shitting in the kitchen during the day. Just flippin lovely.

I wonder if THIS made her sick? Freaky huge mushroom under the slide.


Princess Poopy Pants the Puppy waiting for some lovin

Freakin Out!!!

Ahhhh... I need to be talked off the roof. I have this insane urge to hurl myself off of it. Granted, I live in a 1 storey rancher and I would probably only break the shrubbery when I landed, but none the less, the thought exists.

I am in full out Birthday Party Panic Mode. Little J's party is on Sunday. We're having his party at our house. Crazy I know! This is the first year we are inviting his classmates, so I have strangers to impress. We usually have a friends/family BBQ in the huge backyard, BBQ, rent a big-ass bouncy castle and let the kids have at er.
We have been rained out 3 out of 4 years and it looks like this year will be no different. One would think I've learned my lesson but I remain stupidly optimistic that 'this year' will be better. 2 years ago it rained so hard it flooded. Sunny the day before, sunny the day after, monsoon the day of. I can't catch a break.

It hasn't rained in 6 bloody weeks but the forecast calls for rain this weekend. FUCK ME UP THE GOAT ASS!!!!!!!!

I have scheduled his party on almost every weekend throughout the month of June over the last 5 years and have been screwed over. Every weekend so far this year in June has been fabulous.

I went completely overboard on inviting folks. Confirmed guests at the moment stands at 10 kids/21 adults and potentially 15 kids/30 adults. I can't fit 31 to 45 people IN my house! It's a small rancher, I'll have to stack them up in the hallways. All the games/activities are for OUTSIDE. There's not enough seating. People will be bored and the party will suck and no one will ever come to a party for Little J again. And don't even get me started on the whole RSVP thing.....really how hard is it to pick up the phone and say "Yes thank you we'll be there" or "No sorry we can't make it". Arrgggg!

NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!!!!

I spent the last 3 weekends getting the yard ready, working on the landscaping, power washing the deck, making pretty. I want it to look great! I don't want people to think we're trash. Well, we are kinda, but we're closet trash :)

I have no idea when I'm going to get to the house cleaning. With the 2 and 4 legged creatures in this house messing stuff up faster than I can clean it, I'll be cleaning at 3am Sat morning. My work schedule sucks ass this week. I still have to do the food shopping, decorations, balloons, pinata, goody bags, supplies etc.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Next year we're going bowling.

//END RANT.

I now return you to your regularily scheduled programming. Carry on. :)

Hey you!

Ya You.....stranger reading this post. Please take a second and leave a comment.

I'm such a nosey Nancy. I love checking out my map to see where people have come from to land on my tiny spot in the Blogisphere. Canada, United States, UK, Australia, Malaysia, India and Nepal are some of the most recent. How cool is that!

I wonder how you ended up here. Did you end up here by mistake? A google search gone horribly wrong? Did you come here on purpose?

Please take a minute of your time to leave a comment or say Hi from 'XYZ'. You can be anonymous. I promise not to stalk you.

Thanks for humouring the crazy lady. :)

Dear Family Part Deux

Open letter to all living creatures residing in my household.


Dear Ass-hat: I understand that this is nasty allergy season for you and I feel bad for you , I really do. However, after 5 nights of not sleeping because you are wheezing, coughing, choking and snoring like a freight train gone wrong, my severely sleep deprived mind is plotting to bring a shiv to bed and slide it between your ribs tonight. If you loved me even a tiny bit, you would gallantly offer to sleep on the couch so at least one of us is rested. Two tired, cranky and bitchy adults in the house is not safe for anyone. For the love of all that is holy, be a man, suck it up and take some freakin medicine. I don't care that it makes you feel 'dopey' all day. I have enough sleep issues without you adding to the mix.

Dear Child: Please stop begging and crying to go out and play with the dog after I tell you "No, she's too hyper, you'll get hurt". Throwing your 5 year old self onto the floor and convulsing is not the best way to convince me to listen to you. It makes me want to video it so I can show it to your girlfriends when you're 16. And when you do sneak out to play with the dog and she bowls you over and tries to eat you, don't scream loud enough for the neighbours to hear. I told you so.

Dear Dog: Please calm down. I get that you're still a puppy but you're 45 freakin pounds! Stop trying to eat the boy. He is NOT a squeeky toy. He may sound like one but I promise you, he's not. Please stop peeing the second I touch you when I get home. I've been gone for 10mins, what is so damn exciting about me coming back? Please stop mauling me on my way out the door to work. My uniform is black. You are blonde and shedding like a mo-fo. Your hair is strangely lint-brush resistant.

Dear Fat Kitty. Stop sleeping on my head! I do not enjoy rolling over in the middle of the night only to be suffocated by 20lbs of fur. Sleep on Ass-hats pillow. Thank you for continuing to pee on Ass hats laundry pile. It makes me happy in a vindictive sort of way. Don't worry, I'll protect you. :)

Dear Freaky Kitty: See note above about peeing only on Ass-hats laundry. Same goes for barfing. No barfing on my pj's. Stop trying to escape when the door is open for the dog. You have no idea what it's like in the Outdoor Woods. I expect that from the fat one, not you. You will freak out and your heart will explode if you make it off the deck.

To All: Why can't you keep the house clean for longer than 10mins? I swear it's clean when I leave for work every day and when I get home it looks like a hurricane went through. I know you eat nothing but fast food the nights I am not home for dinner so how do you explain the piles of dishes on the counter? Did I miss a party?
Did you forget where the 4 laundry baskets are? Is the closet door too hard to open to put your shoes away? Did you really play with every single toy in the house? How come the kid ate 8 granola bars but the grapes and carrots are un-touched? 8 FREAKIN GRANOLA BARS!!!! Now I have to go back to the store because those were for snacks after ball hockey...did you forget that we are snack parents tomorrow? How hard is it to pick up the phone and call me at work to ask me to pick up milk on the way home? Did you think I wouldn't notice the empty jug in the fridge when I made my tea this morning {without milk!} If you use the last of the toilet paper, get a new roll. I do not like drip-drying at 4am. Next time I'll use your bath towel. {which is on the floor anyways}

Ya'll may want to shape up because one day Mommy won't come home from work. I'll run off and live by myself in a cabin in the woods and leave you to fend for yourselves.

Good luck with that eh?

Failure to communicate

The following exchange occurred at work last night while I was at the front to the store

Customer enters, looks around, spots me and walks over

Me: Hello! Welcome to "Big Box Office Supply Store"
Customer looking confused "Pants?"
Me eyebrow raised: "Pardon me?"
Customer loudly: "PANTS!"
Me trying to distinguish his heavy accent "Paint? Paper?"
Customer hopping up and down "No Pants! Need Pants!"
Me really confused: "You want pants?" pointing to my own legs
Customer excited and peering over my shoulder into the store: "Yes! Pants! Where?"
Me: "Uh you're in 'Big Box Office Supply Store'. We sell electronics and office stuff"
Customer looking very sad: "No pants?"
Me: "No sorry, all out of pants"
Customer: "No pants?"
Me: "NO PANTS! GO NEXT DOOR!"
Customer takes one last look over my shoulder: "OK No pants." stares at me for a moment to determine if I might be lying to him, sighs heavily and leaves.

I sent him to the drugstore next door. Let them have fun with that.

This is what I get paid the big bucks for folks. :) I should have told him to head down aisle 15 {which doesn't exist just to see what happened}.

Sadly that was the highlight of my evening.