I have eyes in the back of my head. Seriously, I do. Just ask my kid. Or any of my employees. I seem to have a knack for knowing exactly what is happening out of sight.
I call is my 'up-to-no-good sense'.
I suppose my associates view me as the old woman/mom/manager and forget that I used to be young and did all the same tricks to goof off and screw around. I'm sure I have a few that they haven't even thought of yet. :) Little do they realize that while I'm in the back office I've got the security cameras up to watch the sales floor. Every once in a while every single sales floor associate will end up at the service desk. Which means no one is actually helping customers. That's when I do the 'Big Brother is Watching' page over the PA and get them scrambling back to the sales floor. They call it creepy, I call it effective managing. :) It creeps out my fellow managers too. The boss-man asked if I watched everybody. My reply was "You should stop picking your nose in the front cash office." *evil grin*
Little J is completely freaked out by the eyes in the back of my head. How I've managed to keep him convinced for so long I don't know. He once asked me how I always knew what he was doing,
"Because Mommies have eyes in the back of their head so they can keep track of naughty little boys"
"OOOH" he says, "Can I see them?"
"One day when you're old enough I'll show you sweetie".
"How do you not get shampoo in them Mommy?"
"Same as you, I close them really tight."
Could it really be that easy?
Poor kid had no idea that he is so loud I could hear what he was up to and he also tends to talk to his toys about what he was doing. Throw in the rear view mirror in the car and I've got all by bases covered. LOL!
Every once in a while I catch him staring intently at the back of my head.
"What are you looking at?" I ask.
He blushes and mumbles under his breath "Nuthin".
I know he's trying to spot those eyes.
I'm workin this angle as long as he believes. Wonder if it will still work when he's in high school????
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Why yes, I am a freak.
We are in the middle of a heat wave. High 80's, mid 90's. I love it! This is the only time of year that I am comfortable. Everyone else is sweating, hot and grumpy. I am as happy as a pig in shit. I may even break out the shorts.
As the temperatures rise and more clothes are shed, my weirdness becomes so much more obvious. I am the only person wearing pants, long sleeves and a fleece vest.
The freakin air conditioning at work is set for 65F. WTF! Isn't that Artic temperature? I am in my office frozen solid, nose running, hands and feet numb.
Customers come in and look at me shivering and ask what the hell is wrong with me.
"The air conditioning is great!" they say. Ya buddy, you try standing here for 9 hours and try not to freeze to death.
Granted, I am nothing more than a skeleton wrapped in skin and one can find me in temperatures as hot as Hades wearing a sweater and clutching a cup of hot tea.
I wear my flannel pj's {sexy I know!} and cocoon myself under my down blankets all damn year. It does get chilly at night. When camping I have been known to wear a touque to bed because I am too cold to sleep.
I would love to live somewhere tropical or at least closer to the equator.
Am I the only freak that's always cold out there?
As the temperatures rise and more clothes are shed, my weirdness becomes so much more obvious. I am the only person wearing pants, long sleeves and a fleece vest.
The freakin air conditioning at work is set for 65F. WTF! Isn't that Artic temperature? I am in my office frozen solid, nose running, hands and feet numb.
Customers come in and look at me shivering and ask what the hell is wrong with me.
"The air conditioning is great!" they say. Ya buddy, you try standing here for 9 hours and try not to freeze to death.
Granted, I am nothing more than a skeleton wrapped in skin and one can find me in temperatures as hot as Hades wearing a sweater and clutching a cup of hot tea.
I wear my flannel pj's {sexy I know!} and cocoon myself under my down blankets all damn year. It does get chilly at night. When camping I have been known to wear a touque to bed because I am too cold to sleep.
I would love to live somewhere tropical or at least closer to the equator.
Am I the only freak that's always cold out there?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Bloody hell........
So I made it 11.2 days before getting the Mother of All Migraines. It is the Perfect Storm of weather/hormones/stress and lemme tell ya.... it's a doozy.
I don't remember much of work today. I know I went there in the morning and at some point came home because I found myself heaving in my own bathroom. {Good thing I cleaned it yesterday} How and when I got here remains a mystery. I certainly hope I didn't mow anyone down in my car on the way home. Pretty sure the cops would have been here by now right? I did remember to pick up the little one which is amazing because I don't normally do pick up.
It feels like someone is jamming a red hot poker in my left eye and my face is numb so I am drooling.
Figures it would happen while Ass-hat is fishing. Poor Little J is on his own tonight. I'm opening the pantry and he can eat whatever he can reach. Cold Pop Tarts and Goldfish? Chocolate Pudding and a can of tuna? Sliced cheese and Nutella? Have at it kid..this is your chance to eat anything you want! Makes me want to hurl just thinking about it.
I just have to make it until bedtime.
I have doubled the daily dosage for Tylenol/Advil/Aspirin already so I'm tapped out. I'm sure the ringing in my ears is perfectly normal. Right?
I can't take any of the good stuff because I am alone with the kidlet.
If you don't hear from me in 3 days, it means my head imploded and my brain is seeping out my ears.
I don't remember much of work today. I know I went there in the morning and at some point came home because I found myself heaving in my own bathroom. {Good thing I cleaned it yesterday} How and when I got here remains a mystery. I certainly hope I didn't mow anyone down in my car on the way home. Pretty sure the cops would have been here by now right? I did remember to pick up the little one which is amazing because I don't normally do pick up.
It feels like someone is jamming a red hot poker in my left eye and my face is numb so I am drooling.
Figures it would happen while Ass-hat is fishing. Poor Little J is on his own tonight. I'm opening the pantry and he can eat whatever he can reach. Cold Pop Tarts and Goldfish? Chocolate Pudding and a can of tuna? Sliced cheese and Nutella? Have at it kid..this is your chance to eat anything you want! Makes me want to hurl just thinking about it.
I just have to make it until bedtime.
I have doubled the daily dosage for Tylenol/Advil/Aspirin already so I'm tapped out. I'm sure the ringing in my ears is perfectly normal. Right?
I can't take any of the good stuff because I am alone with the kidlet.
If you don't hear from me in 3 days, it means my head imploded and my brain is seeping out my ears.
Monday, July 6, 2009
In search of Oncorhynchus mykiss
My mighty hunter has once again left home and hearth to locate and conquer the elusive Oncorhynchus mykiss.
Yep, Ass-hat has left for another week of fishing, drinking, sleeping with men and peeing off boats. Just don't ask me where he is.
Fishermen are a strange breed and very secretive. They only share information with a select few. Befriend a fisherman and you're as good as gold. Become one of the 'inner circle' and tap into a wealth of knowledge. What's the best fly to use on this lake, what's hatching now, what depth you should fish, what line you should cast, which lake is producing, which lake didn't survive the winter etc.
Piss off a fisherman and you will meet a stone cold wall of silence.
NEVER EVER post on a public forum information on a 'hot' lake. I kid you not. Some idiot posted a Youtube video of this huge trout he caught and mentioned what lake it was. Not 20 minutes after it was posted our phone was ringing off the hook with fellow fishing freaks calling to talk about what an idiot that guy was. He broke the cardinal rule "We do not talk about the lake in public" The video was subsequently removed, but the damage was done. He will never be able to join a reputable fly fishing forum. The saddest part? Even if he hadn't mentioned that name of the lake, most of the guys recognized it from the video. These boys have too much time on their hands.
Us women cannot be trusted to keep their current location a secret. God forbid word gets out to the un-educated masses as to which lake exactly they are fishing. My letting it slip in general conversation may cause a stampede of folks heading to that lake. Not that anyone I happen to meet gives a flying jelly donut, word may get around. People talk.
Despite much pleading {You're a parent dammit! What if there is an emergency?} and demanding {You can't go until I know where you are!} I still have no idea where he went. I have a general idea- North.
To shut me up, Ass-hat has provided his location to me in case of emergency. He gave me a SEALED envelope outlining his itinerary. I am to open it in an EMERGENCY ONLY.
An emergency is defined as:
The house has burned down
One of us has lost a limb
I have lost the child or the dog
He has not returned home by Sunday night and I need to call search and rescue.
They are so far into bush that I believe him when he says they can't get cell reception but he must check in when he goes int town. There is never enough beer or ice so I KNOW they re-stock midweek.
It's gonna be a tough go doing it all by myself with work,picking up from daycare on time, kid activities, housework {ha ha ha h like that's going to happen} dog walking etc. I make no guarantee that everyone will be fed, walked, bathed or brushed on schedule.
Yep, Ass-hat has left for another week of fishing, drinking, sleeping with men and peeing off boats. Just don't ask me where he is.
Fishermen are a strange breed and very secretive. They only share information with a select few. Befriend a fisherman and you're as good as gold. Become one of the 'inner circle' and tap into a wealth of knowledge. What's the best fly to use on this lake, what's hatching now, what depth you should fish, what line you should cast, which lake is producing, which lake didn't survive the winter etc.
Piss off a fisherman and you will meet a stone cold wall of silence.
NEVER EVER post on a public forum information on a 'hot' lake. I kid you not. Some idiot posted a Youtube video of this huge trout he caught and mentioned what lake it was. Not 20 minutes after it was posted our phone was ringing off the hook with fellow fishing freaks calling to talk about what an idiot that guy was. He broke the cardinal rule "We do not talk about the lake in public" The video was subsequently removed, but the damage was done. He will never be able to join a reputable fly fishing forum. The saddest part? Even if he hadn't mentioned that name of the lake, most of the guys recognized it from the video. These boys have too much time on their hands.
Us women cannot be trusted to keep their current location a secret. God forbid word gets out to the un-educated masses as to which lake exactly they are fishing. My letting it slip in general conversation may cause a stampede of folks heading to that lake. Not that anyone I happen to meet gives a flying jelly donut, word may get around. People talk.
Despite much pleading {You're a parent dammit! What if there is an emergency?} and demanding {You can't go until I know where you are!} I still have no idea where he went. I have a general idea- North.
To shut me up, Ass-hat has provided his location to me in case of emergency. He gave me a SEALED envelope outlining his itinerary. I am to open it in an EMERGENCY ONLY.
An emergency is defined as:
The house has burned down
One of us has lost a limb
I have lost the child or the dog
He has not returned home by Sunday night and I need to call search and rescue.
They are so far into bush that I believe him when he says they can't get cell reception but he must check in when he goes int town. There is never enough beer or ice so I KNOW they re-stock midweek.
It's gonna be a tough go doing it all by myself with work,picking up from daycare on time, kid activities, housework {ha ha ha h like that's going to happen} dog walking etc. I make no guarantee that everyone will be fed, walked, bathed or brushed on schedule.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Ripped off
I was in the drug store next door to work this week and saw a wicked deal on 'KIMCHI' noodle bowls. .79cents a piece. So what the heck, I buy 2 beef, 2 chicken, 2 vegetable and 2 pork flavour for lunches.
Monday I tried chicken. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Tuesday I tried vegetable. It was reddish brown and very spicy
Wednesday I tried beef. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Thursday I tried pork. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
I'm beginning to think they are actually.all.the.same.flavour.
Now that's just mean.
Monday I tried chicken. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Tuesday I tried vegetable. It was reddish brown and very spicy
Wednesday I tried beef. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
Thursday I tried pork. It was reddish brown and very spicy.
I'm beginning to think they are actually.all.the.same.flavour.
Now that's just mean.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Family Time
For some reason I really have nothing of value to say today. This almost never happens.
I'm just killing time until I go to work. Sitting out back, watering the flower beds and watching the dog bring me treats. She's living up to the 'retriever' part of her heritage. So far she has brought me:
3 pine cones
1 piece of particle board
1 unidentifiable lump of something organic
2 different gardening gloves
4 sticks
1 plastic bucket
2 balls
1 snout full of dirt that I'm sure she dug out of the garden
She's now happily noshing on a 2by4. I think we are past the explosive pooping stage. Of course she stopped right after the $200 vet visit. Grrrr! So while I'm not cleaning up after HER poo, my child has picked up the reins and is continuing the um, family tradition.
We went for a lovely walk in a local park last night {it's a protected Bog} and we're seriously off trail in the middle of nowhere when Little J announces that he has to pee. Well, we are in nature so find a good 'pee bush' and have at er kid!
Suddenly he looks up at me and says "Oh Mommy I have to poo!" Before I could even say "Can you wait till we get home", green poo is shooting from my kids arse.
Oh my good Lord! We just stood there stunned while my poor child shat all over himself and his underwear/shorts. After a moment of shocked silence I looked at Ass-hat and burst into laughter. What else could I do? We were in the woods, no wipes, no supplies, nothin. So there I am, trying to wipe runny crap off my kid with leaves without making more of a mess. I used one of the doggie poop baggies to hold his soiled clothes and tried to figure out how to get a half nekkid, poo covered child back to the truck without further incident. Thank goodness I was smart enough to have put a jacket on Little J so I wrapped that around his waist and off we went.
Did I mention the awesome dry-heaving that occurred during the clean-up process? I somehow managed NOT to puke, but it took every fiber of my being. I too, was covered in green goo and no amount of leaves, twigs and berries was gonna get me cleaned off.
Ass-hat was of no help at all. He was quote "Busy holding the dog". Glad to know I can count on him in a time of crisis. He threatened to not let us in the truck. I threatened to smear the baggie of clothes all over his dashboard. :)
I made the poor kid stand outside while I ran a quick bath and then picked him up straight armed and plopped him in the tub still somewhat clothed and wearing his crocs. A major hosing off amidst loud screaming followed.
Now that my friends, was the perfect example of non-quality family time.
Huh, so I guess I did have something to say after all
Below are some pics of our 'fabulous' time in the Bog. I thought about posting a pic of the 'exploding bum' incident {cause yes, I took pictures!} but really, no one needs to see that. :)
I'm just killing time until I go to work. Sitting out back, watering the flower beds and watching the dog bring me treats. She's living up to the 'retriever' part of her heritage. So far she has brought me:
3 pine cones
1 piece of particle board
1 unidentifiable lump of something organic
2 different gardening gloves
4 sticks
1 plastic bucket
2 balls
1 snout full of dirt that I'm sure she dug out of the garden
She's now happily noshing on a 2by4. I think we are past the explosive pooping stage. Of course she stopped right after the $200 vet visit. Grrrr! So while I'm not cleaning up after HER poo, my child has picked up the reins and is continuing the um, family tradition.
We went for a lovely walk in a local park last night {it's a protected Bog} and we're seriously off trail in the middle of nowhere when Little J announces that he has to pee. Well, we are in nature so find a good 'pee bush' and have at er kid!
Suddenly he looks up at me and says "Oh Mommy I have to poo!" Before I could even say "Can you wait till we get home", green poo is shooting from my kids arse.
Oh my good Lord! We just stood there stunned while my poor child shat all over himself and his underwear/shorts. After a moment of shocked silence I looked at Ass-hat and burst into laughter. What else could I do? We were in the woods, no wipes, no supplies, nothin. So there I am, trying to wipe runny crap off my kid with leaves without making more of a mess. I used one of the doggie poop baggies to hold his soiled clothes and tried to figure out how to get a half nekkid, poo covered child back to the truck without further incident. Thank goodness I was smart enough to have put a jacket on Little J so I wrapped that around his waist and off we went.
Did I mention the awesome dry-heaving that occurred during the clean-up process? I somehow managed NOT to puke, but it took every fiber of my being. I too, was covered in green goo and no amount of leaves, twigs and berries was gonna get me cleaned off.
Ass-hat was of no help at all. He was quote "Busy holding the dog". Glad to know I can count on him in a time of crisis. He threatened to not let us in the truck. I threatened to smear the baggie of clothes all over his dashboard. :)
I made the poor kid stand outside while I ran a quick bath and then picked him up straight armed and plopped him in the tub still somewhat clothed and wearing his crocs. A major hosing off amidst loud screaming followed.
Now that my friends, was the perfect example of non-quality family time.
Huh, so I guess I did have something to say after all
Below are some pics of our 'fabulous' time in the Bog. I thought about posting a pic of the 'exploding bum' incident {cause yes, I took pictures!} but really, no one needs to see that. :)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
HAPPY CANADA DAY!
Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians!!!!! {and Canadian wanna-be's}
Enjoy a video from my favorite Canuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Edited to add the My Name is Joe and I am Canadian Rant.
Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!
Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America
My name is Joe!!
And I am Canadian!!!
Enjoy a video from my favorite Canuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Edited to add the My Name is Joe and I am Canadian Rant.
Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!
Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America
My name is Joe!!
And I am Canadian!!!
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