Woke up this morning to the sound of Little J barfing in the hallway. Poor kid didn't make it to the bathroom in time but he sure tried, bless his little heart.
I have issues with barf. Seeing barf, hearing barf, smelling barf and even thinking about barf makes me dry heave and gag.
So there we are, little J lying on the hallway floor barfing and me trying vainly to clean it up without barfing myself.
Not the best way to start Good Friday but he still wants to colour Easter eggs so he can't be feeling that bad right?
Going to be interesting showing up for family dinner today with our very own barf-bucket :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
About Last Night
Dear Ass-hat
You are lucky that I need your pay cheque to pay the bills because you came
this.close to being smothered by a pillow last night for the following reasons.
1. Your snoring. Good grief! The sounds produced by your 'breathing' could inspire
another Exorcist movie. How does a human being even produce such demonic sounds? It is so loud and obnoxious that you wake yourself up then you scratch your ass, roll over and promptly start snoring again. You snore so loudly that you have startled the damn dog who sleeps in an entirely different room. You suck.
2. Your farting. The smell emanating from your nether regions could choke a maggot. Seriously, you should get that checked out. You smell like rancid monkey poo. Must I sleep with a gas mask too?
3. Your bed hogging. You are not a big man. You should be perfectly fine on your half of the bed. I already share MY half with the 2 cats and that's ok because they are warm, fuzzy, purr and sleep around me. You however, do not. You instead roll over on me, smothering me and making my limbs fall asleep. You refuse to move even after many hissed "get the hell off Me's", vicious pokes, pinches and punches. What the hell is wrong with you??
And you wonder why I am so cranky??
You are lucky that I need your pay cheque to pay the bills because you came
this.close to being smothered by a pillow last night for the following reasons.
1. Your snoring. Good grief! The sounds produced by your 'breathing' could inspire
another Exorcist movie. How does a human being even produce such demonic sounds? It is so loud and obnoxious that you wake yourself up then you scratch your ass, roll over and promptly start snoring again. You snore so loudly that you have startled the damn dog who sleeps in an entirely different room. You suck.
2. Your farting. The smell emanating from your nether regions could choke a maggot. Seriously, you should get that checked out. You smell like rancid monkey poo. Must I sleep with a gas mask too?
3. Your bed hogging. You are not a big man. You should be perfectly fine on your half of the bed. I already share MY half with the 2 cats and that's ok because they are warm, fuzzy, purr and sleep around me. You however, do not. You instead roll over on me, smothering me and making my limbs fall asleep. You refuse to move even after many hissed "get the hell off Me's", vicious pokes, pinches and punches. What the hell is wrong with you??
And you wonder why I am so cranky??
Monday, March 29, 2010
Why is this so damn hard?
I hate Little J's teacher for insisting that something is wrong with him. (Even if she may be right)
I hate our medical system that sends me running in circles.
I hate doctors who are quick to prescribe a pill without actually evaluating the patient.
I hate 12 month waiting lists for testing and therapy.
I hate that I have to even figure all of this out.
I hate that I feel like I've failed my child.
I hate not having all the answers.
I hate our medical system that sends me running in circles.
I hate doctors who are quick to prescribe a pill without actually evaluating the patient.
I hate 12 month waiting lists for testing and therapy.
I hate that I have to even figure all of this out.
I hate that I feel like I've failed my child.
I hate not having all the answers.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Dear Crazy People
So there is a gym right beside my work. I drive by it twice a day. It's always packed. It's open when I leave work at 10:30pm and it's open when I get to work at
6am. I will admit to a momentary crazy thought of "Gee, I should get back to the gym" and then I start laughing and end up coughing up a lung.
What kind of crazy people work out at 6am?? How dedicated must one be to drag themselves out of bed so insanely early, punish their bodies for an hour and then put in a full day of work. What kind of drugs are they one? I can barely get through my work day before needing a nap.
Back in the day when I was young and actually had time and energy to care about what I looked liked, I did go to the gym. Several of them in fact.
My first experience was Golds Gym. Full of steroid monkeys and perfect plastic barbie dolls prancing round in teeny tiny spandex with not a glimmer of sweat. I however, wore my brother's sweats, hair in ponytail and no make-up. I sweat like a greased pig. I had no idea people didn't go to the gym to exercise but instead to find their next Friday night hook up. My room mate at the time was very fit and was a certified aerobics instructor and convinced me to take one of her classes. So there I am in a big baggy sweatshirt and my scrawny chicken legs clad in black spandex. Not my best look. I apparently have zero coordination and zero rhythm. I was usually 3 moves behind and looked more like a seizing monkey than a cool chick exercising. So, me not looking like a perfect plastic barbie doll only lasted about 3 weeks before quitting.
My next attempt started out good, Just Ladies Fitness. Nuthin but ladies and it was right beside my work. I could work out and keep an eye on the restaurant at the same time. I convinced another employee to join with me so I had some motivation to go. And yes, we would go at 6am, I was her ride so I HAD to get up and go. Clever of me huh...
I actually enjoyed it for a while but would have been much happier if I could have smoked while riding the exercise bike. (crazy, I know but I've got pretty good cardio for a smoker). I then decided to try circuit training. That my friends, was my downfall. The day I had to follow grandma on the circuit proved that the gym was no place for me. How sad is it that me, a 26 year old, had to adjust the weights DOWN to use a machine after a 70 year old woman. Not only did I have to drop the weight, I could only go half the reps. My self esteem couldn't handle it.
So kudo's to you who manage to go to the gym and workout while normal people are either sleeping or having sex. I applaud and admire your commitment and motivation and I salute you with a smoke in one hand and my 1000 calorie Starbucks Frappe in the other.
But please do me a favour....park around the back so I don't see your car. I don't need the reminder of how much I suck at 6am.
Thank you for your consideration.
6am. I will admit to a momentary crazy thought of "Gee, I should get back to the gym" and then I start laughing and end up coughing up a lung.
What kind of crazy people work out at 6am?? How dedicated must one be to drag themselves out of bed so insanely early, punish their bodies for an hour and then put in a full day of work. What kind of drugs are they one? I can barely get through my work day before needing a nap.
Back in the day when I was young and actually had time and energy to care about what I looked liked, I did go to the gym. Several of them in fact.
My first experience was Golds Gym. Full of steroid monkeys and perfect plastic barbie dolls prancing round in teeny tiny spandex with not a glimmer of sweat. I however, wore my brother's sweats, hair in ponytail and no make-up. I sweat like a greased pig. I had no idea people didn't go to the gym to exercise but instead to find their next Friday night hook up. My room mate at the time was very fit and was a certified aerobics instructor and convinced me to take one of her classes. So there I am in a big baggy sweatshirt and my scrawny chicken legs clad in black spandex. Not my best look. I apparently have zero coordination and zero rhythm. I was usually 3 moves behind and looked more like a seizing monkey than a cool chick exercising. So, me not looking like a perfect plastic barbie doll only lasted about 3 weeks before quitting.
My next attempt started out good, Just Ladies Fitness. Nuthin but ladies and it was right beside my work. I could work out and keep an eye on the restaurant at the same time. I convinced another employee to join with me so I had some motivation to go. And yes, we would go at 6am, I was her ride so I HAD to get up and go. Clever of me huh...
I actually enjoyed it for a while but would have been much happier if I could have smoked while riding the exercise bike. (crazy, I know but I've got pretty good cardio for a smoker). I then decided to try circuit training. That my friends, was my downfall. The day I had to follow grandma on the circuit proved that the gym was no place for me. How sad is it that me, a 26 year old, had to adjust the weights DOWN to use a machine after a 70 year old woman. Not only did I have to drop the weight, I could only go half the reps. My self esteem couldn't handle it.
So kudo's to you who manage to go to the gym and workout while normal people are either sleeping or having sex. I applaud and admire your commitment and motivation and I salute you with a smoke in one hand and my 1000 calorie Starbucks Frappe in the other.
But please do me a favour....park around the back so I don't see your car. I don't need the reminder of how much I suck at 6am.
Thank you for your consideration.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Olympics!
Hello!
Yes I know I haven't posted since last year *gasp* but well, life got in my way.
I am back long enough to post some Olympic pictures. The Vancouver 2010 games are here and we are close enough to the city to enjoy the action!! It is such an exciting time and Little J is having so much fun going into the city to see the sights and of course, going to watch a couple of hockey games.
The boy has Olympic fever big time. Today he told me he wants to be speed skater or the guy who drives the luge. As long as he doesn't try to ski jump off my roof, it's all good. Heck, we all have Olympic fever. :)
I have no idea what order the pictures loaded in but they are random shots of downtown Vancouver and the hockey game we went to.
Enjoy!
Yes I know I haven't posted since last year *gasp* but well, life got in my way.
I am back long enough to post some Olympic pictures. The Vancouver 2010 games are here and we are close enough to the city to enjoy the action!! It is such an exciting time and Little J is having so much fun going into the city to see the sights and of course, going to watch a couple of hockey games.
The boy has Olympic fever big time. Today he told me he wants to be speed skater or the guy who drives the luge. As long as he doesn't try to ski jump off my roof, it's all good. Heck, we all have Olympic fever. :)
I have no idea what order the pictures loaded in but they are random shots of downtown Vancouver and the hockey game we went to.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
To Flu or not to Flu.....
I have a dilemma in my head.....well one of many but that's beside the point here.
Get the swine flu shot or not, and more importantly, do I get it for Little J.
A month ago when the vaccine rolled into clinics across this great land of ours *cough* *cough* and multitudes of panicked folk lined up for hours to get their shot but if and only if you fell into a high risk group. Clinics quickly ran out and shut their doors, professional and semi-professional sports teams jumped the line and people freaked out that they would not be able to get their shot.
Now according to the head health dude there is enough vaccine available for every God fearing, law abiding Canadian to get a shot.
My reason for not getting it and having to make the decision has been yanked out from under me. Damn it all to hell.
I have never had the flu shot and given the fact that I will get any illness circulating around, I have not had the flu in several years *knock on wood*. Having worked with the public for the last 22 years *gasp* I am amazed I haven't contracted Ebola. I've seen what people do to their money and where they put it *shudders*.
I don't care what people think when I spray Lysol on the debit machine as soon as they put it down. :P Last week our store received a shipment of PERSONAL FLU KITS.
I shit you not people..the Personal Flu Kit contains a face mask, one-time use thermometer and not one but two antiseptic wipes. All this can be yours for only
$2.98CAN. Hurry! At this price they won't last long. Give me a freakin break.....
It's the kid I'm really waffling about. While I want to give him any chance I can to keep him healthy do I really want to inject him with a virus? What if he's the one of the few who have an adverse reaction? I was the mom at the Dr's freaking out during their kids vaccinations. I delayed the MMR and held my breath and prayed like crazy that nothing would go wrong. (told you I had issues) Little J is a very healthy kid, he has his daddy's immune system and I can count on one hand how many times he's been sick. Do I do more harm than good by vaccinating or not vaccinating?
With so many other concerns out there: HFCS, Red Dye #40, BPE, MSG and who knows what other 'cancer causing' ingredients will be uncovered in Little J's favorite foods, do I want to inject more chemicals into him??
This parenting gig is hard. I should be worrying about Little J's Christmas list...the little stinker wants a DSi but will accept a regular DS if he has too. WTF?? He's 5...what does he know about hand held video games?? The whole school thing is a bad influence on him :) See...yet another dilemna....
I should just stop thinking so hard.
Get the swine flu shot or not, and more importantly, do I get it for Little J.
A month ago when the vaccine rolled into clinics across this great land of ours *cough* *cough* and multitudes of panicked folk lined up for hours to get their shot but if and only if you fell into a high risk group. Clinics quickly ran out and shut their doors, professional and semi-professional sports teams jumped the line and people freaked out that they would not be able to get their shot.
Now according to the head health dude there is enough vaccine available for every God fearing, law abiding Canadian to get a shot.
My reason for not getting it and having to make the decision has been yanked out from under me. Damn it all to hell.
I have never had the flu shot and given the fact that I will get any illness circulating around, I have not had the flu in several years *knock on wood*. Having worked with the public for the last 22 years *gasp* I am amazed I haven't contracted Ebola. I've seen what people do to their money and where they put it *shudders*.
I don't care what people think when I spray Lysol on the debit machine as soon as they put it down. :P Last week our store received a shipment of PERSONAL FLU KITS.
I shit you not people..the Personal Flu Kit contains a face mask, one-time use thermometer and not one but two antiseptic wipes. All this can be yours for only
$2.98CAN. Hurry! At this price they won't last long. Give me a freakin break.....
It's the kid I'm really waffling about. While I want to give him any chance I can to keep him healthy do I really want to inject him with a virus? What if he's the one of the few who have an adverse reaction? I was the mom at the Dr's freaking out during their kids vaccinations. I delayed the MMR and held my breath and prayed like crazy that nothing would go wrong. (told you I had issues) Little J is a very healthy kid, he has his daddy's immune system and I can count on one hand how many times he's been sick. Do I do more harm than good by vaccinating or not vaccinating?
With so many other concerns out there: HFCS, Red Dye #40, BPE, MSG and who knows what other 'cancer causing' ingredients will be uncovered in Little J's favorite foods, do I want to inject more chemicals into him??
This parenting gig is hard. I should be worrying about Little J's Christmas list...the little stinker wants a DSi but will accept a regular DS if he has too. WTF?? He's 5...what does he know about hand held video games?? The whole school thing is a bad influence on him :) See...yet another dilemna....
I should just stop thinking so hard.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Boobies
Now that the almost crisis with the growth on my neck has been averted..{turns out it was just a 2 day sore throat and probably a swollen gland and still no flu...} I can turn my attention to other obsessions.
My current fixation is BOOBIES. Yes, I realize that's a weird obsession to have as a woman but I can't help it. I think it stems from jealousy. See, I don't have boobies. Really I don't. If I am not wearing a bra...there are no bumpies under my tshirt. nothing. nada. zip. zilch. zero.
The one and only time I had a half decent rack was when I was breast feeding. I think I was a solid A cup. Unfortunately, the boobies could not be looked at or touched at this point in time or they would immediately start shooting out milk. If Little J so much as whimpered my milk would let down and I'd be sporting giant wet spots on my shirt. This only lasted about 2 months and then the booby milk factory shut down, packed up and headed out of town leaving me with um....nothing
Boobies amuse me. Even the word 'booby' makes me giggle like a naughty school boy looking at the underwear ads in the flyers. I check out other women's cleavage all the time. I'm not creepy about it, just a tad jealous that I can't wear strapless tops and if I drop food down my top it only stops when it hits my waist. Is it so wrong to want bouncy, jiggly boobies. I want to live my life like the slow motion beach running scenes from Baywatch. I want something to squeeze.
I'm not vain or rich enough to go under the knife and get implants and knowing my luck, mine would shift and slide down to my belly button or squawk at high altitude.
So I guess for now I'll just wear the water bras and heavy sweaters and yearn for the day the Bobby Fairy comes to visit.
My current fixation is BOOBIES. Yes, I realize that's a weird obsession to have as a woman but I can't help it. I think it stems from jealousy. See, I don't have boobies. Really I don't. If I am not wearing a bra...there are no bumpies under my tshirt. nothing. nada. zip. zilch. zero.
The one and only time I had a half decent rack was when I was breast feeding. I think I was a solid A cup. Unfortunately, the boobies could not be looked at or touched at this point in time or they would immediately start shooting out milk. If Little J so much as whimpered my milk would let down and I'd be sporting giant wet spots on my shirt. This only lasted about 2 months and then the booby milk factory shut down, packed up and headed out of town leaving me with um....nothing
Boobies amuse me. Even the word 'booby' makes me giggle like a naughty school boy looking at the underwear ads in the flyers. I check out other women's cleavage all the time. I'm not creepy about it, just a tad jealous that I can't wear strapless tops and if I drop food down my top it only stops when it hits my waist. Is it so wrong to want bouncy, jiggly boobies. I want to live my life like the slow motion beach running scenes from Baywatch. I want something to squeeze.
I'm not vain or rich enough to go under the knife and get implants and knowing my luck, mine would shift and slide down to my belly button or squawk at high altitude.
So I guess for now I'll just wear the water bras and heavy sweaters and yearn for the day the Bobby Fairy comes to visit.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I have a tumour.......
No, seriously I do. The side of my neck is swollen and it hurts to swallow. The alternative {flu} is nore horrible to contemplate.
Trust me..... I'd rather have a tumour than catch the flu.
Damn germs. Apparently the hourly dosing of hand sanitizer and the avoiding of all personal conduct {including *cough* marital relations *cough*} has not done me any good. I suppose this means I can go back to licking random people??
Maybe it's just a giant pimple gone astray??
Anything but the flu........
Trust me..... I'd rather have a tumour than catch the flu.
Damn germs. Apparently the hourly dosing of hand sanitizer and the avoiding of all personal conduct {including *cough* marital relations *cough*} has not done me any good. I suppose this means I can go back to licking random people??
Maybe it's just a giant pimple gone astray??
Anything but the flu........
Friday, November 13, 2009
Freud would love this....
My child watches too much TV. Or rather, too much inappropriate TV. I figured he was too young to get some the more adult content of some of the shows I watch after 8pm. I was wrong.
Today I am sitting on the couch minding my own business when up comes demon child with a twinkle in his eye. I know I'm getting buttered up for something, most likely for more Halloween candy or a pair of scissors.
He climbs on my lap, gently places his hands on either side of my face, tells me I'm pretty, proceeds to push me down on the couch and give me a loooong kiss on the lips while licking my face. Stunned, I sit up and ask him what the heck he was doing.
demon child: "Mommy I love you and this is how you kiss people you love"
me: "Uh...how do you figure that?" trying to think of where he has seen kissing like that before cause his father sure doesn't kiss me like that in front of the kid
demon child: "I saw it on TV Mommy, they loved each other."
me: "Oh sweetie, that's 2 grown ups! You can't kiss your Mommy like that, I'll get arrested!"
demon child: "What's arrested?"
me: "Nevermind,I'll show you how you can kiss Mommy"
So I proceed to demonstrate an appropriate kiss, with ones lips closed and on the cheek.
After practicing a few, he nods in satisfaction and asks "So now that you've had so many kisses Mommy can I have an Oreo cookie and stay up for another 5mins?" while batting his big blue eyes.
I should start putting away money now for his future therapy.
Today I am sitting on the couch minding my own business when up comes demon child with a twinkle in his eye. I know I'm getting buttered up for something, most likely for more Halloween candy or a pair of scissors.
He climbs on my lap, gently places his hands on either side of my face, tells me I'm pretty, proceeds to push me down on the couch and give me a loooong kiss on the lips while licking my face. Stunned, I sit up and ask him what the heck he was doing.
demon child: "Mommy I love you and this is how you kiss people you love"
me: "Uh...how do you figure that?" trying to think of where he has seen kissing like that before cause his father sure doesn't kiss me like that in front of the kid
demon child: "I saw it on TV Mommy, they loved each other."
me: "Oh sweetie, that's 2 grown ups! You can't kiss your Mommy like that, I'll get arrested!"
demon child: "What's arrested?"
me: "Nevermind,I'll show you how you can kiss Mommy"
So I proceed to demonstrate an appropriate kiss, with ones lips closed and on the cheek.
After practicing a few, he nods in satisfaction and asks "So now that you've had so many kisses Mommy can I have an Oreo cookie and stay up for another 5mins?" while batting his big blue eyes.
I should start putting away money now for his future therapy.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Life and death.
Remembrance Day is on Wednesday and I have spent the last week or so trying to explain what it is and it's significance to Little J in terms that a 5year old can grasp. I didn't want to freak him out too much by talking about war and death in detail so I tried to gloss things over and be somewhat vague and general.
I'm going to take him to one of the ceremonies so he can see what I've been talking about.
I talked about how the brave men and women fought wars and lots died so that we could live in the free country that we do. He now thinks they fought for the right to watch Johnny Test on Sat morning.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about the poppy I wear and took him to buy one. He proceeded to poke me with it and lose it before we even got to the car.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about how Mommy's grandpa and uncle died in the war and Daddy's grandpa was wounded and sent back home. Little J looks at me in all seriousness and asks "If Daddy dies in a war, will we get a new Daddy? Mommy...you need to get a baby before that happens. We need to put one in your stomach. How do babies get there Mommy?" Now that was a pretty loaded set of questions and somehow I managed to avoid answering any of them by shouting "Oh look at the rainbow over there!" in a happy sing-songy voice while frantically gesticulating out the window. {Did I mention I was driving at the time?}
Somewhere I have failed.
Please take a minute to stop and remember those who served and died and the families who were left behind, at 11am Nov 11th.
Lest We Forget.
I'm going to take him to one of the ceremonies so he can see what I've been talking about.
I talked about how the brave men and women fought wars and lots died so that we could live in the free country that we do. He now thinks they fought for the right to watch Johnny Test on Sat morning.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about the poppy I wear and took him to buy one. He proceeded to poke me with it and lose it before we even got to the car.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about how Mommy's grandpa and uncle died in the war and Daddy's grandpa was wounded and sent back home. Little J looks at me in all seriousness and asks "If Daddy dies in a war, will we get a new Daddy? Mommy...you need to get a baby before that happens. We need to put one in your stomach. How do babies get there Mommy?" Now that was a pretty loaded set of questions and somehow I managed to avoid answering any of them by shouting "Oh look at the rainbow over there!" in a happy sing-songy voice while frantically gesticulating out the window. {Did I mention I was driving at the time?}
Somewhere I have failed.
Please take a minute to stop and remember those who served and died and the families who were left behind, at 11am Nov 11th.
Lest We Forget.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Take 2 Tuesdays
I have decreed that henceforth Tuesdays will be a recycle day. I am too lazy-er-busy to write a post so I shall breathe new life into a post done long long ago when I had no 'people'. Do I still have 'people'? I dunno. It's been so long....
Anyways, I digress....
This was originally posted in February.
Cheers
schmooch.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii
We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.
Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)
Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.
So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}
Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!
Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.
So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!
WHAT IN HOLY HELL!?!?!!!!
He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?
It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.
Good thing they like spaghetti.
Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}
So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:
Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?
This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.
Off to put the Little One to bed.
Nitey Nite!
Anyways, I digress....
This was originally posted in February.
Cheers
schmooch.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii
We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.
Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)
Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.
So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}
Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!
Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.
So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!
WHAT IN HOLY HELL!?!?!!!!
He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?
It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.
Good thing they like spaghetti.
Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}
So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:
Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?
This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.
Off to put the Little One to bed.
Nitey Nite!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
This is why I don't travel....
I am back from my business trip relatively unscathed which I consider to be a minor miracle. It was a most interesting trip and while the entire experience has helped me grow as a person, I do not wish to repeat it anytime in the future.
The first sign that this was not going to be 'smooth sailing', happened before even leaving the house. We usually fly West-Jet who I love love love but we were booked on Air Canada *patooie*. I attempted to check-in online to avoid some of the Saturday afternoon line ups. Not really familiar with their web check in set up I stumbled around a bit and after searching their entire database I eventually determined that I was already checked in. Somehow, someone in our group booking had checked EVERYONE in and now were screwed because obviously, we did not have the luggage tag or boarding pass. Why is that a big deal you may ask? Well, it now involved 4 different line ups and 6 different people to get my luggage checked and my pass printed. I was not confident at this point that my luggage would end up on the same plane as me.
Thinking that I was free and clear for trouble, I kissed my family good bye and headed through security. I was immediately cut from the herd and sent though a booth at the very end. Put my bag on the rolling thing and took off my jacket. "Laptop, liquid,gels?" barked Helga the heavy set East German woman. "Uh no" I reply. "What you have under sweater?" growls my buddy Helga in her heavy accent". "Pardon?" I ask not quite understanding. "Sweater! Take it off!" she says pointing her finger at me.
Uh..ok whatever.. I had a tank top under my zip up cardigan. So I strip down and wait my turn through the metal detector. Of course I light the scanner up like Christmas. Dude waves me over and starts running the wand over me and it sounds like he's playing space invaders. He then has to wave Helga over for a 'physical search'.
Oh sweet jebus. Helga waddles over snapping her rubber gloves with an evil grin. Now, I usually get dinner and a movie before I allow someone down my pants but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I'm not a big person, 100lbs soaking wet with my shoes on and my clothing was form fitting so I'm really not sure what exactly they thought I was trying to smuggle on the plane, or where. At this point I'm half dressed and being felt up and sadly, it was the most action I'd seen in a while. The Gestapo finally clear me to go through and I head to my boarding area dragging my carry-on and clothing behind me. {Note to self..do not wear the boots with the buckles ever again.}
The flight out is uneventfully as is the trip to the hotel. Luckily I know my roommate and get along with her so I thought I was golden. No such luck.
I'm a smoker, in a non-smoking room. No biggie, I just open the sliding door and smoke outside the room. Easy peasy right? Well...... I got the door open, stepped outside and went to close the door. It didn't budge. So I pulled some more. Nada. Put my meager body weight behind it and puuuuuuushed. Suddenly the door unsticks, slams shut and my face hits the wall. Fabulous..now I have a scrape and goose-egg right above my eyebrow. *sigh* good thing the ice machine was just down the hall....
Got up on time, no small feat considering it was 6am their time, 3am my time. Ugh.
Navigate my way down to the conference area, grab my coffee, head out for a smoke and walk right into a crime scene. Oh Goody! Apparently someone was stabbed in the parking lot the night before. There were little yellow evidence markers everywhere and the knife was still lying in the ground. I did not fly across country to be a part of an episode of COPS.
The meetings were long, boring and we were herded like cattle. I worked really hard at looking and sounding like I knew what the hell I was talking about and I think I pulled it off.
In a cost cutting measure, we are kicked out and have to fly home the same day the meetings end. It makes for a long day but admittedly, it is nice to sleep in your own bed. Not knowing how long it will take with city rush hour traffic we head out as soon as we can. We got to the airport at 5pm and didn't fly out until 8:30pm.
Being the keeners that we are, we went through security right away. Given the experience on the way out and knowing that Toronto security is 'tougher' I was gearing up for a raping. I bagged and doubled bag my lighter, stripped down and prayed. Cranky dude waves me through and holding my breath and sweat running down my back I step through the metal detector and nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. Trying really hard to be nonchalant I pick up my bags and saunter away still half convinced that any second someone is going to run up and scream..."Quick get her! I think she has a nail file in her carry-on!" It wasn't until we were in and through security that I realized..... there was no place for me to smoke. I twitched a little but figured I could muddle my way through by chewing gum or gnawing on the arm of my seat.
Having birthed a child who spent the majority of his gestational time hanging out on my bladder, I have peeing issues. No matter how little I try to drink or how many times I make myself go, I will have to pee at the most inconvenient time.
I had a middle seat for the flight. In the window seat was a Crackberry addicted woman who was still texting as the plane was taking off! I stared at her while my inside voice was screaming "OMG YOU STUPID WOMAN! They said to turn it off! Are you trying to kill us all!! You can go 5 hours without texting dammit!" Seriously, she checked it while we were in the air too. On the aisle side of me was an um ,er, ah, 'fluffy' gentleman who promptly fell asleep while hogging the armrest. He snored.
All was well until 30mins into the flight when the flight attendant came on to request the assistance of any medical doctor who may be on board. That is never a good sign.
Sure enough, the pilot came on a short time later to announce that we were landing in Winnipeg due to an emergency medical situation on board. I would like to think I'm a sympathetic person but oh...my...god.... with my wonderful seat mates, and lack of nicotine I was close to snapping. It was the worst landing I have ever been through. We hit the runway with a jolt hard enough to snap my head back and wake up Sleepy Beauty beside me. The plane veered sharply to the right before straightening out again. Luckily no one was hurt. One of the overhead luggage thingies popped open spilling out suitcases. This was getting better and better.
We sat on the tarmac for 2 hours in Winnipeg. Crackberry chick was texting away like a madwoman and Mr Fluffy went back to sleep when he realized we were not being fed while waiting. I had to pee something fierce by this point and was trapped in my seat. I tried climbing over Mt Creepy but just couldn't get past his knees and he was not responding the my repeated pokes and hissed "Excuse me's" I undid the top button of my pants to give my bladder some breathing room and tried not to think about waterfalls and rivers. I'm pretty sure I damaged a kidney.
By the time we landed at home we were 2 hours late, my bladder had exploded, I was frothing at the mouth and twitching from lack of nicotine and caffeine. As soon as the doors opened on the plane I was off like a bat out of hell. I vaulted small chidren and suitcases as I ran though the airport to the nearest bathroom.
I just don't' have the mental wherewithal to be a traveller.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish sanitizing all my belongings cause the only thing I didn't get on this trip was 'sick'
The first sign that this was not going to be 'smooth sailing', happened before even leaving the house. We usually fly West-Jet who I love love love but we were booked on Air Canada *patooie*. I attempted to check-in online to avoid some of the Saturday afternoon line ups. Not really familiar with their web check in set up I stumbled around a bit and after searching their entire database I eventually determined that I was already checked in. Somehow, someone in our group booking had checked EVERYONE in and now were screwed because obviously, we did not have the luggage tag or boarding pass. Why is that a big deal you may ask? Well, it now involved 4 different line ups and 6 different people to get my luggage checked and my pass printed. I was not confident at this point that my luggage would end up on the same plane as me.
Thinking that I was free and clear for trouble, I kissed my family good bye and headed through security. I was immediately cut from the herd and sent though a booth at the very end. Put my bag on the rolling thing and took off my jacket. "Laptop, liquid,gels?" barked Helga the heavy set East German woman. "Uh no" I reply. "What you have under sweater?" growls my buddy Helga in her heavy accent". "Pardon?" I ask not quite understanding. "Sweater! Take it off!" she says pointing her finger at me.
Uh..ok whatever.. I had a tank top under my zip up cardigan. So I strip down and wait my turn through the metal detector. Of course I light the scanner up like Christmas. Dude waves me over and starts running the wand over me and it sounds like he's playing space invaders. He then has to wave Helga over for a 'physical search'.
Oh sweet jebus. Helga waddles over snapping her rubber gloves with an evil grin. Now, I usually get dinner and a movie before I allow someone down my pants but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I'm not a big person, 100lbs soaking wet with my shoes on and my clothing was form fitting so I'm really not sure what exactly they thought I was trying to smuggle on the plane, or where. At this point I'm half dressed and being felt up and sadly, it was the most action I'd seen in a while. The Gestapo finally clear me to go through and I head to my boarding area dragging my carry-on and clothing behind me. {Note to self..do not wear the boots with the buckles ever again.}
The flight out is uneventfully as is the trip to the hotel. Luckily I know my roommate and get along with her so I thought I was golden. No such luck.
I'm a smoker, in a non-smoking room. No biggie, I just open the sliding door and smoke outside the room. Easy peasy right? Well...... I got the door open, stepped outside and went to close the door. It didn't budge. So I pulled some more. Nada. Put my meager body weight behind it and puuuuuuushed. Suddenly the door unsticks, slams shut and my face hits the wall. Fabulous..now I have a scrape and goose-egg right above my eyebrow. *sigh* good thing the ice machine was just down the hall....
Got up on time, no small feat considering it was 6am their time, 3am my time. Ugh.
Navigate my way down to the conference area, grab my coffee, head out for a smoke and walk right into a crime scene. Oh Goody! Apparently someone was stabbed in the parking lot the night before. There were little yellow evidence markers everywhere and the knife was still lying in the ground. I did not fly across country to be a part of an episode of COPS.
The meetings were long, boring and we were herded like cattle. I worked really hard at looking and sounding like I knew what the hell I was talking about and I think I pulled it off.
In a cost cutting measure, we are kicked out and have to fly home the same day the meetings end. It makes for a long day but admittedly, it is nice to sleep in your own bed. Not knowing how long it will take with city rush hour traffic we head out as soon as we can. We got to the airport at 5pm and didn't fly out until 8:30pm.
Being the keeners that we are, we went through security right away. Given the experience on the way out and knowing that Toronto security is 'tougher' I was gearing up for a raping. I bagged and doubled bag my lighter, stripped down and prayed. Cranky dude waves me through and holding my breath and sweat running down my back I step through the metal detector and nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. Trying really hard to be nonchalant I pick up my bags and saunter away still half convinced that any second someone is going to run up and scream..."Quick get her! I think she has a nail file in her carry-on!" It wasn't until we were in and through security that I realized..... there was no place for me to smoke. I twitched a little but figured I could muddle my way through by chewing gum or gnawing on the arm of my seat.
Having birthed a child who spent the majority of his gestational time hanging out on my bladder, I have peeing issues. No matter how little I try to drink or how many times I make myself go, I will have to pee at the most inconvenient time.
I had a middle seat for the flight. In the window seat was a Crackberry addicted woman who was still texting as the plane was taking off! I stared at her while my inside voice was screaming "OMG YOU STUPID WOMAN! They said to turn it off! Are you trying to kill us all!! You can go 5 hours without texting dammit!" Seriously, she checked it while we were in the air too. On the aisle side of me was an um ,er, ah, 'fluffy' gentleman who promptly fell asleep while hogging the armrest. He snored.
All was well until 30mins into the flight when the flight attendant came on to request the assistance of any medical doctor who may be on board. That is never a good sign.
Sure enough, the pilot came on a short time later to announce that we were landing in Winnipeg due to an emergency medical situation on board. I would like to think I'm a sympathetic person but oh...my...god.... with my wonderful seat mates, and lack of nicotine I was close to snapping. It was the worst landing I have ever been through. We hit the runway with a jolt hard enough to snap my head back and wake up Sleepy Beauty beside me. The plane veered sharply to the right before straightening out again. Luckily no one was hurt. One of the overhead luggage thingies popped open spilling out suitcases. This was getting better and better.
We sat on the tarmac for 2 hours in Winnipeg. Crackberry chick was texting away like a madwoman and Mr Fluffy went back to sleep when he realized we were not being fed while waiting. I had to pee something fierce by this point and was trapped in my seat. I tried climbing over Mt Creepy but just couldn't get past his knees and he was not responding the my repeated pokes and hissed "Excuse me's" I undid the top button of my pants to give my bladder some breathing room and tried not to think about waterfalls and rivers. I'm pretty sure I damaged a kidney.
By the time we landed at home we were 2 hours late, my bladder had exploded, I was frothing at the mouth and twitching from lack of nicotine and caffeine. As soon as the doors opened on the plane I was off like a bat out of hell. I vaulted small chidren and suitcases as I ran though the airport to the nearest bathroom.
I just don't' have the mental wherewithal to be a traveller.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish sanitizing all my belongings cause the only thing I didn't get on this trip was 'sick'
Friday, October 23, 2009
Leaving on a jet plane
So I am heading East for a business trip on Saturday. Have I mentioned how much I loathe flying!?!?? Ugh.
I get to spend the next 3 days surrounded my people. People in the airport, people on the plane, people at the hotel, people at the conference. Don't get me wrong, I generally like people, just not that much people at once. I'd like to be able to pick my nose or remove a wedgie without being watched. :)
I am leaving Ass-Hat in charge of the household and it's occupants. How much damage can he do in 3 days?? I've taped a big note to the computer,"FEED THE CATS" and a note on the fridge, "FEED THE CHILD SOME FRUIT" I'm not convinced either will happen more than once during my absence.
I think the time away from home may do me some good. Little J was diagnosed with ADHD this week and I have a lot of information to absorb. Ass-Hat is not dealing very well. We are exploring all the options and have some decisions to make about medicating or not medicating. It just breaks my heart because Little J is such a smart little boy but his inability to sit still, pay attention and concentrate is getting in his way. Perhaps now his Battle Ax teacher will get off my back about his "disruptive behaviour' while giving me the 'you suck as a parent' hairy eyeball.
Anybody out there with some experience about ADHD???
I leave you with a recent pic {August} of the demon child and the 'damn dog'.
cheers!
I get to spend the next 3 days surrounded my people. People in the airport, people on the plane, people at the hotel, people at the conference. Don't get me wrong, I generally like people, just not that much people at once. I'd like to be able to pick my nose or remove a wedgie without being watched. :)
I am leaving Ass-Hat in charge of the household and it's occupants. How much damage can he do in 3 days?? I've taped a big note to the computer,"FEED THE CATS" and a note on the fridge, "FEED THE CHILD SOME FRUIT" I'm not convinced either will happen more than once during my absence.
I think the time away from home may do me some good. Little J was diagnosed with ADHD this week and I have a lot of information to absorb. Ass-Hat is not dealing very well. We are exploring all the options and have some decisions to make about medicating or not medicating. It just breaks my heart because Little J is such a smart little boy but his inability to sit still, pay attention and concentrate is getting in his way. Perhaps now his Battle Ax teacher will get off my back about his "disruptive behaviour' while giving me the 'you suck as a parent' hairy eyeball.
Anybody out there with some experience about ADHD???
I leave you with a recent pic {August} of the demon child and the 'damn dog'.
cheers!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Murphy and his minions
I swear, everytime I have plopped my arse down to write a dang post, something has come up and blown that little plan right out of the water.
My loving, supportive *snort* husband must have paid some voo-doo priestess a lot of dinero to get a hex put on me. No really, I'm half believing at this point. I got some bad ju-ju goin on. I fully expect to open a closet or drawer to find a little doll that looks just like me, full of pins. :)
life keeps getting in my way dammit!!!!
I hope ya'll are doing well and I can't wait to get caught up!
In closing, I'd like to thank all the stupid people who make me look smart. Fear not, it's not you..trust me, the people I'm talking are not out surfing Blogs.
My loving, supportive *snort* husband must have paid some voo-doo priestess a lot of dinero to get a hex put on me. No really, I'm half believing at this point. I got some bad ju-ju goin on. I fully expect to open a closet or drawer to find a little doll that looks just like me, full of pins. :)
life keeps getting in my way dammit!!!!
I hope ya'll are doing well and I can't wait to get caught up!
In closing, I'd like to thank all the stupid people who make me look smart. Fear not, it's not you..trust me, the people I'm talking are not out surfing Blogs.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Anybody out there?
Helloooooo? Anyone still around?
I can't believe I've been gone so long. With back to school crazyness, my birthday, my wedding anniversary, Little J starting kindergarten and getting the new truck engine built and in the 'Burbon, life has been pretty hectic.
I am currently in the middle of a 2 day hangover from hell. I got my drink on hot tubbin at girls night at my boss' house. I keep forgetting that I'm 39 not 29 and I don't bounce back as quick as I used to. On the bright side, putting a hot tub soaked pack of smokes in the oven on the lowest setting for 15mins dries them out like new. :)
Little J started kindergarten. It's not going to well. I don't like his teacher and I'm sure she feels the same about me and the kid. I know that he has the attention span of a fruit fly and can't sit still but come on, he's 5 years old! Cranky old battle-ax is what she is. It's going to be a long year. :(
OK honestly, I am more worried than I let on but I'm not convinced I'm not overly paranoid. Ya know? Everyone wants to their child to show in a good light and I'm no different. What if I've messed him up and didn't do enough to prepare him for school?
*sigh* I'll wait a few weeks to see if there is improvement before I I really start to worry.
So hopefully you will see more of me stopping by and commenting on your Blogs and getting back into the swing of things!
I've missed you all. Not in a creepy stalker kinda way but in a "hey I wonder.." kinda way. ;)
cheers!
I can't believe I've been gone so long. With back to school crazyness, my birthday, my wedding anniversary, Little J starting kindergarten and getting the new truck engine built and in the 'Burbon, life has been pretty hectic.
I am currently in the middle of a 2 day hangover from hell. I got my drink on hot tubbin at girls night at my boss' house. I keep forgetting that I'm 39 not 29 and I don't bounce back as quick as I used to. On the bright side, putting a hot tub soaked pack of smokes in the oven on the lowest setting for 15mins dries them out like new. :)
Little J started kindergarten. It's not going to well. I don't like his teacher and I'm sure she feels the same about me and the kid. I know that he has the attention span of a fruit fly and can't sit still but come on, he's 5 years old! Cranky old battle-ax is what she is. It's going to be a long year. :(
OK honestly, I am more worried than I let on but I'm not convinced I'm not overly paranoid. Ya know? Everyone wants to their child to show in a good light and I'm no different. What if I've messed him up and didn't do enough to prepare him for school?
*sigh* I'll wait a few weeks to see if there is improvement before I I really start to worry.
So hopefully you will see more of me stopping by and commenting on your Blogs and getting back into the swing of things!
I've missed you all. Not in a creepy stalker kinda way but in a "hey I wonder.." kinda way. ;)
cheers!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I'm getting too old for this....
Holy crap this Back to School Season is going to kill me. I have been go go go for the last 2 weeks and finally get some downtime.
BTS season and a full moon do not play well together. Yesterday was one of the oddest/most stressful days I have had in a loooong time. A few highlights....
911 had to be called because Customer A blocked in Customer B in the parking lot. Customer B comes back into store and asks Customer A to move his car.{Following so far?} Customer A freaks the hell out and starts cursing and threatening Customer B in the store in front of customers and children. The Po-po come and deal with crazy Customer A.
While the police are finishing up with the above situation a lady at the copy centre passed out and hits the floor. 911 is called back. Not sure what happened exactly but she was carried out on a stretcher.
Network crashes causing all the registers to go down and are unable to use them. You ever tried to tell 100 people that we can't ring through their purchases and no, we don't know how long it will take to get the system back up and running.
And from the rest of the week......
Our local meth addict was in helping himself to hard-drives again and was tackled by security at the front door. He managed to get away but we got his backpack with not only our merchandise but stuff from next door as well.
A child rammed another customer with a shopping cart causing her shoe heel to break and making her ankle bleed.
Someone wanted a particular colour of plastic pencil case which was at the very bottom of the stacked out display. Instead of asking one of us to get it for them, they decided to remove it themselves. Ever played Jenga?? The laws of physics do apply here and the entire display of several hundred pencils boxes went skittering across the floor.
Someone decided to CLIMB IN in one of our bin displays. It being made of cardboard and already overloaded with thousands of erasers, promptly split at the seams and shot erasers all over.
2 kids were 'racing' chairs along the back of the store, one wiped out and crashed into a bookcase breaking it. {and the chair}
This is just a small sampling of the crazy shit that goes down tis time of year.
And people wonder why I twitch???
Is it October yet???
BTS season and a full moon do not play well together. Yesterday was one of the oddest/most stressful days I have had in a loooong time. A few highlights....
911 had to be called because Customer A blocked in Customer B in the parking lot. Customer B comes back into store and asks Customer A to move his car.{Following so far?} Customer A freaks the hell out and starts cursing and threatening Customer B in the store in front of customers and children. The Po-po come and deal with crazy Customer A.
While the police are finishing up with the above situation a lady at the copy centre passed out and hits the floor. 911 is called back. Not sure what happened exactly but she was carried out on a stretcher.
Network crashes causing all the registers to go down and are unable to use them. You ever tried to tell 100 people that we can't ring through their purchases and no, we don't know how long it will take to get the system back up and running.
And from the rest of the week......
Our local meth addict was in helping himself to hard-drives again and was tackled by security at the front door. He managed to get away but we got his backpack with not only our merchandise but stuff from next door as well.
A child rammed another customer with a shopping cart causing her shoe heel to break and making her ankle bleed.
Someone wanted a particular colour of plastic pencil case which was at the very bottom of the stacked out display. Instead of asking one of us to get it for them, they decided to remove it themselves. Ever played Jenga?? The laws of physics do apply here and the entire display of several hundred pencils boxes went skittering across the floor.
Someone decided to CLIMB IN in one of our bin displays. It being made of cardboard and already overloaded with thousands of erasers, promptly split at the seams and shot erasers all over.
2 kids were 'racing' chairs along the back of the store, one wiped out and crashed into a bookcase breaking it. {and the chair}
This is just a small sampling of the crazy shit that goes down tis time of year.
And people wonder why I twitch???
Is it October yet???
Saturday, August 22, 2009
It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year
Yes folks it's Back To School Time once again!!!!
What this means for me running the number 1 school supply destination is 3 weeks of complete and un-ending horror. I don't have time to pee let alone eat, sleep or Blog. :(
I will spend the next 3 weeks drunk on lack of sleep and RedBull. You may not hear from me again until mid Sept. :)
School supplies are pretty basic. A pencil is a pencil, a notebook is a notebook and a crayon is a crayon. Yes? Well apparently not. Thousands of stressed out parents freaking out because the school list says "Dixon Pencils" and I carry "Papermate Pencils" Don't worry dude, you child will NOT fail grade1 because of a dixon pencil!
We've made it very EASY to find supplies...dumped everything you need in giant green bins clearly labeled. We have copies of the school lists. We have put giant signs on the bins. Yet people still walk up to me and ask "Where are your school supplies?"
I turn 360degrees, arms out-stretched and reply "Uh, you're standing in the middle of them"
Seriously people, you make school supplies far more complicated than it needs to be and we pay the price.
I will no doubt have some hilarious stories to tell as the days go by, like last year when some one's dog crapped in one of the aisles {they must have snuck it in their bag} So there I am, crouched on the floor cleaning up dog poop and people are STILL asking me to show them where stuff is!!! I so wanted to say say "Ok here, hold this paper towel full of dog crap and I'll show you where the 5 stacks of binders are..."
So my public service announcement today is: When you are out school supply shopping, please be patient with the people who work there. You are the 100th person to ask the exact same question, the cashiers cannot ring through items any faster, there are only 6 registers in the store, we can't walk you around and do your list for you, if your class list is not in the file I was unable to get it from the school district or the website and I can't magically pull one out of my ass, if the sales floor associate is wearing a sweater and holding their lunch please do not ask them to help you find the pencil sharpeners {which you happen to be standing right in front of} and a THANK YOU goes a long way to the people who are working their butts off for you.
It's off to work I go. Got my body armour and Depends on. Wish me luck!!
Sorry if it's jummbled and stuff, I skipped making breakfast to post before running out the door. :)
What this means for me running the number 1 school supply destination is 3 weeks of complete and un-ending horror. I don't have time to pee let alone eat, sleep or Blog. :(
I will spend the next 3 weeks drunk on lack of sleep and RedBull. You may not hear from me again until mid Sept. :)
School supplies are pretty basic. A pencil is a pencil, a notebook is a notebook and a crayon is a crayon. Yes? Well apparently not. Thousands of stressed out parents freaking out because the school list says "Dixon Pencils" and I carry "Papermate Pencils" Don't worry dude, you child will NOT fail grade1 because of a dixon pencil!
We've made it very EASY to find supplies...dumped everything you need in giant green bins clearly labeled. We have copies of the school lists. We have put giant signs on the bins. Yet people still walk up to me and ask "Where are your school supplies?"
I turn 360degrees, arms out-stretched and reply "Uh, you're standing in the middle of them"
Seriously people, you make school supplies far more complicated than it needs to be and we pay the price.
I will no doubt have some hilarious stories to tell as the days go by, like last year when some one's dog crapped in one of the aisles {they must have snuck it in their bag} So there I am, crouched on the floor cleaning up dog poop and people are STILL asking me to show them where stuff is!!! I so wanted to say say "Ok here, hold this paper towel full of dog crap and I'll show you where the 5 stacks of binders are..."
So my public service announcement today is: When you are out school supply shopping, please be patient with the people who work there. You are the 100th person to ask the exact same question, the cashiers cannot ring through items any faster, there are only 6 registers in the store, we can't walk you around and do your list for you, if your class list is not in the file I was unable to get it from the school district or the website and I can't magically pull one out of my ass, if the sales floor associate is wearing a sweater and holding their lunch please do not ask them to help you find the pencil sharpeners {which you happen to be standing right in front of} and a THANK YOU goes a long way to the people who are working their butts off for you.
It's off to work I go. Got my body armour and Depends on. Wish me luck!!
Sorry if it's jummbled and stuff, I skipped making breakfast to post before running out the door. :)
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I will survive...
Dysfunctional Family ‘We’re Having Fun Dammit’ Trip 2009.
I’m getting old and soft. For some reason the thought of spending more than a few days languishing shore side watching Ass-hat fish from dawn till feakin dusk while keeping an eye on the roaming 5 year old , making sure the damn dog doesn’t hang herself with her 50ft tether line, cooking 3 square meals a day, washing dishes in dish pans, conserving every last precious drop of water, huddling under the covers with a tshirt of my head at night while braving blistering heat, ferocious winds and bone chilling cold just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun anymore. And did I mention the dust? Dust, dust everywhere. The kind of insidious dust that works its way into your teeth and other small orifices you weren’t even aware of until they had dust in them.
I’m sucking the last battery power in the trailer to power the laptop. I would sell my first born and only child for some Wi-Fi at this point. Or a shower, or a microwave.
Things I leaned while Camping.
1. Damn Dog likes to eat Poo. Duck poo, goose poo, cow poo, horse poo and kind of poo will do. {funny but poo shows up on my spell check as incorrect!}
2. My child is damn annoying. We are spending far too much ‘quality time’ together. Are all 5 year olds like this? The sound of his plaintive ‘wuhyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ grates on my last nerve. Love him to death but damn, we are not meant to spend this much time together without benefit of time out space for both of us.
3. Damn Dog loves to swim as evidenced by her dragging me into the lake. {she was still on leash}
4. After 6 days I don’t care if I never shower again.
5. Fire bans suck. Camping with no campfires sucks goat-ass. Gathered around a lantern huddled together for warmth just isn’t the same.
6. The upside of no campfires is no smelling like a burnt hotdog, downside is we smell like the bacon we had for breakfast. Everything smells like bacon. It’s too windy to cook outside.
7. Next year we’re going to Disneyland dammit.
8. Ass-hat would rather sleep with the dog than me. And you know what…that’s A-OK. He sleeps with the dog, I get the top bunk all to myself. It’s the best part of the trip.
9. Little J managed to pee and poop in every trailer in our group. That’s 9 trailers. I shudder to think about how much toilet paper is now in those black water tanks. Sorry ‘bout that folks….
10. Blueberry ring pops + fruit roll ups + gummy bears = green poop. This is what my child was depositing in everyone’s trailers. Again, sorry about that folks……
11. A sunburn/windburn really does keep you warm at night.
12. I read waaay too fast and ran out of reading material on day 5. I may have to resort to reading the backs of cereal boxes.
13.
14. I skipped 13 because it’s an unlucky number.
15. I am almost desperate enough to take the truck and drive into ‘town’ I use the word ‘town’ loosely as really town is nothing more than a sani-station,a liquour store and a Dairy Queen.
16. I am insanely jealous of the folks who are leaving for home,Day 5. Ass-hat and I are currently in negotiations as to whether we leave on Day 6 {my vote} or Day 7 {his vote}. As much as I hate to say it, he may win. And he did. We left on Day 7.
So now that we are home, I have about a million loads of laundry to do, not to mention the damn dog needs a bath in the worst way. She's an entirely different colour right now..brownish/gray. And she stinks to high heaven.
Pictures to follow in a day or two, I have to find the dang camera.
I’m getting old and soft. For some reason the thought of spending more than a few days languishing shore side watching Ass-hat fish from dawn till feakin dusk while keeping an eye on the roaming 5 year old , making sure the damn dog doesn’t hang herself with her 50ft tether line, cooking 3 square meals a day, washing dishes in dish pans, conserving every last precious drop of water, huddling under the covers with a tshirt of my head at night while braving blistering heat, ferocious winds and bone chilling cold just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun anymore. And did I mention the dust? Dust, dust everywhere. The kind of insidious dust that works its way into your teeth and other small orifices you weren’t even aware of until they had dust in them.
I’m sucking the last battery power in the trailer to power the laptop. I would sell my first born and only child for some Wi-Fi at this point. Or a shower, or a microwave.
Things I leaned while Camping.
1. Damn Dog likes to eat Poo. Duck poo, goose poo, cow poo, horse poo and kind of poo will do. {funny but poo shows up on my spell check as incorrect!}
2. My child is damn annoying. We are spending far too much ‘quality time’ together. Are all 5 year olds like this? The sound of his plaintive ‘wuhyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ grates on my last nerve. Love him to death but damn, we are not meant to spend this much time together without benefit of time out space for both of us.
3. Damn Dog loves to swim as evidenced by her dragging me into the lake. {she was still on leash}
4. After 6 days I don’t care if I never shower again.
5. Fire bans suck. Camping with no campfires sucks goat-ass. Gathered around a lantern huddled together for warmth just isn’t the same.
6. The upside of no campfires is no smelling like a burnt hotdog, downside is we smell like the bacon we had for breakfast. Everything smells like bacon. It’s too windy to cook outside.
7. Next year we’re going to Disneyland dammit.
8. Ass-hat would rather sleep with the dog than me. And you know what…that’s A-OK. He sleeps with the dog, I get the top bunk all to myself. It’s the best part of the trip.
9. Little J managed to pee and poop in every trailer in our group. That’s 9 trailers. I shudder to think about how much toilet paper is now in those black water tanks. Sorry ‘bout that folks….
10. Blueberry ring pops + fruit roll ups + gummy bears = green poop. This is what my child was depositing in everyone’s trailers. Again, sorry about that folks……
11. A sunburn/windburn really does keep you warm at night.
12. I read waaay too fast and ran out of reading material on day 5. I may have to resort to reading the backs of cereal boxes.
13.
14. I skipped 13 because it’s an unlucky number.
15. I am almost desperate enough to take the truck and drive into ‘town’ I use the word ‘town’ loosely as really town is nothing more than a sani-station,a liquour store and a Dairy Queen.
16. I am insanely jealous of the folks who are leaving for home,Day 5. Ass-hat and I are currently in negotiations as to whether we leave on Day 6 {my vote} or Day 7 {his vote}. As much as I hate to say it, he may win. And he did. We left on Day 7.
So now that we are home, I have about a million loads of laundry to do, not to mention the damn dog needs a bath in the worst way. She's an entirely different colour right now..brownish/gray. And she stinks to high heaven.
Pictures to follow in a day or two, I have to find the dang camera.
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