Peeing, poking and penis'

When we were house shopping 5 years ago, we narrowed the field to 2 choices.

Choice 1... 4 bedroom rancher,garage was converted into a master bedroom with en-suite and walk in closet. Ugly-ass open kitchen, big living room, tiny cramped bathroom and postage stamp sized yard.

Choice 2... 3 bedroom rancher, small bedrooms, 1 decent sized bathroom, carport cover ted into 'bonus room', reno'd kitchen, big deck and a huuuuge yard.

We went with option 2 strictly for the big yard, big bathroom {even though it was the only one} and reno'd kitchen. I thought I could live with only 1 bathroom.

I was wrong.

Dumb-Ass spends most of his morning 'dropping the kids off at the pool'. He then proceeds to take his 20 min shower. This shower must include cascading. Cascading is when Dumb-Ass lays down in the bathtub and catches a few more winks of sleep under the shower spray. Sounds lovely doesn't it?

For him.

I, on the other hand have to plan my morning around his shit n' shower routine. There are times I have to get up 45mins EARLIER to get into the bathroom before him. BASTARD. While pregnant and going through the joys of 'all-day sickness' I did have to barf into the kitchen sink many a time because the only toilet was already occupied.

Now there is another person in the house to work around. Little J is getting to the age where *I* would like some privacy in the bathroom. Sometimes that just doesn't happen. Sometimes like tonight.

Little J was in the bath tonight and I had to use the facilities. I could not wait.
So I go in and hang the towel on the shower doors to at get some measure of privacy and instruct the tiny terrorist to turn his back. There is a few mins of silence before the following conversation occurs..

J: {in a tiny voice} Mommy did that hurt?
Me: {confused} Did what hurt?
J: When your penis fell off.
Me: {eyebrow shooting up into my hairline} Pardon?
J: You don't have a penis. Did you lose yours?
Me: Honey, I'm a girl, I don't have one.
J: {nodding} Oh ok, are you sad you don't have a penis?
Me: I'm perfectly happy without one honey.
J: Is that why you have the bum-stickers*?
Me: {sighing} I told you not to watch me!
J: But mommy I want to know why you put those sticks up your bum!!!!
Me: I'll tell you when you turn 6 ok?
J: {wailing} Why? I want to know now!!
Me: If you stop asking me questions I'll buy you a new Bakugan. Deal?
J: {grinning} Deal!
....short silence...
J: So really Mommy, what happened to your penis?
Me: {Banging head against counter} It fell off because I didn't listen to my mother!!!
J: {giggle} That's funny Mommy. Can you leave now, I want some 'pivacy'.

WTH happened there? I'll tell you what happened. My epiphany. Ass-Hat will build an outhouse in the large backyard.
He's handy, he could totaly do it.
If he loved me.
The boys can use it and I will finally have a bathroom all to myself. I think it's a fabulous idea and I can avoid having to answer questions that shouldn't be asked for another 10 years. :)

Too much testosterone in this house I tell you. The dog doesn't really count because although she may be female, she licks herself.

I am alone.

Maybe I should get me a penis, I must be missing out on something.



*bumstickers are tampons as explained in a previous post some months ago.