Boobies

Now that the almost crisis with the growth on my neck has been averted..{turns out it was just a 2 day sore throat and probably a swollen gland and still no flu...} I can turn my attention to other obsessions.

My current fixation is BOOBIES. Yes, I realize that's a weird obsession to have as a woman but I can't help it. I think it stems from jealousy. See, I don't have boobies. Really I don't. If I am not wearing a bra...there are no bumpies under my tshirt. nothing. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

The one and only time I had a half decent rack was when I was breast feeding. I think I was a solid A cup. Unfortunately, the boobies could not be looked at or touched at this point in time or they would immediately start shooting out milk. If Little J so much as whimpered my milk would let down and I'd be sporting giant wet spots on my shirt. This only lasted about 2 months and then the booby milk factory shut down, packed up and headed out of town leaving me with um....nothing

Boobies amuse me. Even the word 'booby' makes me giggle like a naughty school boy looking at the underwear ads in the flyers. I check out other women's cleavage all the time. I'm not creepy about it, just a tad jealous that I can't wear strapless tops and if I drop food down my top it only stops when it hits my waist. Is it so wrong to want bouncy, jiggly boobies. I want to live my life like the slow motion beach running scenes from Baywatch. I want something to squeeze.

I'm not vain or rich enough to go under the knife and get implants and knowing my luck, mine would shift and slide down to my belly button or squawk at high altitude.

So I guess for now I'll just wear the water bras and heavy sweaters and yearn for the day the Bobby Fairy comes to visit.

I have a tumour.......

No, seriously I do. The side of my neck is swollen and it hurts to swallow. The alternative {flu} is nore horrible to contemplate.

Trust me..... I'd rather have a tumour than catch the flu.

Damn germs. Apparently the hourly dosing of hand sanitizer and the avoiding of all personal conduct {including *cough* marital relations *cough*} has not done me any good. I suppose this means I can go back to licking random people??

Maybe it's just a giant pimple gone astray??

Anything but the flu........

Freud would love this....

My child watches too much TV. Or rather, too much inappropriate TV. I figured he was too young to get some the more adult content of some of the shows I watch after 8pm. I was wrong.

Today I am sitting on the couch minding my own business when up comes demon child with a twinkle in his eye. I know I'm getting buttered up for something, most likely for more Halloween candy or a pair of scissors.

He climbs on my lap, gently places his hands on either side of my face, tells me I'm pretty, proceeds to push me down on the couch and give me a loooong kiss on the lips while licking my face. Stunned, I sit up and ask him what the heck he was doing.

demon child: "Mommy I love you and this is how you kiss people you love"

me: "Uh...how do you figure that?" trying to think of where he has seen kissing like that before cause his father sure doesn't kiss me like that in front of the kid

demon child: "I saw it on TV Mommy, they loved each other."

me: "Oh sweetie, that's 2 grown ups! You can't kiss your Mommy like that, I'll get arrested!"

demon child: "What's arrested?"

me: "Nevermind,I'll show you how you can kiss Mommy"

So I proceed to demonstrate an appropriate kiss, with ones lips closed and on the cheek.

After practicing a few, he nods in satisfaction and asks "So now that you've had so many kisses Mommy can I have an Oreo cookie and stay up for another 5mins?" while batting his big blue eyes.

I should start putting away money now for his future therapy.

Life and death.

Remembrance Day is on Wednesday and I have spent the last week or so trying to explain what it is and it's significance to Little J in terms that a 5year old can grasp. I didn't want to freak him out too much by talking about war and death in detail so I tried to gloss things over and be somewhat vague and general.
I'm going to take him to one of the ceremonies so he can see what I've been talking about.
I talked about how the brave men and women fought wars and lots died so that we could live in the free country that we do. He now thinks they fought for the right to watch Johnny Test on Sat morning.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about the poppy I wear and took him to buy one. He proceeded to poke me with it and lose it before we even got to the car.
Somewhere I have failed.
I talked about how Mommy's grandpa and uncle died in the war and Daddy's grandpa was wounded and sent back home. Little J looks at me in all seriousness and asks "If Daddy dies in a war, will we get a new Daddy? Mommy...you need to get a baby before that happens. We need to put one in your stomach. How do babies get there Mommy?" Now that was a pretty loaded set of questions and somehow I managed to avoid answering any of them by shouting "Oh look at the rainbow over there!" in a happy sing-songy voice while frantically gesticulating out the window. {Did I mention I was driving at the time?}
Somewhere I have failed.

Please take a minute to stop and remember those who served and died and the families who were left behind, at 11am Nov 11th.

Lest We Forget.

Take 2 Tuesdays

I have decreed that henceforth Tuesdays will be a recycle day. I am too lazy-er-busy to write a post so I shall breathe new life into a post done long long ago when I had no 'people'. Do I still have 'people'? I dunno. It's been so long....

Anyways, I digress....

This was originally posted in February.

Cheers
schmooch.



Monday, February 23, 2009
Angry Mommy plays Drunken Wii

We had a fun-filled action packed weekend with a little bit of everything thrown in.

Started the day at a nephews b-day party. No place I'd rather be than trapped in a room full of kids running around hopped up on cheezies and cupcake and hanging out with moms I don't know. That would be PHUN with a 'PH' my friends. This is why God created Xanax. My nephews are fabulous boys and they are so well behaved. I want to send Little J to live with them for a few months. Is that bad of me? I only want the best for my boy. ;)

Saturday night we had friends over to eat a little, drink a little and play a little Wii. I understood 'drink a little' to mean 'drink any and all remotely alcoholic beverages in the house. Lucky for me I couldn't find the anti-freeze.

So we are setting up the Wii and picking Mii's {for those that may not know, you create a 'me' that you use to play the games. You can get very detailed and get them to look like you} Anyhowdywho, we're flipping though Mii and I see 'ANGRY MOMMY'.
Apparently my sweet child and positive-role-model husband had created a Mii in my image. Angry Mommy? Is this how my kid really sees me? Am I angry all the time?
{ok so now I'm singing that Tim Mcgraw song with the line 'why you gotta be angry all the time?}

Of course, my 'friends' thought this was the cats-ass and now I don't hear the end of it. They leave voice mails and ask "Is Angry Mommy there?" BASTURDS!!

Drunken Wii kicked ass and it was so worth the hangover the next morning.

So Big J lets me sleep in until NOON on Sunday. Yes I said it...NOON! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that but F-it! I deserve it. I should have been suspicious regarding this demonstration of compassion and goodwill but I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from the alcohol the night before. At 2pm Big J disappeared into the bedroom and I did not see him until 5:30pm when he wandered back out and informed me that he had invited his parents over for dinner and they would be here at 6:30pm!

WHAT IN HOLY HELL!?!?!!!!

He fed Little J friggin PopTarts for lunch and now I have to cook for his parents?

It's a darn good thing I like his parents, and more importantly they like me and have low expectations. They are well aware of my domestic shortcomings. I have provided them with the only male heir. I can do no wrong. I'm golden baby, golden.

Good thing they like spaghetti.

Now, the father in law is a crazy old man and he is the kind of person who talks AT you and doesn't really listen to what you reply. We think he may be getting senile but's it's always good for a laugh. {that is soo mean!}

So we're watching the Oscars and Hugh Jackman and Beyonce are singing....this is the following conversation he and I have:

Dad: Who is that?
Me: Beyonce.
Dad: Whose?
Me: What
Dad: Whose?
Me: Beyonce!
Dad: Ya but whose?!
Me: Not Fiance you batshyte crazy old man..Beyonce!!
Dad: Well why didn't you say so?

This is the gene pool my child had to pick from, I'm praying that all Little J inherited from that side of the family is his fabulous blue eyes.

Off to put the Little One to bed.

Nitey Nite!

Happy Halloween!

Have a safe and sugar-loaded day!

This is why I don't travel....

I am back from my business trip relatively unscathed which I consider to be a minor miracle. It was a most interesting trip and while the entire experience has helped me grow as a person, I do not wish to repeat it anytime in the future.

The first sign that this was not going to be 'smooth sailing', happened before even leaving the house. We usually fly West-Jet who I love love love but we were booked on Air Canada *patooie*. I attempted to check-in online to avoid some of the Saturday afternoon line ups. Not really familiar with their web check in set up I stumbled around a bit and after searching their entire database I eventually determined that I was already checked in. Somehow, someone in our group booking had checked EVERYONE in and now were screwed because obviously, we did not have the luggage tag or boarding pass. Why is that a big deal you may ask? Well, it now involved 4 different line ups and 6 different people to get my luggage checked and my pass printed. I was not confident at this point that my luggage would end up on the same plane as me.

Thinking that I was free and clear for trouble, I kissed my family good bye and headed through security. I was immediately cut from the herd and sent though a booth at the very end. Put my bag on the rolling thing and took off my jacket. "Laptop, liquid,gels?" barked Helga the heavy set East German woman. "Uh no" I reply. "What you have under sweater?" growls my buddy Helga in her heavy accent". "Pardon?" I ask not quite understanding. "Sweater! Take it off!" she says pointing her finger at me.
Uh..ok whatever.. I had a tank top under my zip up cardigan. So I strip down and wait my turn through the metal detector. Of course I light the scanner up like Christmas. Dude waves me over and starts running the wand over me and it sounds like he's playing space invaders. He then has to wave Helga over for a 'physical search'.
Oh sweet jebus. Helga waddles over snapping her rubber gloves with an evil grin. Now, I usually get dinner and a movie before I allow someone down my pants but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I'm not a big person, 100lbs soaking wet with my shoes on and my clothing was form fitting so I'm really not sure what exactly they thought I was trying to smuggle on the plane, or where. At this point I'm half dressed and being felt up and sadly, it was the most action I'd seen in a while. The Gestapo finally clear me to go through and I head to my boarding area dragging my carry-on and clothing behind me. {Note to self..do not wear the boots with the buckles ever again.}

The flight out is uneventfully as is the trip to the hotel. Luckily I know my roommate and get along with her so I thought I was golden. No such luck.

I'm a smoker, in a non-smoking room. No biggie, I just open the sliding door and smoke outside the room. Easy peasy right? Well...... I got the door open, stepped outside and went to close the door. It didn't budge. So I pulled some more. Nada. Put my meager body weight behind it and puuuuuuushed. Suddenly the door unsticks, slams shut and my face hits the wall. Fabulous..now I have a scrape and goose-egg right above my eyebrow. *sigh* good thing the ice machine was just down the hall....

Got up on time, no small feat considering it was 6am their time, 3am my time. Ugh.
Navigate my way down to the conference area, grab my coffee, head out for a smoke and walk right into a crime scene. Oh Goody! Apparently someone was stabbed in the parking lot the night before. There were little yellow evidence markers everywhere and the knife was still lying in the ground. I did not fly across country to be a part of an episode of COPS.

The meetings were long, boring and we were herded like cattle. I worked really hard at looking and sounding like I knew what the hell I was talking about and I think I pulled it off.

In a cost cutting measure, we are kicked out and have to fly home the same day the meetings end. It makes for a long day but admittedly, it is nice to sleep in your own bed. Not knowing how long it will take with city rush hour traffic we head out as soon as we can. We got to the airport at 5pm and didn't fly out until 8:30pm.
Being the keeners that we are, we went through security right away. Given the experience on the way out and knowing that Toronto security is 'tougher' I was gearing up for a raping. I bagged and doubled bag my lighter, stripped down and prayed. Cranky dude waves me through and holding my breath and sweat running down my back I step through the metal detector and nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. Trying really hard to be nonchalant I pick up my bags and saunter away still half convinced that any second someone is going to run up and scream..."Quick get her! I think she has a nail file in her carry-on!" It wasn't until we were in and through security that I realized..... there was no place for me to smoke. I twitched a little but figured I could muddle my way through by chewing gum or gnawing on the arm of my seat.

Having birthed a child who spent the majority of his gestational time hanging out on my bladder, I have peeing issues. No matter how little I try to drink or how many times I make myself go, I will have to pee at the most inconvenient time.

I had a middle seat for the flight. In the window seat was a Crackberry addicted woman who was still texting as the plane was taking off! I stared at her while my inside voice was screaming "OMG YOU STUPID WOMAN! They said to turn it off! Are you trying to kill us all!! You can go 5 hours without texting dammit!" Seriously, she checked it while we were in the air too. On the aisle side of me was an um ,er, ah, 'fluffy' gentleman who promptly fell asleep while hogging the armrest. He snored.

All was well until 30mins into the flight when the flight attendant came on to request the assistance of any medical doctor who may be on board. That is never a good sign.
Sure enough, the pilot came on a short time later to announce that we were landing in Winnipeg due to an emergency medical situation on board. I would like to think I'm a sympathetic person but oh...my...god.... with my wonderful seat mates, and lack of nicotine I was close to snapping. It was the worst landing I have ever been through. We hit the runway with a jolt hard enough to snap my head back and wake up Sleepy Beauty beside me. The plane veered sharply to the right before straightening out again. Luckily no one was hurt. One of the overhead luggage thingies popped open spilling out suitcases. This was getting better and better.

We sat on the tarmac for 2 hours in Winnipeg. Crackberry chick was texting away like a madwoman and Mr Fluffy went back to sleep when he realized we were not being fed while waiting. I had to pee something fierce by this point and was trapped in my seat. I tried climbing over Mt Creepy but just couldn't get past his knees and he was not responding the my repeated pokes and hissed "Excuse me's" I undid the top button of my pants to give my bladder some breathing room and tried not to think about waterfalls and rivers. I'm pretty sure I damaged a kidney.

By the time we landed at home we were 2 hours late, my bladder had exploded, I was frothing at the mouth and twitching from lack of nicotine and caffeine. As soon as the doors opened on the plane I was off like a bat out of hell. I vaulted small chidren and suitcases as I ran though the airport to the nearest bathroom.

I just don't' have the mental wherewithal to be a traveller.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish sanitizing all my belongings cause the only thing I didn't get on this trip was 'sick'